I haven't had an extended episode of major depression in over 5 years. I've felt myself begin to spiral a number of times, but I've managed to stay afloat with the help of good friends and family, a positive outlook and always, always holding onto hope.

Lately it has been a real struggle though. I lost my job at the end of October - it was a huge shock to me. My contract was up and when my boss brought me into his office to discuss my contract, I went in there assuming we were renewing (as we had the previous year) and, frankly, expecting a raise. I was working for a politician and we had just won an election against a very solid challenger. I played a critical role in his win and I had supported him as best I could for 2 years. I put in far more hours than my salary was calculated on and I did so gladly. I will admit that I was beginning to feel burnt out and my motivation was waning for the last six or so months, but I pulled it together for the election and worked my ass off. He gave me nothing but positive feedback all the time, so as far as I knew, I was doing a great job.

It came out of no where and I was devastated. At the time, I was living with my best girl friend and she really helped keep me above water that first few weeks. I didn't start looking hard for a new job until January, as I was out of the country for a month over the holidays.

Now, I've been hard on the job hunt for over a month and I'm beginning to feel depressed and all around bad about myself. I was already having a hard time the last couple of years watching everyone around me get into or maintain long term relationships - many of whom even got married or engaged - while I'm sitting here, still alone at 28 years old watching my dating pool dry up one by one. Is it the most important thing in the world? Maybe not - but I feel so fucking alone. I have great friends and family, but it's not the same. I'm at that age where I just want someone to cuddle with and care for me in a way that friends and family just can't satisfy, no matter how wonderful they are.

I'm tired of being alone, but now that I am unemployed I feel like such a fucking loser. I have nothing in my life to point to and say "this is what I've accomplished" or "this is what I'm proud of". I used to be able to say I had a great job and a great career going for me. Now I've lost that and I just feel like a big failure and a big, lonely loser.

And it's frustrating because I know I'm not a loser - I know that there is a reason why I have good friends.. obviously people see something worthwhile in me, and I do know that whatever it is, it's there...

But why don't men ever want to date me?? What is it about me that makes me so fucking attractive as a friend and so unappealing romantically?! I'm not physically unattractive - just an average girl with a decent body.

I know that this rant is kind of disjointed, but I just need to let out how I've been feeling.

My roommate moved away in December and I think that not having her here makes it so much harder to deal with this crushing feeling of loneliness and failure. She was literally the one person I've ever had that I can talk to about anything and everything and she totally 100% gets it. She understands me like nobody else does. It was impossible to get into a funk living with her because I got to hang out with my best friend every day. If I had a bad day or something was bringing me down, all it took was a chill session on our balcony that started with me letting it all out, maybe crying, a bit of hugging and then all the sudden without even realizing when the transition happened, laughing our asses off together - and then it was just over. Sadness gone.

My new roommate is wonderful and she is a good friend too, but it just isn't the same.

I'm just really not doing well in general right now. I'm trying SO hard to stay positive. I don't want to let myself slip. FIVE years - I can't let myself go back.