Hi Nightfire,
Have you thought about what you enjoyed together before you got married? Married couples lose what they had at first when life becomes routine. Then they have expectations not being met and complaining starts to grow on them like a second skin. Maybe if you start to appreciate little things when you’re together it might make life more pleasant for both of you. Even if you are watching a movie that you both dislike, if you enjoy each other’s company, you get can something positive out of it. Try to recoup by going for some comfort food that you both enjoy. If you miss going out with her, have you considered making it happen rather than asking or waiting for it? I hope that helps a bit.

First...you're to be congratulated for what you're doing for your FIL. Thank you...

Second...I've only followed from a distance, but I don't think that your wife is ever coming back.

I KNOW you miss her. It's painfully clear.

But I have yet to read what SHE is saying about HER feelings. Do you know them? What are they? Can you love someone that you don't even know?

What's her favorite flower? Her favorite movie? What makes her happy? What makes her sad?

What makes her feel better when she's really, really, REALLY angry?

(My daughter...holding her. And singing this stupid pony song from when she was little. Also looking straight into her eyes as and listening as she talks. She's not angry much...but that's what she likes when she is.

My son...rubbing his feet or back. He's often not facing me. Most of the time he's not even talking and neither am I. Just "being" beside him and letting him "feel" the anger.

Sometimes, if they were angry at me...after I listen, it turns out that they were right. Sigh. Yup, I'm not a perfect mother.

I DO NOT say that at the time. That would be selfish. This is THEIR time to be angry and vent.

Sometimes I have to change, and sometimes that's hard. Most of the time I actually don't have to do anything. We hug, often laugh, and feel closer than ever.)


So...think about it. What makes your wife feel better. If you don't know, get quiet and listen. Do this BEFORE you know if she'll ever come back. And even if you think she never will.

At least that's what worked for me.

so in reading your post, and the reactions to your post I have to comment. I felt sympathy for you when I read it. then Cora's post, and I get where she is coming from, even if she is being confrontational about it.

But you're on that path where you can't imagine a life that's any better due to any efforts you may put forth, and BELEIVE me I get it, I'm there alot. Pick one thing to work on, to do differently, to work towards being a happier you and work on that until you've got it licked.

thanks for the support guys/gals, one thing that makes things very difficult is the fact that my wife does not talk with me, even when things were seemingly ok, she wouldnt talk to me about problems and things, if there was a fight or i was caught doing something i shouldnt of been doing, then in that moment we would say things, but it got brushed under the rug quickly and never talked about, i know i was hard to talk with, but shed easily quit, she also never understood me as far as how my mental issues would affect things and i think she mainly thought of them as excuses.

its been 5 months now and we have not had any real talk yet, shes either stuwing in her anger and hurt feelings or she just doesnt give a crap.

i have bent over backward to try and show her the real and new me im becoming full time, im not made up of that horrible monster i often behaved like, even though i often think i am that.

I'm sure that there are many difficulties.

The issue with focusing on them, is that you're focusing on what's at issue for YOU (you want her to communicate more, you want her to understand your mental issues, you want a "real talk"), and not what's going on with HER.

You're just guessing that she's 'stewing in juices, hurt feelings, or doesn't give a crap'. You are just guessing. You do not know, and you will never know unless she trusts you enough to tell you.

You don't get points for bending over backwards...when you're the one deciding how to bend.

Put another way...if your car is out of oil...it doesn't matter how much gas you put in the tank or how much you spend on gas. It's still out of oil. You can spend and spend and bend and bend...and your engine is going to freeze up.

This isn't about you being a "horrible monster". That's changing the subject.




Okay...you wrote that she texted you that she went to the movies..yes?

So a response might be..."I'm glad that you were able to get out of the house."

i do care about her and her feelings and when we text i to text her things like that, she chooses to end the conversation, not me, i cant force her to talk to me

No you can't force her and you shouldn't be trying to.

This is a GOOD Thing that she's ending the conversation.

You've got control over one thing...and one thing only...your response. Work on seeing HER responses as "good".

It's a hard habit to break. Instead of seeing how you didn't get what you want, and switching it to seeing if she got what she wanted.

And if she did (in this case the conversation ending) seeing that as a Good thing.

Hang in there . Maybe go through the motions of everyday life until they feel normal. One day at a time