I've been fixing my life in a lot of ways. There had been SO MANY things to fix I just couldn't do it all at once.  Basically substandard living situations and abusive, dysfunctional dynamics had a stranglehold in my life.  It took a period of years to address some huge issues.  I've been working at everything over the course of years.

I still have a nagging problem in my life, and it's mostly gone unaddressed.  My hair was on fire with other huge problems consuming all of my time. The problem that remains is this friendhip that I really question.  I think my support group and life coach was tired of hearing about it, and even when I was doing therapy, the therapist was annoyed after the third time I brought it up or so.  I think I hang onto this relationship because I stopped *almost* all of my contact with my very abusive family.  I'm not sure what my logic in hanging on to this person is-that this person and group of people are my "family"? IDK.

Trying to make a long story short...the person is pretty controlling.  It's petty, stupid, and it's led to text arguments, bordering on hostile exhanges.  I perceive this person to be acting in an entitled manner and being demanding. The last blow up was over the fact that I had plans on the same day that I had plans with her-not that I was cancelling-but that I had a picnic in the afternoon and a walk with her in the morning. She told me our walk would be a full day event and why was I going to this picnic...and I informed her that I would not be told what to do with my schedule...that agreeing to things doesn't mean spending entire days togetheI r.  don't have the time to do that anymore. We used to do full day out of town events on the regular.  I'm not doing that anymore. I felt used.  She refused to drive and would barely contribute to gas and I was literally driving her all over the state for day trips where my every move was dictated by her.  I said we could do local in town events anymore as this traveling was too much.

Hangouts have become incredibly stressful.  We are part of a larger group, which seems to be dissovling due to her behavior, at least that is what I can tell.  One person told her not to include her in the emails and take her off the distribution list, and there have been other complaints. When she sends out the monthly emai for the get together nobody responds.  I do, but that's about it.

For her birthday, she demanded that we all sit outside in the middle of the summer (we live in the desert-it's really bad here) and on my birthday she tried to get me to move my party outside-my birthday is middle of summer also.  (I didn't, though) It's been 120 degrees here on occasion.

Usually, the email comes out at the beginning of the month.  I was dragging my heels on answering because if I answer anything besides no, it's a big debate all month long with arguging back and forth about where we are going.  So I put it off. 

I opened up the email a week later than normal. I'm working on recovery, recovery from PTSD, depression, possible bipolar diagnosis. I'm changing my medication, seroquel, after ten years, and I dumped my a** psychiatrist.  I got a new one, and switched to geodon. Med change has been brutal Raw-dogging sleeples nights, agitation, panic attacks and severe nightmares.  Some paranoid ideation came in but that might be due to the MMJ. Not clear on the extent of my mood disorder, if it even is that. My new psych is getting to know me.  I feel a fuller range of emotions now on Geodon, but it's been extremely difficult to rely on DBT skills and mindfulness meditation as the nightmares are epic.  It's getting better.  My point is I don't have the emotional energy for her behavior.  When dysregulated I can be brutal, so I really don't engage much when I can tell I'm getting angry.

The other day, I opened up my email to this four-paragraph tirade that she sent to the whole of us, about six people: "I've asked that people respond, and all you need to do is respond."  It was longer than that, but she ranted for four paragraphs.  It's so stressful to respond to her at all that I put it off.  I also had the flu for ten days.  As part of my recovery one of the things I do is delay responding to situations where I know I'm hot and likely to become angry.  Her pushing me and forcing is going to bring out a side she's not going to like.  My abuser was highly controlling and demanding and I developed a lot of very negative behaviors, explosive temper, manipulation, etc., that I can say in very large part I've left those behaviors behind. I'm afraid they will come back.  In short, this is triggering.  I was furious when I saw the email.  My life has been going so much better, so when something triggers me to the past or of situations that I used to deal with a lot, I seriously question the place that person has.  I'm on the verge of ending this decade long relationship which I think is likely held in place by her.