Suicidal thoughts come in waves. So we do get days we are fine. Just when down it's hard to see the light at the end of tunnel sometimes. Hang in there and keep reaching out and venting as much as you can.

I don't have answers, I've been suicidal most of my life.

I've never experienced happiness. I wish I could say different.

I have attempted suicide...twice...NEVER dot his please?

Here are some reasons from a DS member named Beaumont:

Reasons To Not Quit SuicidePosted on 04/30/13, 11:01 am This is a list of reasons why you should not commit suicide. I don't think these are the best reasons, but I didn't want to spend so much time on this list that I'd miss my chance to show you it. Thank you for taking the time to read them.

1. You don't know what it means to be dead. You've heard a lot of theories and ideas, but they all came from living people who also don't know what it means to be dead. You can guess, but you'll never know what you're stepping into.

2. You'll end up dead anyway. You won't miss out on your chance to be dead by choosing to stay alive. Waiting around to die is the most socially acceptable method of suicide, and it always works.

3. Actually choosing to go on living can be a bit of a rush. When it's a firm decision - "I choose to live!" - it can give a sense of purpose or meaning to life, just from the idea that you chose it. It seems like you're in control. The feeling fades, but it's nice for a bit.

4. You'll put your friends and family through grief. Even acquaintances will get a sinking feeling. Dying is usually sad, but suicide really spreads a lot of misery. There's not much you can do to nullify that...your actions will speak louder than your words.

5. There might be an important purpose to your life that you don't know yet. It may seem like a long shot, but who knows? Something could turn up.

6. There isn't a great way to do it. Unless you've suppressed your self-preservation instincts quite well, you're likely going to cause yourself grief, pain, hassle...and there's the chance that your method will fail, causing all sorts of complications. If your life is going badly, why add more bad stuff to it?

7. There's a lot of world out there. However much you've seen, you haven't seen it all.

8. You can start over. Abandon your likes and dislikes and friends and memories, and begin a second life. Hitchhike away, get dropped off in a strange town, figure things out.

9. You can join just about any religion and find a different, interesting set of reasons to stay alive. The reasons seem to be pretty threatening though.

10. Your choice will be misinterpreted. If you're trying to get a message to somebody, you'll likely be better off sticking around to make sure they get it.

11. Flowers, cookies, a joke, being warmed by a fire, ice cream, stretching, leaves rustling, sunsets and sunrises, scratching a good itch, finding ten dollars, sand running through your fingers, a scented candle, a piece of velvet, a familiar story told again new. Ordinary things.

12. It's illegal. Sort of a funny reason to choose.

13. You might push some borderline person to commit suicide too. Not really your fault, but it's could be pretty sad regardless.

14. If you happen to consider life to be meaningless, then it's an equally meaningless decision to commit suicide. Why should you die? Why should you do anything? There's no real answer.

15. What if there really is a Hell? Odds seem against it to me but dang. Guaranteed eternal hellfire seems worse than any sort of life.

16. If you're so close to the decision, you are in a powerful spot. If you have nothing to live for, you have a lot more options in how to live your life. Take risks. Gamble away everything. Shout in the streets, go to prison, be a corporate tool, break rules, kick over trashcans. Who cares?

17. Music.

18. Animals keep at it. Watch them, learn a different way of dealing with life.

19. Big things are underfoot. The future is coming faster than ever - the world could look completely different in just a bit. Aren't you curious?

20. It's cowardly, cruel, selfish, pitiful, infantile, if those things mean anything to you. I don't know if any of those accusations are true, but a few of them will almost certainly be thrown at you.

21. You're setting yourself up for some bitter ironic twist - "Oh, if he/she had only been alive one more [year, week, day, hour]!"

22. You can't go back. Being alive, on the other hand, is a constant opportunity to change your mind.

23. Plant a seed, water it, watch it grow. If it doesn't die, you might get a nice metaphor out of it. If it does die...well, at least this reason kept you around long enough to kill a plant.

24. It seems to me that most people who consider suicide change their minds before going through with it. Maybe you can trust that they're on to something.

25. What if someone, right now, loves you dearly, and is too shy to say it? Even a glimpse of you sends them into a serene ecstasy. If you commit suicide, it would break this person's heart - they'd never recover. Who knows?

