Believe me, you are not alone. I’m new on here, so I don’t know how i can leave my contact information. I would love to have some one to chat with to vent to or to be an ear. Sometimes just knowing that you are not alone helps.

boymom. My husband is exactly the same way. Unsure if you ever saw any of my posts.
It seems as if I am much older than you. But I pretty much lived my entire marriage with husband being quite a jerk actually. The difference between you and I now, I would assume from your post, is that both my kids are young adults. So as I ponder what to do after all these years, I don’t have to worry about “custody” or who my kids will end up with. I would probably be done with my husbands “act” but I do still worry how my kids will take it.
I also have no one to talk to so I post one DS alot. I do have a therapist though and speck with her.
There are people here who can help you. I may not be helpful but I understand completely.
My husband just did something earlier that I am steaming over.

Definitely post on DS. I hope you get responses to help.
I wish you the best.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through

Not really going to defend these husbands, but will try to help explain them. If he's playing videogames, he is likely somewhat overwhelmed and is trying to get away from the stress. Read Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus, women try to talk, ventilate, when stressed, men withdraw into their caves. He can't figure a way to solve life's problems and wants to escape to another world of videogames, perhaps where he is a little more powerful than in real life.

Certainly it makes sense to start working on independence, including financial. You may want to start gathering material about any bank accounts or other funds.

But you may want to read some books and try to work with him, at least in the short run. Compliment sandwiches still work, nice words at the beginning and end, and then some suggestions in the middle. Perhaps he can start working on discussing what is bothering him and how to solve problems. Money is not everything, I've had probably my best year financially and worst in marriage, just because of my wife's overwhelming stress and anxiety.

In terms of problems from a male perspective, wives can come in two groups. If you're having problems at work, your wife could say, you've been a valued member of the company for 14 years, you do an excellent job, every position has ups and downs and you can even work on improving some skills if you're a little worried. I love you and am sure everything will work out fine.
Or you can hear, what, what, oh no, you know we have a tuition payment coming in a year and you promised, you promised that we were going to talk about redoing the kitchen, I cannot believe you're telling me this now, and the husband says, I'm not making this mistake again, whatever problem I have, I need to solve it alone, telling her just made things 50 times worse.

There is a nice group of people here, they provide some reasonable suggestions, so I wish you good luck. Perhaps your husband needs counseling, (pretty much everyone does) and he can work on some constructive ways of solving problems. Curious, do your boys talk about dad, do they do things together.

Not really going to defend these husbands, but will try to help explain them. If he's playing videogames, he is likely somewhat overwhelmed and is trying to get away from the stress. Read Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus, women try to talk, ventilate, when stressed, men withdraw into their caves. He can't figure a way to solve life's problems and wants to escape to another world of videogames, perhaps where he is a little more powerful than in real life.

Certainly it makes sense to start working on independence, including financial. You may want to start gathering material about any bank accounts or other funds.

But you may want to read some books and try to work with him, at least in the short run. Compliment sandwiches still work, nice words at the beginning and end, and then some suggestions in the middle. Perhaps he can start working on discussing what is bothering him and how to solve problems. Money is not everything, I've had probably my best year financially and worst in marriage, just because of my wife's overwhelming stress and anxiety.

In terms of problems from a male perspective, wives can come in two groups. If you're having problems at work, your wife could say, you've been a valued member of the company for 14 years, you do an excellent job, every position has ups and downs and you can even work on improving some skills if you're a little worried. I love you and am sure everything will work out fine.
Or you can hear, what, what, oh no, you know we have a tuition payment coming in a year and you promised, you promised that we were going to talk about redoing the kitchen, I cannot believe you're telling me this now, and the husband says, I'm not making this mistake again, whatever problem I have, I need to solve it alone, telling her just made things 50 times worse.

There is a nice group of people here, they provide some reasonable suggestions, so I wish you good luck. Perhaps your husband needs counseling, (pretty much everyone does) and he can work on some constructive ways of solving problems. Curious, do your boys talk about dad, do they do things together.

While I not in this situation anymore. I was. Finances were a big stressor and concern. I kinda planned for a while before leaving and just got to the point it didn’t matter I make die with whatever. My ex was controlling. Barely helped with kids. I did try for long time but it wasn’t worth it as I go through therapy so wish I had left so long before I did.

Thanks everybody for your responses. It feels good to know I’m not alone

Financial problems can be a big stressor in life; there is a big difference between having constant problems with bills, loss of job, and dislocation and having the comfort of paid bills; there is less of a difference between earning a reasonable income and being higher income.

If someone is not earning a decent living, you are entitled to ask questions, but in hopefully a constructive way. Asking when are you going to get another job, and we need to pay a, b, c, and then this, can lead to a lying, depression, and anger syndrome with little solved. Of course, leaving is one solution.

Personally I had ADHD and disorganization. Ultimately I developed a system, nothing particularly earthshattering, but I compiled a list of suggestions, and when I made a mistake, evaluated how I could have done better and what systems could have improved the result. Improvement was not immediate but it came. and I achieved some fair success, though unfortunately my wife developed severe anxiety unexpectedly after 30 years of marriage.

You want to be constructive. You may decide not to pay credit card bills, or reject proposed rate increases (which can be done). Ideally, you want your spouse to develop the ability discuss financial issues in a constructive fashion, figure ways of increasing income, and begin solving problems. On your end, you want the discussion to be constructive, not critical.

As an analogy, I run a business with several employees and due to the nature, of it, mistakes can be made, at least choices which may not meet the a customer's needs. Rather than criticize my employees, frequently I let things go, and other times, discuss where we went wrong, and review improvements to our procedure. I'm not interested in long defenses of why it is not my fault from an employee, but discussion of if and how we can improve, and I think we are.

In any case, I sympathize with you, financial issues are a big stressor in life.

Sounds like you have a plan. Good for you! The best website to find jobs is www.Indeed.com. you probably know that. I have used www.monster.com and found a job but that was almost 20 years ago. I feel bad for you. Just take it day by day and you will get away from your husband. I lived with an abusive man. I had promised myself that I would never put up with that. My father was abusive to my mother. I got out of that relationship and got a second job which I loved. I suddenly got the will power to diet and lost 31 pounds. You will feel so good when you get out.

I just want to say, good luck with finding a job which I think would be huge step for you in moving forward with leaving this person. I agree, I bet you'll feel a lot better when you leave or even just knowing your have a plan to leave and taking those steps might help.