Being in the military I find that people look up to leaders that care and my job entails ensuring the health and welfare of the students so we can properly train them to be better. Often, I find students who naturally gravitate towards me as I take shaping their future lives very seriously. Every now and then I hear someone tell me that they want to be just like me and that truly scares the hell out of me. Today I was asked how I have become so knowledgeable about all the resources, tips, and tricks regarding fighting depression. Though I know these actions to be helpful and are recommended by medical professionals, I no longer feel that they help me. I didn’t have the time to explain myself to this student, but I wish I did. I would tell her that once upon a time it really did help me and for once I found myself really getting better so much so that I started to get hopeful. I don’t know what happened after that, but I fell deeper and deeper, and now I am just a pathetic excuse of a human.

The only way I can explain my depression is that I have made a home in the darkness. Everyday I wake up sad and go to sleep sad because I know tomorrow will not have much for me. Every now and then I feel that I leave my home in the dark and take the long journey up hills and mountains to find light in my life, but I always end up back in the dark. I have been here so long that this is my normal. I just feel like such a lie. Everyone thinks I am so strong, but the reality is that I am weak and hanging on by a thread. Its funny because the things I tell them seem to really help. I have managed to change the lives of those around me but have never found that same outcome for myself. I really hope no one every becomes “just like me” because I would never want anyone to feel as terrible as I do on a daily basis. From sone up to sun down, please for the love of God, please do not seek to be like me for I will not let anyone fall this far down low or feel as empty as I do.