Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
So recently, ever since I've experienced severe anxiety and panic attacks I freaked the fuck out and thought I was losing my shit. I thought this was it. I'm packing my bags and I'm gonna be dressed and ready because they're gonna send me to a mental institution in a stercher... with a straight jacket on; So farewell old life. It was nice knowing you but I am a mad man now, so I've gotta go.
At the beginning of these attacks my depersonalized thoughts deepened and I felt so alone. I reached out to my mom being that I was too embarrassed to tell anybody else. I felt people were gonna think I was crazy, as if I didn't already think it myself. My mom, bless her, was very unaware of mental illnesses. Her choice in words of encouragement seemed more like cruel insults. I was in a very emotional and fragile state. I was reading a lot of stories from people who said they hadn't recovered and wanted to die. I was also reading into too much of the bullshit "facts" on WebMD.com. Hi hypochondria! I pretty much feasted my eyes on more depression, more uncertainty and more fear. This might also be known as "Stage 1" to us members of the "mental illness society.
My mom and I haven't had the merriest relationship in the past few years and surprisingly she's more stubborn than me. Do you know somebody who always has to have the last word in an argument? If you thought yes, I beg to differ. Unless of course you've met my mom. It seemed as if she was intentionally trying to misunderstand me and blame me for my own conditions; because of course this is exactly what I need in my life right now. She then complained about me asking her for a little more support. I usually get calls and texts from her everyday of the week but for some reason that week of my sudden attacks she was MIA. I was done trying to vent to somebody who obviosuly didn't know the definition of listening and understanding.
Through these challenging weeks, I really hadn't had anybody to console me. Nobody I personally knew thoroughly understood my severe agony. I knew at this point, the only person on my team and the only person that could truly help me is... Me. That's right. Through the lightheaded dizziness, the delirious state, the trembling stomach and the ongoing futile, depressive thoughts I used me. I was fucking tired of panicking. No seriously. I was fucking tired.
I changed my mindset a bit. I refused medication. I did say yes to therapy. Instead of watching videos on how to control panic attacks and anxiety, I dug deeper. It just wasn't enough. I started watching and reading about happiness. And what it truly meant and how to achieve it. I also watched videos on fearlessness and how to tackle every obstacle that poses as a threat to my mind; And then videos on goals, the brain, how to form new habits to replace old ones. I then realized it was time to take action. I was thinking about all the right things but I wasn't doing. So I changed my behavior.
It's been weeks since I've spoken to my mom. However, since our last dispute I've grown a bit. I've actually learned a lot as well. I don't hate my mom and I know she doesn't hate me. I just wish she seen things the way I did so we can stop bickering. Was that too narcissistic? I guess she wouldn't truly be my mom if she understood me 24/7; Vice versa. So today I decided to turn over a new leaf. I reached out to her. We rejoiced. I've been learning it's better to let go and just be happy. Reread that last sentence please. She reassured me that she's always got my back and will help me figure out every hardship I encounter. As stubborn as I wanted to be, I let my guard down and I accepted. It almost felt as though cranes were hooking onto the bricks that were weighing down my shoulder and then uplifted them.
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Everyday I feel more and more sick. Being in pain every day, I've learned to disguise it. So well that others don't believe my pain when I speak of it. Needing help but only receiving negative responses, I find my way but pay for it later. I absolutely need the rest but there's pressing things to be done.
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Ugh my depression is really being triggered by the grief of losing my mom. Ugh it sucks. I wish this pain would leave me already.
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From our own perspective we always believe ourselves. This is a giant error. We're often wrong. If you didn't have a mother prepared to argue with you then you wouldn't have a mother at all. Mothers aren't there to tell you what you want to hear. They're there to try and tell you the truth.
The thing about this generation is that they're fed an enormous amount of crap about what the world owes them, and what everyone should do for them, and how much it sucks to be them. But this is not true. the reality is that if cave man can get over his emotional upsets then you can too. You're right when you come to the conclusion that you have to drive this. You do. it's your bus. so you drive it and don't ask others to. Don't ask others to prop you up. Prop yourself up.
people can't keep themselves standing, keep paying the bills, and pour all energy into the bottomless pit that is a depression sufferer. There isn't the spare energy. Sounds like mum has been trying with the daily phone calls - but you can't squeeze someone dry and expect there to be more left in the tube.
So the depression sufferer has to own their own problem and fix it themselves. Doing that is part of growing up and putting the pressure on you to force it is part of parenting.
Today Josh has a very good friend/girlfriend, has been cancer free for two years, is going to the prom in May, is getting A's and B's in school, and says that the days of being depressed and suicidal are "very far and few between." He might also be getting a job/internship for the summer.
So as far as listening to him and trying to understand him? From where I am sitting I would say it was the least I could do.
Are you on dailystrength.org because of Josh or have/are you battling any mental illness yourself?