I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. I hope you were able to share with your psychiatrist how you were feeling. It sounds like you really need to get some help so you can get through this, please keep reaching out.

I have had many similar feelings. You can get through this, you know what you need to do...just take the steps to do it....little steps- maybe start working part time, just to get the ball rolling, do something simple, low stress, low responsibility.
Take care
(((((hugs)))))

Just an update. I just spent a fortune on a doctor's visit and the person turned out to be worthless. I felt even less hope than when I went in there and feel like an idiot for spending that much money. I had no way of knowing but I guess that's the risk you take. Right now I am seriously considering visiting the gun dealer down the street because I can honestly see no way out of this. It's not the conclusion I had hoped for, but as time goes on it really seems like my only option. I feel completely demoralized, defeated, intense despair, out of control anxiety, uncontrollable crying, etc. If anyone happens to know of a good place to go for depression treatment in the southern California area, please let me know.

Hi! Please don't buy a gun. That's a one-way ticket to nowhere. Like they say, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Now, I know you said you've battled severe depression for many years, but I know there is hope, and you CAN get better.

I think it was really smart of you to go to the psychiatrist. Don't berate yourself for doing so. It sucks that it's expensive, but that's the society we live in, unfortunately. But going to the shrink was one of the sanest, most logical and smartest things you could do. Believe me, I understand how frustrating it is to get a bad one. But there ARE good ones out there! Unfortunately, we just have to keep searching for one.

You just can't give up on yourself. You're in a sucky situation, but suicide is not your only option. I had to break ties with my brother (one of my only two living relatives) because he was so toxic. It hurt, but sometimes you just have to do it. Be proud of yourself for coming to that decision; it's not easy.

Once you get better, you can decide if you want any contact with any of your family. Right now, just take care of YOU, without guilt. Do you have a GP? Can you get meds, are you willing to try them? If you haven't yet, I think it's a really good idea to keep you off the ledge, so to speak.

I'm in No. Calif., so I don't know depression treatment centers in SoCal. But you can always call a hospital or clinic or crisis line; please do that, at least. You are needed here.

Message me if you feel like talking .... {{{hugs}}}}

I'm sorry that the dr appointment didn't go well, but please don't let that make you give up. You have to keep trying other treatments, and know that each day can be a new day. I felt like dying for a while but now I am so glad that you didn't act on any of my thoughts. Things really can get better, but you have to keep holding on. Are you doing any therapy right now? That's been as helpful for me as meds.

It sounds like counseling is more of an answer for you. Dr's don't take the time to find the root cause of depression. They dish out drugs which is a temporary solution.
If you are in a toxic situation....you need support....an 3rd party can give you so much more insight.
Your local health dept should be able to help with low cost counseling too.
Sending prayers in your direction.

Lately I've been battling suicidal thoughts & using chats online to ease the temptation. Here are a few links to talk through the issue whenever you feel you need venting:
http://www.newhopenow.org/counseling/liveperson.html
http://www.crisischat.org/chat
http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
I hope you catch anyone of those at the right hour. Maybe google crisis chats if those don't work out for you. Do your research & please do use your resources.

I always wish or expect more out of psychiatrists, therapists, counselors. & People always say the same one liners about suicide when you mention being suicidal. It's so easy to feel hopeless. I've attempt suicide twice, gone through the whole process of going in & out of a hospital both times & I'm only 19. I've thought up all the different ways I could do it before too, people always have so much time to think...

My best advice is to get creative, find friends & make a buddy system with friends or DS friends that you could talk to when your feeling you want to do damage to yourself. Start writing down your feelings. I have one friend that I confide in, paragraph long emails about my problems at the moment & she listens. Find a passion or take up a hobby & focus your energy on that & less on all the negativity that is in your family life. Do something to better yourself please. I truly care & am worried about you. Feel better soon.

Since you are out of work , there are usually county programs that offer therapy , counseling , free or discounted meds , etc... Look into that , instead of spending money you don't have. The gun is a waste of money. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." It is true. I , too have been battling severe bouts of depression since I was a teen and earlier. I am now 35 years old and can totally relate. I was in a relationship a few years ago in which I was surrounded by TOXIC people. We were staying with my girlfriend's family and there were like 10-12 people living there at the time. All of which were TOXIC.

That makes it hard. I know. Tell yourself you are going to make it through today. That's all. Take this shitty day and deal with it and it alone. Even as tough as that sounds. DO NOT GET A GUN. I REPEAT DO NOT GET A GUN.

Each person's perspective is their own but remember when we are being riddled with depressive thoughts , we are not thinking clear. Good luck. God bless.