Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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Losing control

marglaw
marglaw

Hi everyone, 


I am new to this group. I have dealt with depression my entire life. It stems from my father being sick with leukemia as a child. I was around a lot of illness and death and it has stayed with me my entire life. As a teen, I was diagnosed with anorexia and self mutiluated. Fast forward, now at 30, married, 2 dogs, no kids, I feel like from the outside looking in, it probably appears I have it all together, but my mind says otherwise. I have never felt more alone and out of control...I am constantly at war with myself and my mind. I have always thought about suicide, but never contemplated it. I find myself wondering where in my house I would do it, how I would do it, if there was a support strong enough to hang myself from. It scares me because although I have always wished I would die, I have never thought about actually doing it myself. The only thing I feel like that keeps me here is my absolute love for my dogs. As far as my family goes, I sometimes feel like they'd be better off without me, especially my husband. I am exhausted feeling this way. I never thought I would make it to 30, and I can't imagine going through another 30 years feeling so emotionally and mentally drained. I just feel like I don't belong here. I feel out of place. I have gotten help before, but nothing seems to work long term. I don't want to go on medication either, but know that I maybe should. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I know life is a gift, and I want to embrace and enjoy it. 

sherilynn
sherilynn
I’m truly sorry you are feeling this way. I feel the exact same. I also have been fighting with depression and bipolar disorder. Iv been through treatment centers therapy and now I have turned to the lord!! Yesterday was my first post! Yea lonely depressed but I have found that the people on this sight have sent me messages and hugs that I never thought I would be taken seriously. Today because of people I don’t even know really care. I care for your well being. I have been there you are loved and appreciated I love you
marglaw
marglaw
Thank you for your kind words, Sherilynn. I too have contemplated turning to God. I was raised Catholic and unfortunately given everything that has happened within the church, I have a hard time finding the strength to turn back to it. I have found a universal Unitarian Church I would love to check out. Maybe it is time to finally do so. I know depression is an illness, and I know so many suffer from it and I'm not alone. I guess I just thought with age it would get easier...unfortunately, it seems to only get worse. Why is it that the ones suffering from mental illness seem to feel the most for others? At times, I feel like it's not just my problems that get me down...but that the weight and sadness of the world seems to flow right through me too. Please know that you are loved and understood by me as well. I feel for anyone who is at war with themselves.
SimpsonsOK
SimpsonsOK
Marglaw, echo the above reply. You are right to be alarmed that you are looking at a means of ending things. It is time to reach out for help. You might want to do a search on HSPs. Highly Sensitive People. They estimate 20% of people come under this heading. I found a quiz and a list of characteristics. Explained a lot of the comments family had made to/about me about being too sensitive or overreacting. We grow up and get good at pretending we're OK, while keeping all the feelings inside. We need you here. This DS lifeboat let's us give and get support, share tools, and keep each other afloat through the rough times. Calming and comforting hugs.
Sabrina
Sabrina
Life is indeed a gift. Even on the days it doesn't seem like it. I'm so glad you have your dogs. Pets give unconditional love whereas humans don't always. Hugs to you
AnnieToman
AnnieToman
today it seems i need to use my intuition more. you may be suffering from depression for a simulair reason i did. i lost my mother at a very young age, i was a toddler, i suffered depression my first time at age seven, it was very severe, i totaly lost it, was not present in school even tho my body was there i wasnt. i had to repeat the second grade, i didnt pass any courses that year. it was all about death. when my mother died i was to young to know what death was and what it meant. at seven i finally realized my mother was not coming back and i missed her dearly. so here is what was the beginning of a long seris of depressions that i never fully understood until i was nearly 50 years old.since i never had any counsiling on my mothers death i had this primative childish belief that every one i ever truly love would always leave me and i was unlove able. it always happened and i never found love until my mid fiftys, even tho i got married at thirty i could never alow my self to truly love my wife. and she did leave me as planned and took my children that i have not seen in almost 20 years. So having death mean something to you at a very young age can leave hidden beliefs that only a child understands. my belie you have a very similair one like mine was its just so very hard to talk to the child within you to understand what she is telling you. you must remember what it was like to be a child again. GOOD LUCK hope i helped, i tried.
marglaw
marglaw
Thanks, Annie. I know for certain it is from my father's illness. At the time, my dad once he was in remission got involved with volunteering and counseling other patients. Through that I met my childhood best friend, who ended up passing away when we were 12. Around that time, I also lost my grandfather (who helped care for me during my dad's illness.) We met other families along the way dealing with cancer, and some didn't make it. It was just too much for me to take. I believe my parents thought that giving back was therapeutic, but for me, it made me question life, God, and more importantly it made me so completely fearful of losing the people I love. About a year ago I found out my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and my anxiety and depression has sky rocketed. I do feel like I have PTSD from all of this, but I would have thought that at 30 I would be more understanding of death. It still scares me as much as it did as a child though.
volcano63
volcano63
I'm so glad you have the dogs. I think they are angels with fur. Perhaps it would do you good to try medication again. Hugs.
strongandsilent
strongandsilent
Lots of good responses here.

I just want to tell you that your family is NOT better off without you. I journied this path with my husband, and now my daughter suffering depression. Is it hard? Of course because I love them and want to see them happy.... so, hard to see them struggling. But it in NO WAY would it it better without them. Their death would eviscerate me. A part of my heart gone forever.

Your family loves You and are better off with you in their lives! Good luck!!
niclear
niclear
I am so sorry to hear this. I have struggled with anxiety/depression, as well. It feels so horrible and feels like there is no way out of it. When I felt so awful that I couldn’t stand it, I went to a counselor. It felt good to talk to someone that wasn’t family, so I didn’t feel like I was always burdening them with my thoughts and crying. I also go ton medication, even though I was so against it and it really helped reset me. It wasn’t a cure all, but it really did help me to feel better. Also, even though I felt like God couldn’t hear me, I prayed a lot and I have seen Him work through all the pain. Have you considered a different counselor or a support group?