I am the scapegoat in my family. they are all comfortable with this. something is changing where i am expected to take on responsibility for someone in the family and it will put me smack dab in the middle of this role again. I am just unable to do it again and if I don't, it will cause tremendous consequences. Someone in my family might even die. Even if I wanted to, I just can't. I feel guilty about it. But why am I always the one who has to break and take all the shit to make everything right? I have suffered horrible abuse at the hands of my father, brother and sister and my mother in her passivity and unwilingness to protect me has been complicit in the abuse. i try to get along, i try to help out but it's like i am just enabling all of them. i know, even if i make this strong stand, none of them will change and if fact I will lose my entire family. It's easy for someone on the outside to say "good riddance to them then" but it really isn't that simple. I guess i should call my therapist again. I hate her. but i don't have anyone else at this point to talk to. it's like i don't get along with anyone. why the hell am I even here? I can't find one healthy relationship in my life.
I need someone to talk to tonight. i'm not well. i'm suffering physically and mentally. i am being tortured and gas lighted by my family. would someone please caht with me a little bit. i need help
it feels so like irrelevant to write this because i don't really have any importance or meaning so i don't expect any comments but i just realized that i couldn't cry because whenever i cried in front of my family they always told me to just stop and eventually i would literally stop when they told me to stop because i guess i evolved into just believing my feelings are irrelevant even to myself