Hi all. So I'm doing a little better today, but only a little.
A bit if background; I'm a 52 year old mother of 2 amazing daughters. Their ages are 27 and 25. My oldest lives in Seattle, about two hours away from me, my youngest lives in the Phoenix area. 14yrs ago, my father, whom I worshipped, died suddenly, a couple months later, I was in a car accident that left me disabled. I do ok most days, I live n pain pills to get around. It sucks. Almost 4 yrs ago my mom died. Since then I have lost so much weight. We finally have a diagnosis ( long, complicated story) of a rare intestinal disorder. It's taken all this time, so many Drs and frustration to get just to this point.
I am down to 98 pounds on a good day. I feel weak, no energy, tired. My boyfriend is amazing, but it's hard on him. Sex is a very rare thing between pain, stomach, oh and did I mention chronic headaches? We have a house mate that does not of the cleaning. The guys do the cooking, shopping, cleaning, etc. I sit here....
I have always had a wonderful relationship with my daughter's, yet the last year, things seem strained. I don't know why, and they are not telling me.
I am trying ( but having problems getting to energy) to start a Opal jewelry business. We do some small shows where we do well. I just can't seem to get going to get myself online. money has become a problem.
Yesterday, everything just came to a head for me. I can't clean my own damn house, I can't get my jewelry business going, my daughter's dont want to talk to me, and I can't even give my boyfriend sex. I felt, and still feel, so worthless. I honestly feel like there is nothing I am good for.
Then to top off the night my dog, who has had problems that I didn't, couldn't , take care of died. He had sores all over, but I did not have the strength to bath him as often as he needed. We didn't have the money for the vet. I didn't realize how bad it was till this last month.we were going to put him to sleep, but he died on his own in his sleep. I'm grateful for that. He was at home where he was so loved, warm, on his chair.
Now. I can't even help bury him. He's a big dog, and the area is to much for me. physically, Plus the emotional part. Especially after yesterday.
Like I said, I feel so useless and worthless. If it were not for my daughter's, I don't know if I would be here today. But I would NEVER do that to them no matter what. They have lost to much in there young lives, had to many painful things happen, I will not add that to it.
So I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thank God for my Boyfriend. 14 years together. He will be by my side when I am weak I know. He is standing by me for reasons I cannot imagine. Love is funny that way I guess.
All I can do is keep hoping the doctors will fix me, and that my energy and everything will come back and I can be useful and worth something again to someone.
Please pray to whatever high power, Deity, god, goddess you pray to.
Thank you. I too, will pray for all of you.
Seems rather quiet on this site lately and thought I'd start a discussion on the gifts that sobriety has brought into each of our lives. Yes, there are likely many, but if you could focus on just one to share it with the group I thought it might give hope to others and perhaps benefit the writer as well. Here's mine: the ability to endure hardships without alcohol. Over the decades that I...