So as I've been going through therapy, I've had to reexamine all of my relationships and my career as well.  I have been ending/winding down a very long-term "friendship" with people that I thought were really my friends. They were like a second family (or so they said).  I spent Christmas and Easter over there for several years, and they left their door open becuase my family was/is dysfunctional.  Over time, I realized several people were talking behind my back and that people basically had ulterior motives, that they weren't really my friends at all. When they didn't get what they wanted from me, they cut me right off.  I'd known these people for ten years, and it was extremely disturbing, but I'm healing from it. I've pretty much put an end to that.

In therapy, and I've had a few therapists over time, and other outside supports even question my core group of girlfriends (different from the people above), who've I've long considered to be trustworthy and true friends. There has been some drama, but nothing serious like what I described above. Both my former therapists and an outside friend from a support group begged to differ, and thought that my girlfriends were really not that great after all.  I've had a lot of difficulty and conflict in my life, trouble with career, and dating has not been great. But seems to be the case for a lot of people these days.  I used to date a lot, however the pandemic really threw me off and I somehow dating just fell to the wayside.  I decided to try to pick it up again this summer. It's daunting as I get older. I feel like I almost have to apologize for trying to date as an older woman, like I'm doing something scandalous. I never got that feeling when I was young and dating a lot. Maybe it's the way society views older women. 

While we were at dinner lastnight for my birthday, I mentioned that I went out on a date. I just could not understand my friend's reaction. The look of disgust and revulsion was unmistakable. I just didn't know what to think.  I asked her about her reaction. You would have thought that she was eating something awful the way her face looked. I asked her what she was thinking. She said, "I thought you were done! I mean all these horror stories!"  I just got this bad feeling, like what does she think I am, some pathetic loser who no one would ever want to be with? Why is she so shocked that I'm dating, like what is the big deal?

I started to wonder if what my therapist and some other friends had said may have some reason for it. I know my friend really, really wanted me to marry her brother in law, who is a massive problem-he doesn't work and needs a green card, plus has a bad attitude/temper. So I wonder if there is some resentment here, because I wouldn't do it. The reason some of my other friends don't think she is a good friend is because they think that no person could be a true friend who would try to saddle someone else with a major problem like the brother in law.  They thought she was trying to offload him on me.  Therefore they think she was setting me up to be used. I don't think it's quite that deep, I think she just thought we should be a couple.

I had to wonder about her reaction, it just really made me question where I stood with her. It gave me an idea of her perception of me. It's true I haven't dated in about three years, the last time I did was in 2021 after lockdown let up, and the last time I had a relationship was in 2020 before the pandemic. The guy ended up being a narcissist, so I was kind of spooked.  I've dated some good guys and some questionable people.

The look on her face really startled me. I didn't expect it. I thought my friends would be happy for me. I was really surprised to see her reaction.