I suggest a medical checkup. Problem could be hormonal or otherwise, .. ie thyroid, or???

I went for a checkup in mid September, and my thyroid and iron levels were just fine. I keep a close eye on both because I have had issues with iron, and have a family history of females (on both sides) with thyroid deficiencies.

I received a diagnosis of MDD about 4 years ago, so I know that this is just another cycle.. I just wish there was something I could do to stop it....

Wow.... been there! Here is part of an informative blog I wrote to some of my near and dearest once that says something similar to this. If you wonder why I am basically repeating what you have said, it is to let you know I truly get it, and am willing to talk if needed.

"Depression hurts.... wanna know how it feels?

It becomes harder-and-harder to understand the task at hand and what I should be doing next. My attention doesn't wander; I just can't figure out what is going on. It's as if my intelligence level starts falling.

I forget things. Tasks may be left undone or forgotten before I take even five footsteps.

I tend to wander around in a daze. Everything feels as if it were a bit distant and it is difficult to make decisions on what to do next.

Decisions, from complex issues at work, to simple things like whether to go to the supermarket this evening, become harder to make. I tend to put off making any decisions at all.

I start to delay doing things. Dishes start piling up in my sink.

I get nervous dealing with people. I feel as if they are going to accuse me of some little thing I did wrong, or shout at me. I feel as if I ask for help or a favor I will be turned down or laughed at.

Naturally, communications start to fail. I stop calling my friends, or returning phone calls.

I stop going out with friends or attending any social functions.

I stay in my house. I don't want to go outside for any reason. I only go out when I need food.

I tend to crave sugar. I can eat an entire box of chocolate cookies in half-hour. And then be disgusted with myself.

I spend a lot of time trying not to think. I read the same magazines over and over again, and I read a lot of trashy novels. Good literature and text books are usually beyond my ability to understand properly.

I can't study or do anything productive that requires concentrated thought.

I watch television six to ten hours a day if I get the chance. Or more. I can easily watch television from 5 pm to 4 am without even getting up for dinner.

My sleep patterns become odd. I stay up until two or three in the morning, reading.

I spend sixteen or more hours a day sleeping. I would often sleep hoping I would not wake up, or that the world would disappear before I woke up.

Everything in my house piles up to do. Clothes to be cleaned, dishes unwashed, garbage to be taken out, books strewn everywhere, bed unmade, clothes in the living room. You name it, it's not done.

I don't have the desire to do anything. Even more than that, the issue never really makes it into my consciousness. I would see a set of books to put away, but there would be no true connection between the mess and the need to clean it up. I might understand it abstractly, but not in any concrete terms of desire or need.

The inability to do things is not just for housework. It includes studies, work, social activities, basic personal maintenance.

My entire world comes crashing down around me as I stop being able to do anything.

I become terrified to talk to or hear from people. There is no reason for this at all. I always feel that people are going to yell at me.

I don't answer my telephone, I don't listen to my voicemails. Sometimes I don't even open my e-mail.

I usually spend days like this with an almost completely blank mind. Just enough of me is alive to make sure I eat and sleep to be cunning enough so that the average person doesn't suspect what is going on.

Because my mind is so blank, I usually have a hard time remembering what went on. But I can remember if I put a bit of effort into it.

The very symptoms of depression, the very despair and hopelessness, and the pain caused by so many other self-perpetuating thoughts and feelings - literally immobilize me."

btw, have you tried any sort of medication? over time it began to work wonders for me.

You completely describe how I've felt while being sick. I wanted to take some classes this fall but realized there was no way I would be able to concentrate enough to do it. I give you credit. If there is a way you could take a break to get mentally healthy again, I would do it. Don't beat yourself up- if you had cancer, would you be angry with yourself for not accomplishing your goals? Make your main goal to get healthy- you won't be able plan for the future or see the purpose until you at least get to that point.

angelite
you have just described me to a tee...im taking meds but dont think they working yet i dont have any motovotation at all ot a goal to aim for very moving post you wrote

Dear Angelite - your posting was soooo inciteful. This is how i feel. I keep chastising myself that I must just be lazy. I know I have depression and I am on medication and some weeks I feel fine but at the moment I can see myself slipping into the black hole again. Not suicidal - thank goodness, just not wanting to leave the house, unable to concentrate for long periods and feeling in a daze.

Thankyou for the post. It makes me feel better to know there are others that feel like this.

Thanks for the support guys. And thanks for sharing your post, Angelite. Almost everything on there describes how I am feeling right now.
I also tend to chastise myself for being lazy, like you, latenightowl. I know that it is because I am sick and I can't control my lack of concentration, but I feel like I'm just being lazy and taking the easy way out by blaming depression. I do that with all of my symptoms really. Even though I know why I feel the way I do and do the things I do (or don't do), I always feel so guilty for "making excuses" such as being sick. And then I become more and more depressed because I am angry with myself. I don't trust myself a lot of the time when I feel like this. I often think that I'm not really sick at all and I'm just making it all up to get out of having to take responsibility for being such a lazy, useless, mundane being and that I do such a good job of pretending that I even fooled the professionals that diagnosed me.

SBoom, I suggest next semester you take a lighter course load. This way you'll have more time to devote to yourself and getting better. I've been there too, and I just finished reading angelite's post and wow! that was me! Just remember you're this way because of a chemical imbalance, not because you're lazy or anything. The main thing is to take care of yourself first. Once you get over the hurdle, you will start to notice improvements. Little ones at first, then more and more as time goes on. Hugs to you.

I've taken lighter course loads in previous semesters, and will only be taking 3 courses next semester, but I can't continue on like that or it will take forever for me to graduate. I already started school kind of late, at the age of 20, and even going at a full course load for the remainder of my studies I won't graduate til I'm 25. That leaves me with a maximum of about 10 years to build up my career before taking the time off to start a family while still in prime baby-making condition. If I wish to live both my dreams - having a career and having a family - I simply can't afford to take any longer than I already have in getting my life started. The longer it takes me to get my life on track, the more depressed I'll be over time... no matter how light my course load might be. The biggest recurring thought I tend to have when I'm depressed is "I'm 22 and not even half way done my first degree. Where the fuck am I going with life, and why am I taking so long?" For so long as I am still in school without a degree in my hand, I feel like I am at a standstill, just watching my life drift further away from me.... Most people my age have already graduated and are in the process of building their careers. More people from my high school class are married and pregnant or have children than not. I feel like I'm the only one that's still a fucking teenager. I simply don't think that my ego could handle still being in school another 3 years from now......