Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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C.S.Ember 05/15/2018

(Copied from my journal, since I realized nobody really looks at those except people I've friended)

Why am I such a total fucking trashheap? Why does my brain do this thing where it starts insulting me at every turn over the stupidest shit? Why can't I fucking function on a normal human level? Why can't I go out, get shit done, come home and feel fucking satisfied with a day's work for fucking once in my life? I want to feel something other than empty and self hate. I want to feel something like happiness. I want to laugh because I feel happy, not because of whatever fake 'humor' my brain runs on. I want to be angry because I love something, not because someone's attacking me. I want to be sad when I lose something. I want to do all of these fucking things. But no. I'm this stupid fucking husk that can't feel or act under my own fucking power. WHY AM I SO BROKEN?!

No... I dunno... fuck. I just want to be NORMAL! I don't want to be this creature of 'infinite patience' that can stand there and let people hit me and hit me and never see that I've been beaten into the ground. I don't want to be this thing that people look up to rather than the person they think they see. I don't want to be an idol. I want to be ME. I don't even know if there fucking IS a me right now. I don't know who I'm supposed to be, and it's because this fucking depression brain is drowning me.

My heart hurts... my everything HURTS because I'm this fat fucking piece of shit. I can't change my body. I can't change who I am, because I'm fucking always THIS. I keep talking about walking forward and getting out of hell, but guess what, hell remembers. It remembers who I used to be, and it's always FUCKING WAITING

Kikio 05/15/2018

The heart didn't seam appropriate. I just wanted you to know someone read your post ... And relates.

C.S.Ember 05/15/2018

It's appreciated. Luckily, I'm off my ledge. Venting helped.
Need to be productive and get myself out of this absolutely shitty mood, though.

C.S.Ember 05/15/2018

Did three loads of dishes, scrubbed the stove, sink, the walls, and gave myself a blister somehow in the process. Drinking a monster to try and jolt myself out of my mood.

Kikio 05/15/2018

Wow. That is amazingly productive. Hope it helps.

Flashreturns 05/15/2018

Drinking a monster? What is that ? You need a plan. You also need to change your thoughts. Look up a book 'how to stubbornly refuse to be miserable about anything ' by dr ellis. You get an audio version free on youtube

C.S.Ember 05/15/2018

Monster is an energy drink. It's got a buttload of caffeine and other such things and can sometimes snap me out of a loop.

And I can think positive all I want, but when my brain decides to turn on me like that, there is no changing it. I've tried. The only answer at that point is to wait it out.

Flashreturns 05/15/2018

Look up that book i recommended. Also write down whats going on in your brain as that slows you down. A lot of depression is irrational and we need to get in touch with the rational

Flashreturns 05/15/2018

Its not a case of thinking positive i.e things will improve as sometimes they don't. Its a case of testing the validity of our thoughts .

Flashreturns 05/15/2018

I almost let an irrational thought deny my son a father so im learning myself.

C.S.Ember 05/15/2018

Look, I appreciate the thought, but this was me writing it down. I already know about irrational thinking. I already know when my brain just wants to take all the jabs it can find, true or not.

And don't worry... I'm not doing anything as important as dealing with family.

LouiseS 05/16/2018

Try some sublingual vitamin B12 1 to 2.5mg. It's great for boosting your mood quickly. There's probably some in Monster but you'll get alot more for the money if you buy the supplement outright.

kataroundtheworld 05/17/2018

Hey there, I know it might seem like you don't have it together while everyone else does.. but everyone else doesn't either! No matter what you see, read, watch, etc, no one is as perfect as they seem. We are human and we all aren't perfect and we all have messes in our lives.

And you are enough! You are a beautiful creation, you are loved. Don't doubt that for a minute

But I totally understand that sometimes these thoughts overtake you.. Sometimes when all of it is overwhelming, clearing your mind and literally latching on to something in reality can bring you back. For example, something you smell, something you feel (like the wind), something you see in front of you, or a sound you here.

Big hugs

C.S.Ember 05/25/2018

Turns out that I was being manipulated quite a bit by someone who I once trusted. She was twisting things and making it seem like everyone hated me, and just keeping me generally stressed and feeling horrible for three straight months. I'm not surprised I broke for a little bit.

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