First of all, congratulations on your new pregnancy! I wish you the best of luck.

Personally, and I don't want to seem harsh, but your boyfriend is being selfish. I live in Florida and also went to college here. And, the Florida schools are not really any more special than those in other parts of the country--there is nothing really "Ivey League" here. Now, YES, a few of the Florida schools are noted for partying (like the one I attended--top party school in the country). But, that is NOT important when you have the responsibilities that he has. The only exception I would give to this is if he was some aspiring physicist, FSU or U of F (my school) would be a good place, but mostly for graduate studies. Undergrad really has no advantage as they don't get to play with the "toys" that the grads work with. What school is he wanting to attend? Also note that due to the economy, they are being tougher than ever down here--getting accepted at a Florida school is not easy anymore. (I would not have been accepted by a long shot based on the criteria they use today, even though I'm now a small business owner and an expert in my field).

Your boyfriend has a responsibility and going away to school when there are perfectly good schools up there sounds to me like he is running from that responsibility.

And, I don't want to scare you, but college often changes people. It's often their first experience on their own. It's not unusual for someone to be in a relationship, move away to college, and build NEW relationships there. Again, not to put you down or scare you or say anything bad about his feelings for you, but this is a fact of life and a real danger in your case.

Caitlin, I will try...I'm definitely nervous too..=[

Robert, thank you for the congrats!! I'm thinking he really wanted to go to U of F. And yes it makes me feel like he's being selfish in a way. But then I feel guilty when he says he wants to go there to get an education to help support us.
But he's going to be the one in school and doing what he wants to do, when I'm here with the baby taking on all the responsibility.

and he can own up to his part of it and be there with you as support too. how dare he take off when you are pregnant! i would not be happy as i am sure there are schools near you that would be fine as well. i am glad he wants an education but you need him there too. i would be soo hurt and mad myself if i were you.

Please forgive the analogy, but if your having sex was responsible for property damage, you would both be equally liable for it, and hence share the cost of fixing it. In your case the result is a a baby; and you both have a responsibility for taking care of it.

So please, by all means, share your feelings with him. No way should you have to deal with the emotions all by yourself. But by the same token he has the right to share his emotions with you.

bmoney, PHEW, that is EXACTLY how i feel, i just didnt know if i was being crazy and selfish over it!

ThePepperMan, I agree with you. I just want to be like, what if i left the baby with you and went to florida to go to college! ugh so frusterating. no matter what his decision is, i'm going to be the best mother i can possibly be and be there and take care of him/her.

Ahhhh.... The University of Florida. I'm an alumni.... Spent 3 years there (did my first 2 at a local community college, and I feel I learned more USEFUL THINGS at the community college than I did at U of F, personally).

Let me say this carefully: THAT SCHOOL IS NOTHING SPECIAL. It's a party school. It's fun. It's BIG. Did I like it? Yes. Is he going to get any better of an education there as he would anywhere else? Probably not. Especially Undergrad--they tend to favor the grad students A LOT there. Undergrads are just something they "have to deal with."

And, the big one: Is it a school an opportunity that he can't refuse given his present situation with his pregnancy? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

thank you to everyone that posted to this, helped me tons

i would be torn as well. but not afraid to take a stand and say woah, i'm not going to be left here alone with this baby to take care of. if he was that selfish to only worry about himself going away for school and not more about his unborn child, i'd think he wasn't worth it and demand financial support at least. there is this thing called a community college. trust me, i've taken full advantage. you can get good degrees there, good education. and they're less expensive, close to home, you can work full time and still go to school full time. like i said, i've been there, done that. it's rough but when you've got something big on your plate, you can make it work.

slippedaway, you have really good points and i think thats going to help me bring up this situation with him. thank you so so much

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Please tell him what you want. If you want him to be a Father which means raising your child, then he needs to be with you so that you can raise your child together. There are plenty of GOOD schools in your are I am sure. In my opinion, you are worrying too much about him, his feelings and his dreams. If I were in your shoes (you asked) I would TELL my boyfriend what I expect from him as Father if he wasn't sure how to be one. Maybe the timing is not right for him but every action has a consequence & if he runs off to Florida & just sends money with an occasional visit then he is an absentee Father who is shirking his responsibilites.

Raising a child is the hardest job in the world. I know many, many people that have had unplanned pregnancies & had to simply change their life goals (education, etc.). You and the baby need him to be around 24/7.

I know you are very scared and do not want to hold him back from his goal of going to college in Florida, so it is YOUR choice now how you want to handle this situation. A part-time Father for your baby is better then no Father and by Father, I mean a man who is raising his child with time, money and love, not just a sperm donor.

sorry "area"

Slipped, yes, I TOTALLY agree on the community college thing. When I went to school, I did 2 years of community college and then went away for my 4-year degree. Honestly, I feel community college was MUCH better than the 4-year degree. I learned a lot more there. (and my 4-year degree came from U of F just like Jen's boyfriend wants to go). Here are a few things that many college-bound people may not understand:

1) Community Colleges often cater to people who already have a career and are either looking for a change or even better, their employer is paying for their school to IMPROVE their current skills. What's this mean? Community Colleges are more likely to cover USEFUL topics, as companies don't want to pay for an employee's education if it consists mostly of useless subject matter--they want PRACTICAL.

