Oh God. You sound very serious.

OK. if you are, he's what I can say. Blowing your brains out is extremely messy. My stepsons best friend did it on his parents deck but he lay down a white sheet first, and also dressed in a tuxedo for the occassion.

Who will find you? Some random hunter who will stumble over your corpse.

Yes, you are being selfish and thoughtless.

I hope you kick this disease in the ass and join us in the FUCK DEPRESSION THREAD.

I've walked in your shoes friend. Please, please, please reconsider.

Don't. Please don't. From personal experience, this is not the way to go and I hope somewhere inside of you..you know that as well. When shit hits the fan like this and you are planning you need to seek help. Believe it or not checking yourself into a hospital can sometimes be the very thing you need....a break from it all so you can get the needed help and hopefully some perspective.

Depression is the selfish bastard...not you. It takes us to places no one should ever have to experience. It robs us of an ability to think logically when it becomes too much. You have to fight it. You have to. I know how hard it is...believe me I do, but you deserve to be here just as any of us do and find some joy in life. You can fight this...you can! I am sending you every ounce of support and prayers and good thoughts that I can. You matter...don't do this. Get some help. Please. (((hugs)))

This evil disease is telling you that you deserve to die alone, in the woods, like an animal, with no comfort. I think you deserve better.

You can't imagine the love that those around you have for you. I know how hard it is to "feel" that love right now, but it's there. This would destroy those who love you, and as much as you're probably thinking that they would get over it, they may never.

If you really can't shake these thoughts, I'm begging you to get somewhere safe, with somebody to watch over you. From there, once you're safe, please look into getting help, so that this can be the LAST time you ever thnk these things.

Hugs and light to you

Mal, listen to Jenne's reply. It is right on.

Don't even read my reply. I panicked.

Your depression is telling you things. Don't listen. Fight for your life.
Get through this and get into a hospital where you can get proper help.

I too tried 3 times to commit suicide. Everyday I'm thankful that I failed.
Everyday I have a new chance at life, and it's beautiful.

Please please don't do this.

I am asking my angels to come to your side, mal! Watch for them, and ask them to help you too.

Don't go through with your plan. I need you. We ALL need you! I beg of you, DO NOT DO THIS. There will be light soon, I PROMISE!!!!

PLEASE call the hotline.


USA: Hopeline (Suicide): 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
USA: Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-Talk (1-800-8255)
USA: Teen Hotline Covenant House NineLine: 1-800-999-9999
USA: SOS Teen Hotline: 1-800-949-0057
USA: Grief Recovery Helpline : 1-800-445-4808
USA: Directory of local helplines / centers
UK: Samaritans (Nat'l and local): 08457 90 90 90 or jo@samaritans.org
Global directory of suicide hotlines


Please don't make your wife go through a scenario like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3_85GXsKqk

Not trying to bring in guilt, but your self loathing won't allow you to understand that others care for and about you. PLEASE try to hang in. Hugs of support.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAHzrtckTCE

I can only echo what others have said here. A couple of years ago I put myself in hospital. I had quite a close call really and I hadn't meant to take my life. I was referred to someone for treatment and over time I made a full recovery. I can only say I'm glad I'm still alive. I find the song in the link above a great comfort. I think it puts into words what we're all saying here - you'll get through this and we're all behind you.

Mal, please hang in there. You said this is one of your journals -

I describe depression as the devil's disease; it creates this illusion that self destruction is the only path towards salvation.

It's an illusion. I believe in you and you can get through this. Please check yourself into a hospital for help. There is nothing wrong with seeking help. I'm crying reading this knowing that someone is feeling so bad that they feel the need to take their life. Please reconsider and find the help you need and deserve. You *can* get better. I understand how tough it can feel and how bad it can feel - we all do.

BIG HUG

Ive only just joined here and read this. I really feel for you, please dont do this! Ive been where you are now and Im clawing my way back up. Ive relapsed once already and have started having some mood problems now but im not gonna let this cruel disease finish me. I notice you have anxiety too, so do I and its horrific! You are not selfish you are being tortured by your condition. It seems everyone else is being selfish trying to keep you here but I thought this too and they arent they are just wanting to save you! There is help out there and medications that work. Wish I could come to your house right now and help you, please hang on in there x

Do you have access to a gun? If you do, I think you should get away from it. Go stay somewhere else for awhile, give it to a friend, lock it up and give the key away for now.

I know so many people have felt the way you do now. Some aren't with us anymore, but some (so many) are. We either didn't act on it, or did but survived. You can get through this. I have felt the same way, seriously said the exact same things, especially the response to being called selfish. Depression is terrible, but there are treatments. There are good days. There are always reasons to stay alive through the horror.

Please let us know how you are, Mal. We are all very worried...

If you really want to give your wife a gift, ask her to drive you to the hospital and check in. You will get the help you need and these feelings will change. They ALWAYS do if you can give it time, but you need help NOW. It is available and I too am asking you to do the best thing for your wife and you and all your loved ones, get to the hospital ASAP.

If you need a ride, call 911 and ask for help getting there. They will send someone quickly that can help. Please stick around. I had similar thoughts month ago and some new meds are making a huge difference. It can work for you too. Please call for help NOW.

mal,

I don't know you personally, but judging by all the love posted here, you are a very special person to so many. I can't give any better advice than what's been posted here, but I want to offer my support and let you know that you are not alone.

This disease is like an abuser. It kicks you when you're down. It robs you of any self worth and makes you feel like you'd be better off dead. You can fight this! I promise you, you can!

Just a few short weeks ago, I stood in my garage and threw a rope over the rafters, attached one end of the rope to the trailer hitch on my car, tied a noose with the other end and put it around my neck, stood on a chair about to hang myself. All I had yet to do was kick the chair out from underneath me. Something snapped in my mind and I realized my best friend would probably be the one to find me there. I started to realize that maybe there was another way. And am I thankful I did.

I've not told this to a single soul, but I'm posting it here because I was so close just weeks ago, and today I am happier than I've been in a long time. Sure, it's still a struggle some days, but then there's those really good days, like today, and I'm so glad I didn't go through with my plan.

Sometimes we have to dig deep within ourselves to find the strength to go on. I believe you have that strength just as I did. You just have to realize that you are worth it, and surrender to care.

Please reconsider and seek the help you need and deserve.

My prayers are with you.

Sincerly,
Angela

Hoping you've decided to get some help, mal.

Praying for your safety...

I hope you're still with us.