26. You're a speck of dust on a spinning dot of a planet in a remote solar system in one of millions of galaxies in an expanding universe. Deciding whether to live or die is as silly and unimportant a choice as deciding whether to wear white or gray socks. So go on living, just for the heck of it.

27. I don't want you to die. Do me a favor.

Those are great reasons, NA13! (from Beaumont). I especially Love #26!!!

I've only had suicidal feelings and thoughts. I made a few "plans". I can't say I've "been suicidal" really - not like friends of mine (and yourself) who live every single day with it. I get what it's like to have something that other people don't though. RA and chronic pain works that way - people can "sort of understand" (pain and things), but they'll never "get it". While I don't "get it" - my heart goes out to you and everyone Living One More Day Wanting to Not Live Another Day. You have all my respect and admiration for making one more day happen.

I think about it, but never made plans. I'm made out to sound like a horrible wife and mother that when I'm feeling really down, I think they would all be better off without me. I can usually get out of this frame within a day or two, but this bout has lasted longer.

Hmmmm?

You are 23!

I realise 'life' is not easy, but life wasn't easy in my 'day' (or NOW for me) either!

My brother committed suicide years ago, and I STILL (to this day) GRIEVE!

FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If youre reading this, there is at least a small part in you that doesnt want to die. Listen to it, and please read on.

Suicide is final once it's done, theres no changing your mind. Since you have even the slightest of doubts, you owe it to yourself to stay alive.

You can always kill yourself later, why not wait? Even if you wait just one day, you may find a reason not to kill yourself in the meantime.

If youre feeling suicidal, youre probably in more pain than you know how to handle. There are ways to reduce the pain, and ways to learn to deal with pain. You can learn both - either way things will get better.

Just because youre feeling suicidal doesnt mean you have to act on that feeling.

Consider this if youre trying to escape from the pain you are in and seek relief, suicide is not the answer. You cannot feel relief, or anything else for that matter, if you are dead. You must stay alive in order to feel the relief you seek.

Often when feeling suicidal you feel alone. You are not alone you found us didnt you? Turn to your family or friends or a priest or a rabbi anyone that will listen. If you dont know whom to turn to http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/17058838-helpful-hotlines-reposted

By terminating your life right now, you terminate your future. Consider this we create our own future. You have the power to create whatever future you wish for yourself. But you need to be alive in order to have that future.

If youre sensitive enough to be in so much pain that you no longer want to live, youre probably sensitive enough to care about, and want to help others. Maybe you dont feel like helping anyone else right now, but why not help yourself? And perhaps by not killing yourself and overcoming your difficulties you can later help someone else who is in a similar situation.

Finally, dont do it because Im personally asking you not to. Whatever youre feeling, whatever youre going through, things can get better I know because Ive been there. Maybe I havent experienced exactly what you have, but not only have I thought of suicide, I tried it thankfully I was unsuccessful and I can speak from personal experience when I tell you things can get better.

I pat myself on the back everyday I live another day without killing myself. If I did nothing else right that day, I did that.

Ever since I had a violent reaction to crappy meds (they are all crappy) I have thought of suicide no less than 50,000 times in the last two years. Usually around 5 times an hour is about average. If I only just had depression I would never kill myself but if you ever get screwed upwith meds you will be very very sorry. You know the feeling when you hit your funnybone? My entire body feels like that 24/7.

Be very freakin careful about ANYTHING that comes in a prescription, my muscles actually melted...I shit you not. Before my reaction I was in wicked shape and now I am devastated and everyday is just existence in it's most basic form. The reason I mention this is I would trade anything to just have depression now, there is no way out of this but down...check out the lawsuits GSK, Pfizer, Ellli Lilly have been bitch slapped with and there is a massive trail of corruption.

If this saves just one life it will not be in vain, if you are on meds work with your dr to see if you can go without them, trust me your mind and body will thank you. I know some people claim meds help and I am glad but if the pharma published the negative results of the trials NO ONE would take that shit. I know my days are numbered but you still have a chance for a nice life, don't throw it away...one day you will be happy you didn't.

I am holding back, if I were in an octagon with a pharma ceo there would be blood all over the place...and that's before the fight started. Hang in there, it can get better and I really hope it does for you.

Peace.

