Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I'm struggling mightily and I am at a loss. I'm posting this as a reach out to some folks that may have similar things going on as a support system. To be honest this post could fall under a number of different groups.
I'm just going to put out a number of things and am hoping that some folks would reach out with additional questions to keep up a back and forth conversation to try and develop some clarity.
Here are some facts, not all of them right now, I'm not sure anyone would want to read the whole thing.
1.) Male -- Age 49 -- Married 20+ years (possibly not for long) 3 grown children. 6 grandchildren
2.) I grew up in a family that did not show a lot of affection which has transitioned into my adult life.
3.) I am bi-polar, but taking medication that does really seem to help.
4.) Out of the Big 5 personality traits, I am highly neurotic (I've just come to realize this in the past week or so after reading about it. I thought neurotic behavior was just something that happened under stressful situations, not something that rules daily life) & introverted (but not because I don't like hanging around people, I just have esteem issues I think.)
5.) My predictive index shows me to also lack patience and be highly competitive.
6.) I'm not physically abusive or violent, but do go through swings of mental abuse. The mental abuse is not something that I do vindictively or consciously, but the end result is the same. I've stole a good part of her personality and soul.
7.) I'm a little bit more than controlling, not in an evil way, but its kind of like "It's needs to be my way or I will either try and change it to my way or sabatoge the invent somehow by mooping around and having a negative attitude.
8.) I believe I am in the throws of an "Existential Crisis" for probably 4 years or so. Triggered by changes in management at my last job, whereas the new manager started to devalue a lot of the accomplishments of many of us that had been at the company for many years. In my case 17 of the 30 years. Secondly, our last child graduated from high school and became an "adult."
9.) I drank everyday, for the past 4 years as a coping mechinism, not what I would call an alcoholic, but kind of just something to do and somewhere to hang out with people and my wife. (The local bars)
10.) I'm aware that I am not a bad person, but one that has been a jealous, controlling person that has difficulty living in the now. I evaluate things for potential "problems" instead of looking at things for the joy they are. My impatience causes my mind to think ahead to the next thing, giving little time to enjoy things for what they are.
11.) I am desperate to change, I hate myself and not just because of the pain I've inflicted on my wife.
You have taken the first step by recognizing problems in your life. Have you talked with a therapist? They can help you sort out your feelings and help you change your thinking patterns. Right now with COVID-19 stressors can appear higher because we are living with uncertainty and stress at home can be elevated by what is happening. Be gentle with yourself and with your family. I hope you get the help you need and people here at DS are very supportive so continue to post, Best wishes,
You seem to blame your wife for not pushing you. Now that she is gone, who will push you? You mentioned mental abuse and that you are controlling in some way. How does your wife know how much to push without triggering some kind of bad reaction? That push should come from within you. Try reading this book called, “Have a New You by Friday,” by Dr. Kevin Leman. It will give you some perspective on how you tick. But going to therapy is your best option, but you are already thinking that you will give up. Resist that thought and condition your mind. You are competitive. Challenge yourself to go to every session or appointment. Maybe consider challenging yourself not to drink as well and find comfort from something else other than a substance. Since you are not an alcoholic, consider tapering it down or stopping cold turkey.
About purpose. Even if your life is in worse condition than before, there are always something you can be thankful for. There are many people who are still worse off. You can find joy and purpose by volunteering some of your available time to good causes. Interacting with people and being able to help people can bring a certain appreciation for life.
The fact that you try so hard to look ahead and see just what is coming is also something I struggle with. I think it is because of the unpredictability of my childhood and need for some normalcy. The thing is, for me it overwhelms me and I let fear and depression take over again. Many have told me to take small steps and concentrate on NOW and progress I make one step at a time. It does help me. (Otherwise I beat myself up about the past and give up on ever finding a brighter healthier happier future. )
The fact that you say you have been mentally abusive to her.. This is something I have been through several times and it does take a toll on us. I would lay odds that your insecurities (self esteem you mentioned) do feel stronger (in your mind anyway) as you do build yourself by belittling her. My kid brother would grow to be very angry, bitter and cruel and his words still cut like a knife and are hard to shake (even when I realize they had no real truth just hate and power) There is a big difference here--- you are realizing it and trying to seek help. You should not worry if it is too late or not to save your marriage. THE POINT IS THAT IT HAS GOTTEN YOU HERE TO A POINT WHERE YOU CAN SEE IT NEEDS TO CHANGE, For you this is a very good step and I do think that if you truly do want to begin this journey it will not only help you but encourage her to see you do want things to change.
You have to stop and think... for many who do care and want to help their spouses--- the fact that you already admitted to being a bit cruel at times, this is used by MANY to control and STOP their spouses to speak a word and it can cripple them and cause both anger and resentment to fester as they lose their own voice in a relationship. ( My late husband (as well as many other's spouses on here did this to control and silence us) The fact that she still does care and hope you will seek that help or take those meds says a lot. You will come to understand that one person cannot threaten or order another to do something. That does not work. You need to truly want it for yourself.
