Hi,

I am having a concern and was wondering if ppl could give some objective feedback? It's not a depression issue per se, but it is confusing.

I got a new job which seems to be going ok and started to develop feelings and a crush on my supervisor.  I dealt with it by telling myself that it will pass and that he is attractive and a very nice man, but he is married and my supervisor, so I put it aside to the best of my ability and focused on my work.  I told myself with my rational mind, "you will get over this, it's inappropriate and it will pass."  I thought the whole thing was "about me."

I think I may have a problem, as I realized yesterday the feelings are not one-sided and I got some clarity. I can see how he feels about me and it scares me to death.  Scares me to death because I am intensely attracted to him and even when he gets close my heart races like crazy. I force myself to keep it together and just do what I am paid to do. I answer his questions and do the tasks that he wants (not well yet though cause I'm learning).  It sucks to struggle with the nerves but that's  the way it is.

Now I'm more worried because I realize what is actually happening-I am responding to the energy I am picking up from him.  I was going back and forth in my mind wracking my brain trying to figure out, "why does he come to find the time to talk with me about stupid irrelevant garbage?" It feels like he is flirting, and the other thing, he looks and looks and looks at me. Not watching like a supervisor, but he is taking me in and checking me out. In the manner in which men have pursued me before.  I thought, "I'm going crazy, this is not happening, I am a silly girl (woman) who is lonely and needs attention." But apparently I'm not the only one. I was minding my business yesterday and looked up and caught him pretty much fixated.  He was not attending to the task at hand as he was distracted by me! And when he saw me catch him, I could really see the guilt in his face. He knew he was caught and tried to hide his face and turn away but frankly he was busted. 

He's not creepy and he doesn't do anything inappropriate. He is very respectful and professional and not "weird." But I can see how he feels, now, which apparently he is trying to hide, just not well. I like him but I realize the ridiculousness of it. I don't understand. I would think if you are married/monogamous and in love, wouldn't you just not notice other people? I don't know. I suppose this could sound  narcissistic, whatever, it's what I saw and recognized though. I don't know him well, I just hope that one day he doesn't try to do something about it. If it were a different situation where he was NOT TAKEN and NOT my superior, I would love to be with someone as kind and sweet and beautiful as him. Basically I will be looking for these qualities in SOMEONE ELSE. But wtf am I going to do if he keeps this up and it gains momentum and he doesn't let it go and goes from looking and  thinking to acting on it? It will be very difficult, I have my own issues and fall under the sway of manipulative and attractive men easily. How will I maintain the boundary and not alienate him? I am not mad at him and I don't have bad feelings toward him, nor do I blame him just for thinking or feeling something, but if it turns into action on his part this could be a complicated mess. It seems silly for a supervisor to be infatuated with a subordinate, or obviously attracted to them, sorry, but true.