Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Tonight I am feeling angry at myself and feeling very guilty...
Why You may ask....Because my dad is in the hospital (ER).
The nursing home said over the past few days said that he has been very "off" and even more lethargic than normal. Aparently he laid his down and they couldn't wake him until they used pain techniques (pinching i think) to get him to stir. I think the pinching technique is used primarily to see if there is any response left in an individual to help assess how far gone they are. He did stir at that but he is getting worse and worse and i know he is going to pass soon.
But i feel guilty...
I'm mad at myself because at this point I almost feel it would be better for him if he did pass away. I know he can't be happy at the nursing home and I see how far his mind has gone. This is a man who could fix almost anything you put in front of him. He was inteligent in that way and very talented at most things. He could take a plot of land and build homes on it by himself... good homes. He could strip a car down to it's bare components and rebuild it better than the manufacturer did when they first put it together. He was a pilot when he was younger (he served in the airforce as a cargo pilot). He was the type of person who always needed something to work on and i know it kills him to not be able to understand who people are or why he can't fix things or have tools...he didn't even really know me or my brothe the last time we visited.
I keep thinking back to all the projects we used to do together. He taught me so many things. Thanks to him i know how to put elecrical throughout a house. Put new plumbing in if needed. He even taught me how to drywal but i'm not that good at it. I tend to suck at the finish work i can hang it fine but i'm not good with the mudding. He also taught me how to repair cars (well i still have problems with trannies but i'm trying) which has saved the family probably tens of thousands of dollars in labor over the past 15 years.
I can now also strip guns down and do most repairs to them as well plus target shooting isn't nearly as expensive now since i can basically reload my old rounds and know how to safely level the loads so people don't end up blowing the guns up (NO HOT LOADS).
I wish he could have taught me to fly but he sold his planes years ago.
He and my brother were not very close because all dad ever did was work. Even when i visited him the visits consited of helping him with his projects or farm work. My brother didn't understand this and since my brother couldn't do the physical stuff like me and dad they didn't get along.
but is still feel guilty.. and angry.. and i miss him and i love him so very much.
This is my favorite picture of him. It is him and mom breaking bread after 25 years i want to say.
I don't know if god is going to pull him back home yet...i still don't know what is going on. I just hope i have enough time to be able to drive the many hour trip so he isn't alone when he does pass.
I love you dad....
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
I took care of my father till the end, and Dad never went into a home as this was his wish. My father died in the hospital as our family hoped that the doctors might intervened to save his life, but they refused to.
Go and be with your father, and speak to him even though he is unconscious as he can hear you. Patients nearing death often have one last moment of clarity where they become conscious or may sit up and converse with family one last time to say good bye. I think this is the last grace from God. Go and say your good byes, and make peace with your brother so to make your Dad happy.
But sometimes despite of all the farewells, some patients would miraculously recover. Pray to God sincerely and ask him for a miracle. Take care, and I pray to God that your father will recover.
For over a year we went through similar situations where it seemed like it was the end and then my mom would rally. This happened on and off until it was truly the end. It is very common, for that to happen, and it is exhausting and confusing.
If I can offer anything, this is the time to try to make peace within yourself, to let yourself off the hook and be ok with just doing the best you can. Say everything you want to say to your dad, even if you can’t say it directly to him. And yes, it’s ok to grieve the loss of the person you once knew. In fact that grieving actually makes it easier to embrace who they are now and eventually let go. I totally understand questioning yourself.
I think what helped me most was just trying to keep my mom comfortable. We were fortunate we did not have to put my mom in a nursing home because my brother and his family chose to be her caretakers. Most families do not have the ability to provide that kind of care. My brother and his wife had jobs that were not traditional 9-5 jobs. If they were, they could not have handled her care as it was a full time job in and of itself. Eventually we had to hire home health care because her needs were so great. Again, not everyone is in a position to hire care. If we had to have transitioned her to a nursing home because we could no longer manage her care, we would have done so because it simply is sometimes the only option that makes sense. So I hope you don’t beat yourself up over that. You are doing what makes sense for you, your dad and your family.
You are a good son. Your dad would be proud of how much you care and worry for him. I think being realistic about the inevitable can sometimes help release all the pent up anxiety and guilt, and that just means there is more room for love, peace and gratitude.