Gordos, I'm really really sorry your going through this. My older sister is very mean and hurtful to my mother. My moms not perfect, and honestly she isn't the nicest/easiest person to get along with, but shes still my mom and I still love her. When she ticks me off, i just take a step back instead of getting mad.

and hey, maybe not relevant but I'm going to add my two cents on something you said here "My son's main problem is, he is an atheist, no believe system whatsoever. Therefore, no consequences or accountability." Many atheist (which is in and of itself a belief system) are very nice people with a great set of moral values and they don't go around bashing people for no reason. I don't think him being an atheist is the issue. I think him having other unresolved issues (anger, mental health, other what have yous) are more to blame than his beliefs.

Well, the next time he wants something then give him a dose of reality. If he doesn't see the value in what you do for him then you take it away and it may seem harsh but it is basically "reality descipline". I understand he may have feelings of resentment towards you for whatever reasons but it doesn't give him the right to turn you into a punching bag. Im not a really great parent but I have learned a little in 4 years. Children expect you to "enforce" respect so next time he needs something....you are not available ;-). Hugs

*my daughter disrespects me a lot so I decided parenting classes were neccessary and luckily she has gotten 5 times better

rac, I know what you mean. I worded that wrong. He USES being an atheist to disrespect me & he is mad that I ever made him go to church when he was growing up. He has told me he resents me for it. I know there are plenty of atheists that are kinder than some "Christians", but my son is not one of them. I cant wait until tomorrow when Im supposed to contact them about seeing my GS. Im not even going to text them, then wait for the backlash. Fun, fun...

Charlie, Im glad your daughter is coming around. I should have taken parenting classes 15 years ago. I thought I did a good job for the most part.

Hi,
I am just visiting this board today and your post caught my heart.

From an outsider's viewpoint, I do wonder if your son is using your GS as emotional blackmail to get you to do what he wants. Children should never be in the middle of problems that are not their fault.

It is obvious he needs counseling but he has to be ready to take responsibility. Anger Management would be a good starting point.

I have 5 children 4 boys, one girl and 5 grandchildren. Have been through a lot of this crap with kids. I know you can not just tell them they need help, it does fuel the fire. Maybe if you change how you react to him it might help you let go of some of your anger.

Can you have your current husband be the go between? Have him set up the dates and handle picking up your GS and dropping him off.? You don't need to deal with your son until he gets help. I hope you are getting help, It does seem like a lot is there to work through so you can better protect yourself.

Your son will not apologize, He will keep taking advantage if he can. Thankfully your older boys are on the right track. I agree with the post that said to give them more time. I am guessing they may feel like they are being put aside.

Tough love would be telling your son or writing to him, that you love him but until he gets his anger and disrespect under control you are not going to be emotionally abused. If and when he gets help for his issues, you would be open to trying to salvage the relationship with him as mother and son, not punching bag for son. Tell him that your grandson does not need to be hurt because of your relationship with your son, his father. If your husband will run interference for you and allow you time to regroup, let go of the expectations of having a loving relationship with this son, and move on to nurture your older children and your GS, maybe you will be able to let go of some of the anger and hurt. This you would be doing not only for yourself but also for your GS.

Wishing you the best possible.

RJ, Thank you for your reply. I actually did think of asking my husband to be the go-between. But I thought better of it..If I have to have a go-between to see my GS, then something's got to give, meaning my son.
Yes, this isn't the first time my son has used my GS as leverage. He thinks I will always be willing to put up with his crap to see GS. I have for 3 years, Im done. I was thinking this morning, I also have a lot to work through myself, so maybe it's better that I don't see GS for awhile. Im a mess this weekend.

You know gordos4, my mom is deeply depressed because her kids is hurting her too. When I read your post I thought about the pain my brother had put on my mom. She was already going through enough emotions of her own but he wanted to know her parents death (they died when she was just a teenager, she is now in her 70s. I've spoke with a few people who had felt that my brother is being very disrespectful to my mom and what is his goal for doing this. I'm feeling very unhappy about what he is doing to mom because when she get depressed, she begin to feel guilty that me and my youngest brother is there, trying to care for her and she wants to leave us and go into a nursing home. Me and another person told mom that a nursing home is not a good p

wep, The reason it bothers me so much is because I had no mom growing up. I always swore, I would be a better mother than what I had. Now, with everything that has happened, I think I failed, miserably. Guilt is like 2nd nature among mothers. When our kids turn out to be less than expected or are disrespectful, we blame our lack of parenting. I am SLOWLY realizing that it isn't ALL my fault. They have their own minds & make their own decisions. They didn't act like this until after they were out of the house for awhile..

Gordos,

Hi. Sorry I didn't read every post, the thread was pretty long. Why do your let your sons hold you emotionally hostage? Why do you let them disrespect you like that? I'm assuming by what you said the other one acts the same way? Unless you've done something to these 2 men that you've not said, then why do you even listen to them?

My youngest son used to do the same things to me, 2 yrs. after my divorce my 16 yr old was with his dad most of the time and he just started behaving very badly toward me, completely out of character. He would say mean, nasty, cruel things and not speak to me for 6 - 9 months at a time, or not see me for 9 months. This was a child who about a year prior was with me daily, followed me everywhere, did everything with me. It hurt, it hurt like hell, the first 2 times he told me, "I wish you'd drop dead because I don't want you in my life anymore" I literally thought I would die from the pain.....it was an emotional pain I've never felt before, and I lost a sister at 13. So he's done this crap for the last 3 1/2 years and about 2 years in I finally figured out that if I just ignore him, after telling him his behavior was inappropriate and I didn't appreciate the way he was disrespecting me, I wouldn't hear or see from him for a while....but I didn't get upset, and I didn't cry because I knew he was going to do it. So I stopped letting it kill me. I had to just get myself steeled for the fact that he was going to be that mean and nasty.

So, once again, why are you letting your sons do this to you? Tell them that they are not allowed to disrespect you like that. Tell them that they have no right to speak to their mother like that. Tell them that they can no longer hold you emotionally hostage and when they're ready to treat you like you should be treated then you'll talk to them again.

Then steel yourself to it, and don't buckle. Because until you do something, they will keep doing this and treating you badly. Until you put your foot down and say, "Hey, I'm your Mother and you won't speak to me this way!" and then not give in when they mouth off and want to argue, you just walk away, or hang up the phone whichever....they'll never get the message that they're incredibly wrong and you've had enough.

I hope things get better for you and I'm sorry that your having to deal with so much pain.

OldCper, I really cant explain why they treat me this way, other than their dad "brainwashing" them against me. They were both sweet boys before they moved with their dad. He used to tell them the most awful lies about me. He treated them badly & traumatized them both. I can only assume their anger is really toward him, not me, & now he's dead, so who is left? I obviously wasn't a perfect mom, but they had it pretty dang good growing up. Why have I allowed it? Because I myself have always had pretty low self esteem. My own sisters used to call me a doormat. Its just the way Ive always been. I am FINALLY sick & tired of the way they treat me. I stood up to one son months ago, & now it's time to face the other one. I KNOW I wont be able to see my GS for awhile, but I don't see any other way around it. I don't even want to see my son right now..his words just keep echoing through my head.