it looks like youre in the middle of a panic attack

please take a deep breath and know that this is a temporary condition, and it will pass

look around your desk, find something that interests you, focus on it... notice every detail about it... think about its past... how was it made? by whom? where?

distraction is the key, and understanding that you will get through this temporary condition

the first step is to ride out the panic attack

after that, we can start to work on making them not start in the first place

also, lots of us here care, and want to help

*hugs*

I think I am. Focusing on something isn't working. I'm scaring myself. I've never really had suicidal thoughts before but right now I'm having them. Or I really want to break something. I already have actually. A really nice statue that I already regret ruining. I can't think. Can't breathe. All I can think is that all the bad things people think about me are true. I'm a terrible wife and mother. I'm pretty sure my husband is going to bring up divorce soon. My children deserve better. They deserve a mother who doesn't cry all the time. Who isn't exhausted all the time. Who can take care of them and have fun with them. They all deserve better.

What should I do? I'm scared to call my husband and tell him I'm feeling like this. He'll just use it against me. I have no friends or family here. We moved here six months ago and there's no one to talk to, no one to ask for help. What should I do? I'm scared to death.

you can be the mother you think they deserve

you can do this

millions of others have, and you can too

we can all tell you how we've handled it (or are still handling it) and you can read from many many others how they have... you can talk to dr's and therapists and they can tell you how others have, but remember, its an individual process... and things that work for one person wont always work for the next... BUT... there is ALWAYS a way

and we're here to help you find it

can you do something physical, to wear yourself out? a run? a walk? jumping jacks? lifting a dumbell or just something heavy? do it till you cant do it anymore

or even a shower can help

I don't know. I'm always so physically tired. Just the thought of taking a walk is super exhausting. My kids are out of school today so they're home with me. I can't just up and leave them to exercise. I guess I could just do jumping jacks or something. I just can't stop the thoughts in my head. I'm such a horrible person. i should be better. I should be stronger than this. Thank you for replying! Thank you for talking to me.

no, you cant stop the thoughts in your head... you have to replace them

you are NOT a horrible person... you are just focusing on the negative

its a habit a lot of us have... the media teaches us to look for the negative in every story, fiction or not... and then they bring in a hero to save the day, the way they want it to be saved

but when its happening to us, personally, we have to be our own heroes

everything in the universe has a good and bad side...

a bee stings you and you hurt and it dies... thats easy to see the bad side... but the good side is that the bee successfully defended its queen, and usually, the one it stings isnt hurt all that badly

a nuclear bomb fell on hiroshima and killed thousands and hurt many more... its really easy to see that bad side... but the good side is, it ended a long war that would have been a lot longer, and killed a lot more, without the bomb(s)

see where im going with this?

every time you see yourself noticing the bad side of something, stop, and force yourself to see 2 good things about it instead

youre in your office, crying, having a panic attack... its really easy to see the bad side there... but there IS a good side too... you started the process of reaching out and getting the resources you need to turn your life into a happy one again

Right now it just seems way too hard to try and do anything to make it better. It's too hard to change. My husband keeps saying I need to change. I don't want to be depressed but I don't know how to change it. Last time I was on medication but I don't feel it really did any good. Eventually I was weaned off if it and things were fine for years. Now I'm depressed again and I know I need to go to a doctor. He'll probably prescribe medication again. I just don't know how much it will help. It seems too hard to try and change other things. I'm told to forget the past but the past has caused me to think and feel the way I do today. Things that I'm supposed to be doing are affected because I think to myself, "Well the last time I was in this situation such-and-such happened" and that affects how I react to the situation in the present. But I'm told that's wrong and I shouldn't do that.

It's hard to see the good side or the positive side of anything right now. I could tell myself that I'm a good mom or whatever to try and combat the negative thinking but right now I don't believe it. I wouldn't believe a single positive thing I said about myself. So I don't know what to do.

