So I had a pretty bad weekend, but I went to my virtual support group and then to meditation the next day and felt a lot better.  I was not feeling so well Monday night and had a weird suspicion that it could be covid because of how run down I was.  I have been going to school fulltime and working part-time as a substitute teacher, so my income is much lower than when I was working fulltime.  As a result, I've been renting an Air B and B from my parents at a much lower rate than if I had an apartment, as this is what is in my student budget currently.

Well, here is the problem. My dad has a very bad temper and has hit me before.  He does not live here, but he does have a key seeing as they (my mom) owns the house.  Years back he showed up uninvited but was told not to do that, and I said I at least need 24 hour notice if something needs to be fixed, etc.  Therapists in the past have told me to move out. I know I should, I think it's just money that keeps me here.

Well this morning things didn't go as planned.  I set the alarm to see how I would feel, I woke up with a horrible sore throat. I later did in fact test positive for covid...I got my vaccinations and shots in 21 and 22, but did not get boosted this year so it's on me.  I was here totally asleep in bed this morning and all the sudden I was jolted awake my my doorbell...it kept ringing over and over and over...I panicked I thought someone was trying to break in.  I threw on my clothes and looked through the peephole...and guess what it was my dad, I have no idea WTH he was doing out there. I did not answer the door.  I thought maybe something happened to my mom. She was fine. I have a weird feeling he messed up the sprinkler system on purpose to invent a reason to come over and start something. He is extremely unpredictable and can turn on a dime. I actually had a restraining order on him years back. Both he and my brother are crazy.

My friend had a crazy ex-she broke into his house, so he helped me put in a Ring camera on the door-all of it is on camera. I keep everything locked including my bedroom door.  He has not done this in years and I have pretty much been no contact for years gesides paying the rent, but since my mom has been inviting me to get reintegrated with the family he suddenly is going to revert back to his old behavior. I really didn't trust the whole thing.

I know I need to move out. The question is how, on a student income, am I going to do that.  When I was working fulltime it was alright.  The reason I kept my studies a secret from them for six months was so they would not know I was here studying from the house.  I am sure that now that he knows that I am going to school online he is pulling this and trying to do a big power move.  I will not be able to join them for my moms birthday this weekend now that I am sick.  My parents are pretty old I don't have many more years with them, but I am thinking maybe I should revert back to no contact with them.  He beat me up so bad years back the cops had to come get me from the house when I was a teenager.

I did see an apartment for twice as much as what I am paying here, and got in touch with my grad student support group as I know they are always looking for roomates and to rent.  It would be very difficult on student wages, but I did do it in the 90s while I was getting my bachelors and living in an apartment-but expenses were a fraction of what they are now.

If I feel ok I will be meeting with my therapist remotely Thursday as I am sick.  I hate to be thrown into a crisis and didn't want to move in the middle of my school career, I was going to wait until graduation, but that may not be an option.  I just don't want to move somewhere that I can't ultimately afford and then get evicted.  Overall this is a pretty safe area and a nice house but this situation is awful and is probably the biggest cause of my depressive problems.  My dad has tried on many occasions in my life to sabotage whatever I am doing, and this is no different.  Maybe I should not have told them what I was doing after all. He's been very evil, a liar and backstabber as long as I've known him, doing whatever he can to ruin my relationships, situations, going out of my way to create problems.  I hate my dependence on them and want this situation over.  My current therapist thinks lving here is a smart financial move while my former therapist disagreed.  I'm beginning to think living here is pretty stupid, too.  I wonder if there is a way to afford higher rent and make this work.  I'm pretty sure my dad is pulling this now that I'm not working fulltime so he knows I have less money and he thinks I will be "stuck" here.

I did call the police today, and they made a paper trail of documentation but not a police report. They told me not to hesitate to call them at any time.  Also everything is caught on camera.  I have evidence that I've paid the rent I save the receipts. I'm very glad I didn't open the door.