I've been trying not to overfocus too much on the friend that has come back into my life, but I don't know if I'm doing a very good job of it.  I can't determine if I'm just lonesome and want to replace my relationship, and he is here...I don't know...or if I'm really attracted to him.  I'm going to guess that I am at least a little attracted to him because if I weren't, well then I wouldn't be thinking of it at all.  I kept wishing he was here with me yesterday and then I heard from him this morning.  My heart always races when I see a message from him. I guess it's nice, you can feel that way about several people over the course of your life, but it's nice when it happens again. I just didn't think it was going to be him. I never imagined that it would.

Still, I feel some sort of ambivalence/resistance. Maybe it is because of the fact that it has been so long. He says that "things are just the same as they used to be," and in a way, yes, the connection is still there, but it is different.  I know for a fact that I have changed and it's been a very long time.  And the energy with him is different for me. The same friendship is still there, but with a certain level of attraction.

He asked me if I had plans for this weekend, which I do.  I'm not sure if he wanted to get together, but I still want to keep my plans as a single. I just don't know yet.  I'm glad we have a connection but at the same time I would like to continue with my life and keep my options open.  We have plans for next weekend, which I invited him to in a burst of friendly feeling for old times, but that was before these thoughts sunk in.  I'm starting to get nervous now, and I never have. Thoughts in my mind, such as, "are we driving together? is he picking me up? Should he come in afterward? Should I meet him there? What should I wear? How should I fix my hair?" These were never a consideration when we hung out before, and now suddenly they are racing through my mind. Out of sheer anxiety I keep think of bailing or rescheduling or making something up just to avoid the whole discomfort, not because I don't want to see him. 

I'm going to keep this weekend's plans and probably just do the hang out with him as a friend next time just to test the waters and see how it lands.  I might be having wishful thinking about him and just keeping up with my routine will let me see if it's just that.  I really don't think it's a good idea to just start hanging out all the time just because he showed up.  The truth is I don't know the real reason I am hearing from him all of these years-is he just lonesome and wanting someone to latch on to?  Is he looking for a relationship?  What is his deal? It just feels like it's something besides, "I haven't seen you in a long time?" I know he was always introverted and didn't have a lot of connections. I guess I'm overthinking it but I can't help it.  I've had a lot of people in my life with ulterior motives.