Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Looking for advice or any info wirh what you have experienced... I'm just lost. I'm sorry.
just joined this site tonight because of another fight .. I use that term loosely because it wasn't really two way, just mainly him going off. They are happening much more often lately. At first I would get so defensive, hurt, disbelief and then so angry and we'd end up fighting. Yelling bad, etc. This time I'm just watching it, like in third person... Watching him blow up, accuse, then blame me, and him tell me I'm being calm just for a show. That I'm trying to make him lose it, etc. I was asking for us not to argue. But I'm just trying to seem perfect and make him the bad guy he says. And now I'm laying here crying, because I feel like the safe place I had with my man is gone. The things he says and accuses me of are so off the wall. I know he's under a lot of work stress, he's so miserable where he is, and we've had to deal w a lot of family stress too, theres some money stress but moreso on he wishes he were doing better but in reality we are not broke, have some savings, do well and are not materialistic people, but he's hard on himself. He has admitted in the past of accusing me of the pressure and guilt, when in reality he knows i'm not and it's pressure he had created. He's admitted when he's not angry that he may be depressed. But the smallest things set him off, and then all the blame comes and I don't know who he is anymore. And it's happening more often, like a couple times a month, and the strain lasts for days. I don't feel close to him after the blow ups, I admit I avoid him the rest of the day, I'm hurt and stressed and just want calm, which makes him even more mad and hurt and he slams doors, or randomly says rude stuff, which pushes me further away..this can go own for days, I know I'm.wrong too, I just want to avoid drama and fighting but I know it makes it worse. And he gets more mad and accuses me of more stuff. It's a horrible cycle. It breaks my heart. Like bad. I'm crushed. But yeah I wonder if things will ever feel warm and safe again, or loving and comfortable. When it's, good it's soooo good. Married almost 15 years, and when things are good, it's the best I could ever imagine. He's caring and attentive, complimentary, he has such fierce loyalty. He had seemed more distant lately though the past 6 months.. But I knew the work stress is a big cause. And teenage stress causes lack of time for us. Regardless I always know he loves me. But when its bad I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. Its lonely and horrible to hear someone you love assume all sorts of stuff about you. And just go off on all sorts of negative stuff about himself, and about how you're the cause.... It's confusing, Werent we just having an amazing date night a couple nights ago... I don't understand how there's so much negativity, so much attack.. Over carpet, or Christmas decorations... Like we are having a casual conversation and we are good, like hanging out having fun, and apparently I say something that literally pisses him off and it goes 180.... How? And when the blow up is over, he's mopey, dragging, sad for days... But it's mixed with slamming doors and comments so I stay away.
Is this depression? I thought depression was more sad, lethargic, more negativity than motivation.... This anger....?? Is this a part of it for real? This is so hurtful. Its like everything he is stressed or feels he has no control over comes out at me. I love him so much and would never intentionally say anything to hurry himor make him feel used.... But he interprets so many things as personal attacks or put downs, its like he's looking for me to disapprove of him and then he lashes out.
What do I do? He says he's handling his depression with vyvance. He is not seeing anyone, mainly because when he's angry its all my fault so why would he need to go. And he also says he's seen counselors in the past...hence the add diagnosis and vyvance. So he doesn't need to go again.
If anyone read this... Thank you. I know it was long. :( I'm new here reading alot tho and trying to find the right place to post.
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I invited Bill to have dinner with me last Sunday. He wasn't willing to drive 7 hours to mid Michigan and teased me with his beautiful ribs!!! So, of course I ate alone and had cedar salmon
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
If you don't mind me asking, what things did you say to your husband, like in general, I don't understand this side of depression and it helps know others experience.
After my husband sort help and I realized he wasn't up for such abuse, and it was abuse. I sort of stopped with the constant berating him as He would stand his ground and ignore my outbursts.
Then shortly after I was admitted to a hospital where I took the medicines on offer. My husband stood by me for 4 admissions to hospital and when I finally came out I was stable and calm.
I am not saying your husband needs hospital treatment but he does need to see someone and maybe have his meds reviewed. I am also pretty sure there are books around for partners who's Significant other has mental health issues.
Maybe if you see a doctor yourself they can put you in touch with someone with that knowledge.