Everyone thinks I"m crazy. My husband. My in-laws. I think even my parents think it. Does that mean I'm crazy? If a person is depressed are they actually crazy? Maybe I really can't think and none of my thoughts make sense. I try explaining how I feel and they all look at me like I'm a child. It's like my opinion on anything doesn't count because of my depression. I'm sincerely asking, are people unable to make rational decisions or have rational thoughts about ANYTHING when they are depressed?

you are standing at the base of a mountain and looking at the top and thinking how to get there in one bound... but thats not going to happen... instead, you need to look at the ground in front of you, and think about where your next step is going to be... your next handhold as you climb the mountain... if you only see the top of the mountain, you cant see the path that leads you to it

yes, its very hard right now, i know... but keep looking for the positives anyway... once it becomes habit, you'll start to look at something and see the good in it first... and thats when it'll really start to make a difference

yes, you should go see a dr... but tell him all of your concerns... tell him you didnt like the meds you used to be on, and why... theres a lot of other meds they can try

also, ask for a therapist... i believe one that does Cognative Behaviorial Therapy would help you a LOT (it teaches you to re-order your thoughts so they wont get caught in this spiral they're in now)

tell your husband that you know theres a problem and tell him what steps you plan to take to correct the problem (seeing a dr, talking here, etc), and take those steps... if you need help taking the small steps, ask him for help

if you ask him to carry you to the top of the mountain, hes not very likely to be able to do that... but if you ask him to help you plant your foot on the next step on the path, he'll probably be happy to help

*hugs*

yes, rational thought IS possible... you are demonstrating it right here as you post

be glad they cant understand what youre going through... but also be glad that the people here do

you are NOT crazy... if you do some research, you'll see that there is an entire ocean of difference between having problems with depression and anxioty and not being able to think rationaly

even with the thoughts that run through your head right now that are extreme and would be 'crazy', you know the difference and would never do any of them, right?

you are NOT alone... there are MILLIONS of us who deal with this on a daily basis... some of us are in the same place you are... but some of us have gotten to the top of the mountain i was talking about

I just honestly can't thank you enough for replying to my plea for help. I felt like there was no one in the entire world at that moment that I could talk to.

What should I do when I get so angry? I was frustrated because of a fight I had just had with my husband. I felt completely alone. I felt like everything was wrong with me. I was also mad that he couldn't just understand where I was coming from. After he left and before I got on here to beg for help I got so mad. I ended up throwing a figurine to the ground (the children weren't around) where it smashed to pieces. I also broke my glasses. Both were pretty dang stupid things to do but I just felt so mad I had to get it out somehow. What should I do when that happens again?

im glad you found this page and the courage to post here

its how i found this board a lot of years ago too

helping others is also a coping mechanism... sometimes when i give advice to others, i look at it, and go, 'wow, i should try that myself'

its a process... and some parts of it arent easy... but theres lots of us that can help through those... and i really think if you break it down into small, doable steps, your family would love to help... its that whole 'get me to the top of the mountain' thing they cant handle cause they dont know the path... they cant know... only you can know and really, the only way you can find it is by putting one foot in front of the other

it does work, i promise... even if it doesnt feel all that great when you start... and its not an instant gratification kinda thing, unfortunately

even if the dr puts you on meds, they arent meant to fix the problem (usually)... they're just meant to give you a helping hand as you start to find your path... and hopefully, eventually, you can come off the meds again because you wont need them anymore

(but sometimes its necessary to stay on them to stay on top of that mountain... but by then, you'll like the results enough to not be bothered by taking them)

the way i handled my anger issues was actually pretty hard to start, but it worked wonders... i almost never get angry anymore

i learned to stop when i felt angry, and look at the situation... and i would ask myself, 'how much anger is appropriate for this situation and how long should i stay angry? the rest of my life? 10 years? a year? a month? a day? a minute? a second?'

sometimes, lifelong anger was appropriate... like when a "friend" stole some heirlooms that were passed down from my grandfather... but usually, the appropriate anger was demonstrated before i was done asking the question

once youve decided on an appropriate level and duration of anger tword a situation, you can decide what you should do about it... and usually, the answer is nothing... but sometimes you can decide what to say to someone to fix the situation, or whatever it takes

this wasnt an easy process, but once it became habit, it became a way of life... i used to be an EXTREMELY angry person, VERY physical about it too... but i cant remember the last time i actually acted out on my anger

(yes, i still feel it sometimes, but, i dont overreact to it)