Ever since the election I had felt stressed.  I was coming up upon graduation from college, and that was bringing anxiety too.  Along with personal concerns, relationships, etc. I was feeling a greater than normal amount of stress, like almost overwhelming. I had a trip for one week planned to Europe and I was suppposed to leave next week.  I'd been thinking about if for months.  I mean all of this was good, but it sure was a lot.  I was looking forward of getting out of the US for a bit and exploring some other places.  But was feeling uneasy too.  I mean it is a long way to go when you are not so good with second and third languages. Things are quite weird now internationally, too.

This weekend, I was out on a routine hike as I have done for many years.  Unbelievably my boot caught on a rock as we were going downhill, I could not break my fall and went crashing into a large rock.  I broke my tibia/shin.  I could not walk off of the trail and had to call paramedics and give coordinates to carry me out.  Good thing I followed my insitincts, I've been injured before and know that further stress on an injury may worsen it.  I was right. The doctor told me today it was a straightforward and simple break and just 2mm more off would mean surgery and pins.  So, I have to be exceedingly careful, I am unsteady on crutches. I will be immobilized for six weeks. 

So, I had to cancel the trip.  Hopefully the trip insurance that I bought will refund me.  I won't be able to work for a while as my job is entrely on my feet.  I'm worried about finances, obviously.

The interesting thing though, even though it was just an accident, I literally caught my boot on this rock, I just can't help but feel like it had to do with the amount of stress that I was feeling. I typically enjoy hiking but usually pay very close attention to my footing.  I was not focused that day and was deep in a conversation.  Everything about the end of this year, though really positive, felt just a tad off.  The therapist was telling me to keep the trip a secret from my parents and I internally was not OK with this.  There was a lot of cognitive dissonance there.  I'm big on transparancy so I felt misaligned in terms of values.   I would never willingly have this happen, but I can't deny the cognitive dissonance between my therapist's advice and my dislike of big lies was a bit issue for me.  I was going to tell my mom  about it a few days before leaving, but secretly feared a huge argument. There's been a lot going on in that relationship.  I just wonder underneath it all that maybe my Higher Power doesn't agree with secrets and lies, either.  I had felt like just leaving the country and saying nothing was just plain stupid and dangerous.  Anyway, I'm not going so it doesn't matter.  She knows now about the trip and didn't seem phased by it, just was glad that I got trip insurance. It might be more fun in warm weather, anyway.  I got refunded on everything else.

I don't know how I feel about the universe and that everything happens for a reason, but there may be some truth to it. I have some 12-step background. I was in level ten pain when it happened. I spent about two days screaming and crying, and was so pissed off.  I tore the ligament in my rt. knee when I was about 20, that was a six month recovery.  I had always thought of the left leg as "the good one" as the rt. one acts up sometimes. Now, it's both.

Realistically, accidents happen.  I was devastated about not going on the trip and it should not be my first priority.  It will have to be rescheduled.  The therapist was asking about it a lot, not that it was something that needed to be talked about, I felt like too much emphasis was on it.  Sometimes I think in life when too much emphasis is on something, it is diminished...I don't know what I'm talking about.  It's like someone who is obsessed with getting a relationship, but then doesn't get the relationship because of the obession. The therapist seemed to think the trip was a good exercise in independence. That's fine, I'm pretty independent anyways. 

I know I'm rambling.  My other knee injury was six months recovery, in the hospital two days. A really big deal.  Me and knee injuries.  I am just very glad it was not worse-that I didn't break my kneecap, etc. It's not a spiral or other kind of more serious break.  The dr. does not think there is any dislocation, etc.  It's going to be a real challenge to walk/wheel across the stage at graduation.  This ought to be interesting.