A quick history: brain trauma at 21 resulting in epilepsy; accepted and dealt with that. Then at 45, menopause hit with everything it could throw at me;  including long, debilitating depression. I finally went on hormone replacement therapy with ok results for 2 years, but recently have had a setback. They raised my HRT but with little result, and I'm now seriously considering anti-depressants.

The tricky part is: I can't just stop taking hormones and start taking an anti-depressant. I'd have to wean myself slowly off of one, and slowly introduce the other (and if I'm lucky, whatever anti-depressant I'd be taking will be the one that works perfectly for me). But having had experience with neurological medication, I know that there's a bigger chance of having to try this pill, then that pill, then this dosage, then that dosage, before finding the Right Medication. In any case, there will be at least a couple months of me taking anti-seizure meds AND hormone meds AND anti-depressants.

For the record, I'm doing as much Mindful Meditation as I can, including every night  before I go to sleep, which sometimes helps and sometimes doesn't, and I'm seeing a counselor at least once a week, which helps also, but not entirely. Because of my epilepsy, I don't drive, and my only real support group are my husband and 17-yr-old; no other family. There's not a yoga class closeby that I can afford. I've tried other natural remedies like herbal supplements with only vague success.

I know that part of my problem is that I'm isolated, but I am not hireable or can even volunteer when I don't know how I'm going to be on any given day until I wake up that day. I used to be so reliable and dependable, but now it's day-to-day. The uncertainty and randomness of the depression episodes are emotionally, mentally AND physically exhausting. Naturally, my moods affect my family; my relationship with my husband is certainly strained (we love each other enough to stand by each other, but as my main and only source of emotional support, he naturally gets tapped out.)

I just want to feel good....at least most of the time....I don't have to be able to do a decathalon; just feel good enough to enjoy my life and get things done. I would like to wake up and not have to FIGHT OFF the depression almost every damn morning. Sometimes I can win the fight, but often it leaves me exhausted and I have to recuperate. I'm going on 56 years old and there's so much I want and need to accomplish, but I feel that my life is passing by. I had plans for myself, and not only did I have to shelve them, I can't even make solid plans for the week because I don't know what I will feel like.

The idea of a Happy Pill is sooo very tempting, but I dread the months of the experimentation stage, especially since the results may be leave me just as bad if not worse than I am now.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I just needed to vent.

May your path be smooth, at least smoother than mine.