2) Most community colleges are used to students who have other responsibilities, like a family and a full-time job. Usually, their schedules, work assignments, etc reflect this. Try to attend a 4-year college with a full-time job and you will quickly understand what I'm talking about.

3) Most students at 4-year universities are going there to get that "piece of paper." They do not yet have a career and they are not using the college to enhance their skills for the sake of an employer. As a result, they specialize more in teaching THEORY rather than PRACTICAL applications. While, I agree that there is a place for theory, unless you are a scientist, theory is not going to get you a job. The days of employers hiring people just because they have that piece of paper are LONG GONE.

3) Although they don't want to admit it, colleges are in it for one thing and one thing only: MONEY. And, contrary to popular belief, most 4-year schools do NOT make the majority of their money from undergrad tuition. Instead, their main sources of money are corporate sponsorships, research grants, joint research programs with major corporations, publications, etc. And, do the undergrads work on most of these programs? Nope. The GRADUATE STUDENTS are the ones who get to work on these research programs. Translation: undergrads are there as a "necessary evil." GRADUATE STUDENTS are where the money is. So, what do they concentrate on? You guessed it...

Here's a little story: when I was at U of F, I had a very good instructor, teaching a computer programming language. She was very well-liked by her students, and she always made herself available to her (undergrad) students assisting them with their studies. When you went to her classes, YOU LEARNED. Simple. And, what she taught were practical skills that you would use on a real job. Well, one day, I went to class and she sat down with all of us and had a discussion, off-topic from her normal teaching. You see, the college was demoting her because she was not writing enough publications and studies for the college--she was not bringing in enough research grant money for them. What was she doing instead? TEACHING HER STUDENTS! ***THE HORROR!!!*** How dare she actually spend her time TEACHING instead of bringing in research grant money and book proceeds! (when you go to a 4-year school, it is very common that many of the books you buy are actually written by the class instructor--they must PUBLISH to bring in money are be worth it to the school. That outraged a lot of her students, and we even wrote petitions, but in the end, she got her demotion. Several of us even complained to administration, but we were informed that a big part of her job was bringing in research money--not teaching. Go figure. Remember--this was U of F back in about 1995--where Chas wants to go to school. I hear it's even worse now...

So, is 4-year school more worth it than community college? Think about it...

Well, . I'm from the old school. First thing he should do is marry you, and in so doing, assume the provision of your and the baby's very best interest. But, it seems that is just not important these days.

If he doesn't do that, in my opinion, you have two choices, and one of them is to have the baby without him involved except for child support.

But, they don't do things the old way now, so I can't help you, I guess.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! No matter what happens, take the time and effort to enjoy each day. It's a special time in a woman's life, unlike any other time; it deserves special recognition, and you deserve special care. Take the time out of give yourself the special care you deserve -- now matter who or what tries to intervene!

Also, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you experienced the loss of a son. It's got to be the hardest things for a loving mother to go through. By surviving this tragedy in your life, you have already shown your strength and endurance; you are probably stronger than you even know.

I agree with RobertG36's postings. He has a lot of very good points, and I'm glad you are open to them.

I don't know what I'd do in your situation, because I've never experienced the same. But I do know that I had a daughter at 41, and she's now almost 4 years old. When she was two and a half, her father (my husband) became extremely ill and almost died. At that time, and though he's stabilized since, I needed -- and still need -- the support of my family more than I can say. I live on the other side of the continent from them and, though they gave up a lot to help me through the crises, it's not the same as having family close by. Based on my experience, I'd say to never underestimate the support and care your family can provide you as you raise your child. When the chips are really down, it's family that comes through more than anyone else; they can support for the duration -- more than bringing a casserole or babysitting occasionally. May God never put you in a situation of needing your family so much; but if you do, may they be there for you, and may you be in a position to accept their help.

When I was younger, I thought that where I went to college was the be-all and end-all. I went to an ivy-leage school for my grad degree -- and it's gotten me the same teaching job that hundreds of those who went to the local colleges around here got -- and for the same pay they get. School location only matters if it matches the long-term goals; sometimes it's wasted.

The minute I gave birth to my daughter, both my husband and I found meaning in our lives that had never been there -- we didn't even know what we were missing. BF may not yet know the joy of experiencing fatherhood -- and may or may not be able to appreciate it once it's here. But if he can stay part of the child's life emotionally, it will make a huge difference in both of their lives. Maybe that's something he can think about.

I guess one big question to me would be whether or not he is able to contribute to the financial and emotional raising of your child together. Can he be devoted to the child in the ways a child needs, and still go to college far away right now? Tuition isn't cheap -- out-of-state tuition is even more. Does he have the means to both pay his own expenses and pitch in for the child's? And can he be a support if there is any crisis that needs financial and/or emotional support? Does he have the means to make sure that both you and the baby are insured so that you both get the best prenatal care? Could he do it if he's in town?
By conceiving, he's shown he's a male. Now he needs to look at hard decisions as a man -- and do what's in the best interest of all involved. And most important of all -- to do whatever is in the best interest of the baby, both short and long term.
Asking these questions isn't easy, but it is the responsible thing for both parents to do. To sit and think about all of this in the long term -- even if it needs a pastor or mediator or counselor to see the conversation through.
But no matter how it turns out -- just remember what a loving person you are. And celebrate you and your child!
Again, congratuations!