I will be on line until 9am GMT if you need to talk further.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Depression-cope-partner-depressed/dp/1905410611
Carolin- Thank you so much. Really. That helps a lot, just having someone relate. He does say very similar things, like he wasn't this way before, he met me, I'm the cause, etc which is weird because he literally treats me like a princess when things are good, brags about me to the kids and his friends, just appreciates me and I appreciate him, why are all the bad thoughts there? And so quickly? Like he can't even talk calmly when unloading... I can take constructive criticism or talks about how something makes someone feel without feeling defensive.. . But bottling it up and unloading acting like I did something calculated to hurt him.... He actually told me he thinks I took notes the last time he broke down w me and am trying to hurt him now... Its weird and I would never want to hurt him.. Its like he's mad at so many other things and I'm the closest body. Last time, 4 weeks ago, he did totally break down and admit all the stuff he's said is horrible and untrue and projected from inside him and he realized he will have to earn my trust back... That's when he said depression. And four weeks later here we are again?
Btw your husband sounds strong and and seems like he truly loves you. Having been thru that your bond has got to be incredible. :)
My husband is a social being and was able to talk to friends, who urged him to seek more help. You could speak to a good friend and at least off load, otherwise you'll find a listening ear here.
I was not keen on receiving help as I thought it was everyone else's fault I was unable to cope.
But was open to a calm discussion with my husband who refused after help to be drawn into my anger. It turned out that I was bi polar with a little paranoia mixed in.
I would read up as much as you can, and take professional advice. You can overcome this I am sure if you and your husband can work together.
I tend to avoid drama and hurt, I've had far too much in my life, So I shut down and distract myself w other things. But I guess I could do something differently. And I definitely wont engage in the anger w him, I'll help set new patterns somehow. Seeing it like this makes it less heartbreaking. Thanks Carolin, I really needed you tonight, thanks for reaching out and being so honest. I looked up that book too and read all reviews, seems like a book I could use, I'll order it.
How in control of his functioning do you think he is when he's like this? Because if he's not in control, you can't really blame him nor even take it personally. It's like tourettes. But if you feel he's sane when he does it, that's another issue entirely. I would ask myself bottom line: does he love me? and stack things up behind that.
I had a nervous breakdown a few years ago, and I wonder if he's having something similar because I was unable to stop myself saying things that later I would know full well were unfair. I had to distance myself from the people I was capable of hurting. You say that when it's good it's wonderful. Tell me: does he apologise later for what he says? Does he come back to himself?
If he's apologising later, then I'd do what I could to get him help, because he's crashing and burning, and 15 years is worth something.
If he's not, you need to know why. I think once you know what his 'not nutty' thoughts are, regardless of whatever is coming out during one of his episodes, I think that'll give you a better idea of what to do. I also think you need to talk to him when he's calm about how you are handling him when he's off his rocker. And how hard that is on you. And how maybe he needs to start writing some stuff down.
I don't know about this drug he's on, but it could easily be doing something to him as well. Psychoactive drugs have side effects.
He loves me fiercely, I don't doubt that, but he gets so mad when he doubts, me, which is becoming often, and so off the wall. He does apologize later for most things said., he truly means it, he admits he has anger issues, apparently used to be much worse before me. But I can mainly say this usually all stems from something he thinks I meant or implied in casual conversation, or he assumes what I'm thinking... Stuff I never thought or ever said. I guess that's that paranoia. That's a hard one to battle because I'm immediately defensive and that's when its fighting... This time I didn't do that, and I said I know you don't mean what you are saying right now, I don't want us to fight, etc etc. That pissed. him off too.
I do not feel he's in control. We don't have calm conversations about things that bother us. It's just jump attack. And usually that involves a list of things he's assumed, read into or don't make sense, the root,of a prob could,be legit and I want to acknowledge but the presentation and rudeness, the assumptions and, blame and anger, pushes me away. I think he does feel good, like validated, when he's saying the things, like you said, but it's as if he's, creating extra issues so he can have control over something... I wish I knew how to get him to talk and not attack But I honestly have little respect/patience for the hurt and just want to hide or run away!
And he needs counselling because you are not his punching bag. He needs counselling and he needs a decent diagnosis. Anxiety triggers a person into reactions where they say things they regret and that aren't fair.
But he has to be able to learn. Anyone can be paranoid. Anyone can accuse the moment they dream something up. You can ditch this guy and find anyone out there who'll do that.
If he wants to be special in your eyes, he has to NOT do that.
I'm getting terrible white trash vibes. Just because a person has anxiety doesn't mean they're allowed to bully their spouse. Next time he goes on the attack, say "gee, why don't you tell me what you really think" and watch him go off the deep end. But he might get some of this out.