I have lived with depreshion all my life and since I was 2 I never wanted to be here ........when I was in my 20. I attempted subside. But my baby woke up from his nap I just brok out of ware I was and relised he would be the one to find me ........and I have never went there again but I got very bad one time I stopped talking I would just quietly cry and not sleep so my husband brought me to the hospital they gave me ect electric shock therapy ....it was a life savour for me I was going dowen to far to fast ... I was in the hospital for 2months my doctor wanted me to stay longer but I had young children I needed to get back to and he knew I would look after my self .......I never want to go there again but if I ever do you can be sure I will be running to the hospital ............ So I have been better and I have bee worse ...but never without some leaves of depreshion but now after all these years I can say I want to be her I am 58.....I have grandchildren I want to watch grow up so you never know what is coming in your future if you can just hang on to get there .........I have been in this depreshion for 9years now I se a phicatrist ......and ...one thing I learned from being in the hospital is that you have to talk and talk get all the hurt out .....so I talk I see my doctors and I take my meds it takes some time ti get on the right meds for you with the least sidefects. But once you find the right combination big diferance I now have my head above water .......I came here because I needed more support because people who haven't gone through depreshion have no clue what you are going through I even had to make my husband go to my doctor so he could get educated a little to understand what I was going through .............I think if I am hearing you right and I was feeling the way you are I would put my self in the hospital if there was a posibataltie that I would act on my thoughts and try to comit suside..............I will keep you in my prayer ........your fight is been my fight and it is a fight we realy have to be strong people to keep fighting it and living through it ............."evert day you figh you win ........I live one day at a time ....at one time I rember having to live one hour at a time one minit at a time ....you might not be able to see it but you can get better make sure you get the help you need .........come and talk often ......god bless .....I will keep you in my prayers "....................I just read your post again and you ask about what is on the other side Maney people have diferant India's but this is an adventure and you won't know ware it takes you if you don't hang in there ..........look at me it on ly took 50years to deside I want to be here after all what if I would of given up befor I would never of expertness what I am now ..............

It is a blessed and wonderfully tranquil place to be. I am there now and after being with the demons the pain and the darkness I am so grateful to be where I am now. I truly hope you that place in your life where such peace and tranquility can exist for you too.

My son in law committed suicide when his kids were 8 and 5. They are now 18 and 15 and the effect of it is still with them no matter how bad it gets and how many times I wish I could escape I could never put anyone through what he did to us!

Life without suicide...if life! It's generally a light state of being, free of oppression, from others or from the voices within yourself, when possibilities for creative expression are open and endless. The world is your canvas! Paint on it!

Physical exercise helps me greatly with this. I'll get on a bike and pedal for miles. Suddenly, the world looks very good, because I feel good within my own body. Healthy body, healthy mind and spirit. I use the physical to get to the emotional. When I feel strong, the only thing I fear is boredom, so I continually look for new goals and challenges.

know all about it......

life with out suicide.....I have made it four to five years....and...I have to say it is cool. mostly same shit different day but I take pride in knowing I actually help people than let them take advantage of my beneficial nature. and, besides there have been some bitch'n sunsets and sunrise's also....then... Oh yeah I also have had the pleasure to piss off a few more people.....damm the list can just go on for ever.....

I have also been suicidal for the better part of my life. Between abuse at home, unknown/uncontrolled mental health issues, physical health issues, and about a million other aspects I won't bore you with, suicide had always seemed like the silver lining to me. Happiness was a joke, success was a fairy tale, comfort was a lie...

I knew the "facts". That "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" "You never know what life will bring you" So on and so forth, but it didn't really make me see things any differently.

I had it planned. I had planned that if i still felt the way i did when i turned 19, that I would leave and commit suicide. I figured that would give me enough time for things to change, my mind to change etc. and if i still felt that way then i could leave un bothered and no one around me would have to deal with the clean up or grief.

That thought, that deal with myself, was the only thing that got me through the day for years.

Well, while i won't force you to read a novel of all my details... I am 24 now and am so thankful I made myself wait it out.

I realized, no matter how permanent things seem, nothing is. No matter how bleak, endless or unwavering something seems to be, it can always be altered. Perhaps by oneself or by an outside force completely unpredicted, you never know, but things can and will always change and you DO have a say in how that change forms.

I am trying to be vague her for the simple fact that there is no answer. No single revelation or thread of wisdom with this subject.
Everyone's "answer" is different. Everyone's situation, life, responsibilities, aspirations and feelings are different. It's really all about the journey, that FINDING of what your OWN answer is.

