I am so sorry your having such a hard time. You have to remember that you are a lot stronger than you think you are! Despite everything you have still managed to keep others a priority. And that is a accomplishment in and of itself. You are a lot stronger that you think you are... That moment when you choose to help others instead of your self IS the " fight/that light or flame inside you". Your mind/depression and other people will try to blow that light out but don't let them. We all have a warrior inside of us! And you gotta own yours. Because the world is not a nice place all the time and sometimes you gotta kick some a** to get where to need to be. You are not alone. You may not see it right now..but you have hundreds of people on here who support you.

Never give up hope!

Mjay - tell your therapist everything. You need good honest therapy. Hiding or not disclosing everything will be a waste of your time and co-pay. I was the same way with my current therapist. I slowly dribbled out my story of pain. It took a lot of sessions to put together the full picture. My healing is less because of my non-disclosure. Disclose all to them. They won’t run away.

Mjay, in order to help you your psychiatrist needs to know all your problems. Like Thor, I didn’t tell my therapist everything because there was so much. He could not really start helping until everything came out.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can. Post often for the support you need. Hugs.

The psychiatrist will help you but it sounds like you need therapy as well. Is that a possibility?

Thank you all for your comments, yes, my loved ones, team and residents will always be my first priority. No matter how bad i have been feeling I’ve got up and gone to work. - my boss says I’m working too much. She is somewhat aware of my mh struggles as she spotted my arms one day when I was Doing a quick change from office clothes to uniform and she came back in the office (I had a T-shirt on under)
I always feel as though she’s going to think I’m incapable, or unstable and that it would affect my practice. I will not allow my mind to ruin my career as well as everything else. She has been very kind and understanding, but asked lots of questions and really wants to know why.
I am aware that I need to try and reveal everything, I had months worth of counselling last year and it took a very long time to even begin to open up, and just when we were getting somewhere, she had to break from practicing for her own health.

Is there any point in putting myself through the pain of talking about it? Facing it? Allowing something way in the past to haunt my present? - I know I should be able to snap out of it, move on and look forwards if only it were that easy

You’re right. I don’t know anyone who can just snap out of it. Talking about it and writing it over and over can desensitize you so it’s not so hard for you to face it every time it comes up, but you will never forget. I have been in therapy for a year and we are just at the beginning. My therapist told me my traumas mat take years of therapy before I can deal with all 6 of them. You’re doing the best you can. It is worth going to therapy, there are different ways to approach therapy EMDR, Meds, Group, etc. I hope you can find peace.

Thank you. I’m just tired of the pain inside.

Depression really saps our energy. I get it. I agree with the others. Your therapist is there to help you. S/he needs to know as much as possible in order to help you. Don't make him/her drag it out of you bit by bit over the next few months, because you end up suffering longer. You will make progress fastest if you are 100% open and honest. It takes them a while to analyze and form a treatment plan anyway. Don't make it take longer. You and/or your insurance are paying for that session. Get your money's worth. And don't be embarrassed. I assure you they have heard much worse.

I’m so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I know what it’s like to be afraid of everything and it takes all your strength just to get through the day. You’re not alone.

I got cut off earlier but I’d like to echo some of the other responses. Psychiatrists and therapists need to know as much as possible to help.