How can anyone like me if I don't like myself. I try to be reliable, compassionate, caring, loving but instead I wind up being over bearing where everyone tries to avoid me. I know for a fact that some people have even pretended to be sick so that they wouldn't have to deal with me. I feel sorry for my mother because I call her everyday to tell her about my day which is really nothing exceptional. Same ole same ole everyday - but she is the only person who will even take the mundane time to sit and listen. I have no one. Not a single friend that I would confide in. I tried that once and in time, the whole town new my business. So I cut myself off from just about everyone. I go to work. I come home and watch tv. I have no damn desire to even go and cut my grass for fear that someone will walk up to chat. I know they aren't really interested in me. They just want to borrow something or get the scoop. I say that because recently my family has been a hot topic due to a child abuse situation. My daughter and I were suspects and have been exonerated. But people are nosy and want to know what is happening. So I hunker in my house and keep to myself.

But that's even getting to me. My daughter is 17, working a full time job while attending school full time. She no longer needs me. She's at that stage that she knows everything and can do anything. We got into an argument over the weekend, because she has called out of work for the 2nd weekend in a row. Last week end she had Prom (which they knew) but she called out the next day to go the nascar race in Dover with her dad. This weekend she went to a car show with her brother and cousin. She was only going for one night and returning the next day so she could go to work. Except she decided that hanging out with her family at the car show was more important then work and she call out again without discussing it with me first. Normally I wouldn't care too much, I'd say kids will be kids. But I went out on the limb and signed for a 2016 Mazda for her. I wanted her to have a reliable and safe transportation. The agreement is that she will make the payments and we will put it in her name when she establishes credit or pays it off. The payment was due yesterday and she doesn't have the money. I'm a single mom barely making my bills. So I depend on her being responsible. So I kinda freaked out on her. I told her that I was very disappointed with her and that I'm seriously thinking about taking the keys from her for a week. I'm not proud of my self for some of the things that I said during the argument. I told her that she could pack her bags, give me the keys and go live with her dad. I told her that she was acting just like her dad, an irresponsible party person, something I tried very hard to steer her from. I know that I said a lot more, but due to anger, I can't remember everything. I just know that we ended the call she was drying up her tears that were brought on by my words. I feel horrible and I fear that she just might pack and move in with her dad. So now I question my every move as a mother, a wife, a person. Do I push every living being away. Am I a total Bitch that people can't stand. Has to be true cuz right now, I can't even stand my self.

I turn 50 this summer and honestly, I'm hoping to end my life on the day I was born. I've even started planning, someplace secluded and all by myself. I know that I'm l just upset with the moment and things will somehow work out. But right now, it simply doesn't matter. I really no longer want to be here. This is not what life is suppose to be like. There is so much more out there and I have no desire to find it.

Sorry for the blubbering - I have no one to talk to so I come here to vent.