Still thinking about you - please post here if you can.

I'm still here in the 'land of the living'...I spent the last couple days wallowing in self pity/loathing; isolating myself from others so that my depression doesn't bring them down. I can tell you from experience that isolation is depression's best friend. Everytime I get really low, I have a need to retreat into isolation.
Something kept me from following thru with my plans; I'm sure it was thinking of my 10yr old son who looks up to me & adores me. I know he would be devastated to be w/o his 'best buddy'; I love him dearly! He is my lifeline, my only connection with this life. Soon my family will suffer thru with the challenges of separation. I don't feel I have a future to look forward to. I won't have my 'little buddy' around me all the time anymore - why stick around for this?? Not much of a future to look forward to. My depression is so strong it tells me my son will be alright w/o me; his mother will remarry & he'll have a new daddy that will provide for him.
I am scheduled to see a Psychiatrist on July 6th (my b-day!) for new meds...I hope this can stabilize/reverse my so called irrational thoughts 'cause my next breakdown may very well be my last...

Hang in there Mal - glad to see you have an appt - good Birthday present to yourself. It really is.

I guarantee you that your "little buddy" needs you in his life.

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through with your family. Try and focus on making you better though. It's the foundation of it all - you. You can do it. Don't let the depression win. It is so true what you say about isolation - when the depression sets in, all we want to do is isolate; which, ironically is the worst thing for us to do. We have to push through that. Reaching out on here is a step in the right direction.

I am sending you so much strength. You can do this, Mal. You owe it to yourself and your son. BIG HUG for you.

Mal...hearing from you and seeing your post just made my day. I am so happy that you pushed through some of the darkness and held onto the thought of your son. You are so right...he would miss you terribly...keep that in the forefront. You are his one and only dad. He needs you...you need him...hang onto that love and that feeling.

If there is indeed a separation, it will no doubt bring some new challenges, but this is when your little boy will need you most. I think you are stronger than you realize, most of us are...we just have to dig pretty deep to find it sometimes.

And I think it's okay to wallow sometimes...I did that a few weeks ago for a day...gave myself permission to feel like shit and just let it ride. Actually felt better the next day...took the pressure off myself just for a day. Kinda worked for me but I can see how it might not be for everyone...dif levels of depression and all.

I hope your Doc visit yields good results and Happy (early) Birthday! ( :

Thank you for letting us know you are safe.
Keep posting and writing, as it really and truly does help.

You WILL have better days. I know you will.

(((((HUGS))))))

Please keep your posts coming, Mal...I have been praying very hard for you. Changes in our relationships are so hard to get through, but Mal, I AM LIVING PROOF that there is light on the other side!!!!

I left my husband of 20 years to relocate to a new state with my same sex lover....talk about change!!! I just wasn't happy anymore, and I couldn't 'fit' into the life I had built. Bottom line~I had to FINALLY be true to myself and be who God created me to be! And THAT isn't easy!!! It's been a 2+ year struggle, but I can FINALLY say that I AM HAPPY. You have to muddle through those dark days....you just DO...but I can guarantee you that as dark as it is where you are right now, there is a light that is even MORE BRIGHT than the worst darkness.

Please keep hope in your heart and faith in your front pocket.....God WILL see you through IF you give Him the reins and put your FAITH in HIM. If I did it, you can do it too!!!!!!!

I believe in YOU.

There is nothing I can say that has not already been said. I am rooting for you and would add you in my prayers. Hang in There. Your son needs you.

So glad you're still here and fighting! I'm proud of you for not going through with your plan.

Broken family or not...your son will ALWAYS need you. You're his dad. You are irreplaceable.

Best wishes with your appointment!

Everyone's support is appreciative...I mentioned in another post that my pessimism has been whats kept me here. I fear that there might actually be an even worse place than this! Imagine that...