This requires a lot of context so sorry in advance but it'll be a long read. In 2015 I moved back to Virginia after spending a few years with my mom and abusive stepdad. I had developed pretty bad depression at the time but this new start was pretty good for me. When I had started school I had gotten my first girlfriend ( I will call her girl A). While at this school my mom had gotten into another relationship with another awful person. Eventually I was forced to move to a different city with them. This eventually cause my relationship to deteriorate. Eventually it ended. It lasted about 4 months if I remember correctly. It was very devistating for me. My depression became that worst that it has ever been since. Eventually I was forced to start at a new school. Everything felt meaningless. The day before it was supposed to start, I planned to commit suicide. I had typed out a note and sent it to that girl, and planned to slit my wrist. Before I was able to go through with it she stopped me. Later that year I attempted to end my life by taking pills but I was unsuccessful. I kinda just went along daily just empty. In a lot of ways that haven't changed. Eventually I was able to try different relationships. But one after another they never went well. Most didn't last long at all. No matter what they all came back to me just missing girl A. This cycle would continue until about march of this year. I started a online relationship with a girl (girl B) who was much older than me. She was 31, to my 21, and as such had kids and alot going on in her life. She was also polyamorous. Which is a lifestyle that was very hard for me to cope with. Eventually after 5 months, and alot of feeling like this relationship wasent fair to me at all, I sort of gave up on it. Eventually, about a couple weeks ago, I finally cut ties with her. Life at this point had felt completely terrible. My dad had just had a heart operation, our house was starting to be foreclosed, my mom and brothers were nearly homeless due to being kicked out the house by the new abusive husband ( I was and currently and living with my dad). I've felt like everything in my life was going extremely poor and it was feeling like I was being smothered. One day, about 2 weeks ago, after many years of having basically no contact, girl A began contacting me again. Out of nowhere is seemed like there was a lot with her again. I am her most talked to person on snapchat, we have spent multiple night just voice chatting online, and she seems to be really interest in just communicating with me again. Because of my pessimism I was never expecting anything of this. with everything bad going on I wasent expecting anything good in life. She had told me she was going to a concert. It was a band that I liked and even though it was a big of a steep price, I bought a ticket. Upon teller her she said offered to drive me. I went through the entirety of last week sort of expecting it to be my last in a way.  I remember the best day of my life that I could recall ever having was a date, nearly 7 years ago with her. I expected going to that concert with her to be a sort of last high in my life. On that day she picked me up early. We went to a ton of art stores for her to pick up some things, we ate at a fancy ramen place, and walked around a nearby mall. That mall was the same that we walked around on that first date 7 years ago. It was very hard internally but I made it through. Eventually we went to the concert and had a pretty great time. It did become my new best day with her, as well as the best day I can remember having. I suppose the feeling of that day is why I'm still here. It's just really hard to understand why life is like this. I feel meaningless and alone unless I'm with someone, and things often come back to this one person. She is back in my life, but I'm obviously unsure of why, how long, and how things will go. Both girls A and B I have ranted about on this site before. Both situations were really hard on me. It feels like no matter what I always get hooked up on people. I do believe that girl B could have potentially been a good learning experience, and that I may have needed a lot of time to mature for relationships, but that doesn't change the fact that for some reason in my head, my life literally revolves around them. I suppose this post is nothing but another rant.