It's not easy, not by a long shot, but happiness can be obtained even in the darkest setting if only you will force it. Not let it, not allow it or hope for it but MAKE it happen for you.

I understand and do not dismiss those who, like myself, have certain blocks in their own mind preventing them from happiness, unexplained sadness that they cannot pin point, predict or control. Nor do i dismiss those who, again like myself, have outside consistent factors that are causing this anguish.

But it's that first step that is always the hardest. Whether it be deciding to seek medical help, working to the brink to separate yourself from the thing troubling you, painstakingly forcing yourself to get out of bed, out of the house, to search for something you think does not even exist. It's exhausting, almost too much to even ask of yourself to do. But it can be done, and if you force yourself through it and once that first step is taken for yourself the rest of the steps will slowly start to present themselves to you.

Why shouldn't you commit suicide?
Because you should never, ever, let anyone or anything EVER take any piece of your life from you, and that's including yourself.
Because you fucking matter to this world and to the people in it. Even if it does not seem that way. No matter what faith (or lack there of) you follow, every single person who has walked this planet has brought something to it that no one else could have, and you are no different.
Because there IS life out there for you. There IS happiness out there for you. I do not pretend to know your current situation, but there is ALWAYS a choice, ALWAYS an alteration or an addition that can be made. What do YOU like outside of this? What do you feel outside of this? What is it that interests you, that you find beautiful, that you enjoy doing or would like to experience? Whatever it is, no matter how unattainable it seems, go do it. Go experience this world on YOUR terms, for your OWN reasons and don't let anything, including yourself, hold you back. This world is so much bigger than how we see it when were focused on the end of it. I don't mean bigger in the sense of " Take off and go to China" or " Drop everything to join the circus". Often times the change does not even have to be so drastic. It can come in as small a form as writing a book, going back to school for your passion or to figure out what your passion is, in helping those in need, moving to a different town to get a fresh start, separating yourself from the negative people or things around you,getting a pet... the examples are literally endless, and that's sort of the point. There are limitless possibilities ahead for you, for everyone, and everyone is capable of and deserves to explore those possibilities and create something wonderful out of what they found.

I cannot tell you what the other side of suicide looks like, only you know that. I know what it looked like for me, but yours will be vastly different. You seem to know what a good life does NOT look like , you seem to be experiencing what a good life is NOT, so go the opposite of those things. I know you said you are not sure what to hope for, or what a good life is but honestly, there are more people than not who feel the same way. Not knowing what you want, or what you believe defines a good, successful life is exceptionally normal. It's OKAY to not have things figured out, no one else does! All you need to figure out is you, right now. What you want right now, what you feel, desire and dislike right now and work with that. Just keep it day by day, little by little.

I apologize for my reply being so long and repetitive. It is just so very hard to explain to someone in such a position ( and i know the position very well ) that they have CONTROL of their happiness and they just don't have to feel the way that they do. So difficult to try to explain that even the smallest of things count, even if its just a lazy day out in the sun, the first time you pick up the phone to make a doctors appointment, or visiting a local college for the first time. Every little thing you do to pursue who you are, what you want, to figure out what it is that might make you a bit happier is of great importance and of absolute success.

We can't tell you what " A good life looks like". It is up to you to CREATE it, in any way you want it to be. It is in your hands, truly, and you CAN succeed in finding out what it is that YOU think is a good life, what there is to be hopeful about, to be happy about.

The thoughts have never 100% left me, I will be absolutely honest with you. But, you CAN leave them on the back burner and in the back of your mind. Stop focusing on the idea of suicide and try to focus on other things you could bring into your life. Act as if for some reason suicide was not an option, what would you do and think to prepare for if it for some reason weren't? There IS something inside of you, as there is inside all of us, that will ignite a spark of inspiration or excitement. Seek out those things, they will lead you in the direction you need.

It is always easier said than done, but you, as well as everyone else, has it in them to leave such darkness behind and conquer the light. Our futures are not set in stone, they are nothing more than what we create them to be, and we all truly do have the ability to create something spectacular for ourselves.

There is life out there for you honey, there really is. It sucks having to wait for it, work for it so much harder than so many others do but it WILL come for you and it WILL be so very worth it.

I wish you, and everyone else going through the same trials, the absolute very best.