I'm struggling mightily and I am at a loss. I'm posting this as a reach out to some folks that may have similar things going on as a support system. To be honest this post could fall under a number of different groups.
I'm just going to put out a number of things and am hoping that some folks would reach out with additional questions to keep up a back and forth conversation to try and develop some clarity.
Here are some facts, not all of them right now, I'm not sure anyone would want to read the whole thing.
1.) Male -- Age 49 -- Married 20+ years (possibly not for long) 3 grown children. 6 grandchildren
2.) I grew up in a family that did not show a lot of affection which has transitioned into my adult life.
3.) I am bi-polar, but taking medication that does really seem to help.
4.) Out of the Big 5 personality traits, I am highly neurotic (I've just come to realize this in the past week or so after reading about it. I thought neurotic behavior was just something that happened under stressful situations, not something that rules daily life) & introverted (but not because I don't like hanging around people, I just have esteem issues I think.)
5.) My predictive index shows me to also lack patience and be highly competitive.
6.) I'm not physically abusive or violent, but do go through swings of mental abuse. The mental abuse is not something that I do vindictively or consciously, but the end result is the same. I've stole a good part of her personality and soul.
7.) I'm a little bit more than controlling, not in an evil way, but its kind of like "It's needs to be my way or I will either try and change it to my way or sabatoge the invent somehow by mooping around and having a negative attitude.
8.) I believe I am in the throws of an "Existential Crisis" for probably 4 years or so. Triggered by changes in management at my last job, whereas the new manager started to devalue a lot of the accomplishments of many of us that had been at the company for many years. In my case 17 of the 30 years. Secondly, our last child graduated from high school and became an "adult."
9.) I drank everyday, for the past 4 years as a coping mechinism, not what I would call an alcoholic, but kind of just something to do and somewhere to hang out with people and my wife. (The local bars)
10.) I'm aware that I am not a bad person, but one that has been a jealous, controlling person that has difficulty living in the now. I evaluate things for potential "problems" instead of looking at things for the joy they are. My impatience causes my mind to think ahead to the next thing, giving little time to enjoy things for what they are.
11.) I am desperate to change, I hate myself and not just because of the pain I've inflicted on my wife.
Hi y'all I've been doing fairly well today with my anxiety .. but I was wondering if anyone still notices physical syptoms that still creep up even when not too anxious.. like I always have tinges of pain in my chest.. arms..neck ..etc.. or burning in my chest off and on .. Does anyone else experience this as well?
So my 3 months total abstinence project that took so many attempts to finally complete easily dragged onto 4 months. Didn't even take effort. There was barely any desire to go back. It took me by surprise. I don't know where to go with it from here. Feel like I just need to keep on rolling with this thing. See how far it goes. Think I have definitely felt better for it.