My hope is that you can look at this as a very good start. I believe everything happens for a reason. However this played out.. you have reached this point and can begin to search deeper and come to understand and realize you are ok and have lots to offer (without needing to knock another down) Just coming to understand some things helped me so much. .. and it will you too. Best wishes as you start your journey.
PS putting her in charge of you taking your meds is not a good thing... but just requesting an occasional reminder is surely understandable. But YOU need to want it for yourself. She is right about that.
Some times I do have to ask him or remind him about things he's said he'd do or work on etc., but I can either be met with resistance and defensiveness, or he will react calmly. Some times it's hard to know when to say something. Being stuck in this COVID situation has brought out more of his repressed anger and makes it even more challenging to bring things up. But I know that no matter how much I ask him to do something, it will be up to him to decide to do it. to want to do it.
Maybe your wife just doesn't really know when she should help give you a reminder, or maybe some times she doesn't know if she might set you off by saying something . Or she may feel that if she tries to push you into taking your meds or going to therapy that you may be less inclined to do it. I know some times the more I push my boyfriend the more resistant he gets to it because I am a woman telling him, what to do and he doesn't always like it.
There is always so much happening in relationships and so many dynamics always changing it can be hard to keep up and stay on top of them. I know, for me at least, that just knowing that he's trying is enough. Maybe it will be enough for your wife too. The promise of coming change can be a boon strong enough to get over the hurdles that stand between now and then. And never be afraid to talk to her about what is going on, your concerns. I know it's hard because that's not how you were raised, but it can mean the world to her for you to open and show her that side. If you need her to help you keep a schedule or remind you of something from time to time that's something she needs to know too. Communication is key, no matter what is going on.
I hope this helps some
Then turn to the medical profession for evaluation, diagnoses, and treatment plans. Be completely forth coming with it.
When I speak of emotional abuse I would say that I did not purposely verbally put her down or speak badly of her to others either. What I did do though, because of my insecurities is stole much of her "free will" by not just being able to go with the flow. I sub-consciously and sometimes purposely looked at a lot of situations or plans that she would come up with and adjust them to meet my needs or comfort level. I am also not very good with patience so I have trouble living "In the Now." I'm always thinking ahead to the next thing and miss out on what's right in front of me. I also talk over her sometimes and that is a terrible controlling thing to do. I treated her more as a possession, than a partner. I guess one of the bottom lines is that my insecurities has caused me to do things that just are not fair to her. I've always considered her the "rock" in our relationship, but failed often to realize that she needed a different type of support. That being said, we are not very good at communicating with each other on some of the important things. We both tend to absorb what the other person is saying or how they may look to be feeling and try to "fix" each other. But, my "fixing" is to take control and I wrap it around trying to remove burdens from her to allow her to be better. But that is an controlling action. We used to have so much fun and joke around and just my stuff got in the way and she said she just gave up trying to do anything different with me.
Wandering Vet,
I have been on Prozac for 10+ years. I do not believe that I have bi-polar as badly as many other people around, but everyone sort of lives in their own versions of their own minds. For me I'm actually much less on the depression side of bi-polar and more on the manic side. I'm starting to think that I'm actually taking too much Prozac. I had a Dr. appt. last week and he wanted me to up my dosage/double it and also take a mood stabilizer. I doubled the Prozac for 3 days in a row and felt both anxious, scared and had what felt like high blood pressure. It was extremely scary. When I am in a manic state, I tend to become very scared and paranoid, to a point of almost debilitation. I started to read that too much anti-depressant can trigger higher mania. The mood stabilizer prescribed is supposed to combat that. In reality though I would rather deal with a bit of depression from time to time vs. constant mania every day. I have learned coping skills to pull myself out of depression, but controlling the mania with relaxation techniques and such just hasn't worked yet. My mind just races too much to get it under control. What I'm going to start doing is reducing my Prozac to about half a dose and continue with the Mood Stab. (it sounds like it could take a couple weeks to see improvements with this drug.) My hope is that a little less Prozac will balance with the Mood Stab. enough to reduce the mania to a point where I can manage and control it.
My relationship with my wife was pretty one sided for a long time. I'm in the process of changing and really hope like hell that I haven't been too late. I've asked her in the past and still do now, what she really needs, but I either did not respond quick enough or appropriately. I'm not a violent person, but do have done some things that have hurt her. I've also been hurt by some of her actions. I think our biggest issue was and still is that we do not communicate enough about the important things. This is 1.) because I talked over her too often and 2.) she let me instead of challenging me so we could come to some sort of resolution that works for both of us and our relationship.