My parents divorced when I was 8 years old. In spite of my bio-father (I call him a sperm donor) not paying support for me or my sister and when he did held it over our heads like he was doing us a favor, I still wanted to see him. My mother couldn't stand him and did like what you describe about the Christmas gifts. I know it's hard on you and I can hear the pain in your writing. Are you upset with your ex-husband or are you angry with your daughter? It sounds to me like you're angry with him more than her. Christmas is very hard on families that have rift. As a person that went through a similar type of situation, I know how much it hurt me when my mother acted in a vengeful fashion and took out her anger on my sister and me. So my best advise is try to at least understand that the loyalty between a dad and daughter is a very hard bond and if you do what you describe you could send her running to him all the more. It took me years to figure out why my mother resented him and ultimately me. I haven't spoken to her in many years. I send you my best wishes and I hope you can heal together with your daughter.

thank you for your comment here. I am unhappy that my own personal expectations are not being met here, I am being selfish here, I know that.

Like I always wrap my gifts when I give them to others because it shows that I care. while just handing something to someone in a plastic bag for Christmas is like saying, "I just bought this cause I had too" sort of attitude.

I'm angry because I bust my ass to make sure she has what she needs, and I do it alone, I have worked at a horrible horrible job that I hate for many years to make sure she gets what she needs and feel like she doesn't care a cent. I don't matter that much, I don't matter enough for her to spend Christmas with, or enough for her to wrap her gifts up for. But an abusive man who doesn't return her phone calls and hasn't in over a year and who hasn't even returned her call for Christmas arrangements is the person she wants to spend Christmas with. A son of a bitch, and no I don't speak like this to her about him, nor do I do anything vindictive towards him. I don't have too because he stays out of our lives, period, even if she needs him.

I'm angry or annoyed because I feel like I deserve better from her, and maybe I do, but it really does not matter, because this is all empty anyway, and I'm just getting upset over empty bullshit

Absolutely, you deserve better. She will spend time with you, too. I bet that if you asked her what is going on in her head, she would probably tell you that she feels torn. Teenaged girls are notorious for acting like they don't care. My daughters did that when they were teenagers, so it is no surprise that you are going through the same thing. It is NOT empty bullshit. It does mean something to you, otherwise, you wouldn't feel so upset. I would advise that you pray about it and perhaps (if your daughter is mature enough) talk to your daughter about it. I am here if you ever need someone to vent to , OK?

thank you iamstuck. You have done a good thing by talking to me and giving me encouragement

I hope you are rewarded 10 times as much for your help!

Now is the time your daughter needs your support. She wants to see her father--and she is honest enough to tell you about it. Take a deep breath. Bite your tongue. I know it is going to hurt, but bite your tongue.
If you had to choose whether to be right, or for your daughter to be happy--which do you choose? I'll set my clock. That is a difficult choice.

thanks for your comment derevna.

I am biting my tongue around her, that's prob why I'm on here venting away! good to have a place where you can do that.

I am not always so good at biting the tongue for long though, it's like I have a limit to how much I can stand, but for now I have been biting my tongue.

Thank you whatswrong. Sometimes, it is hard to be objective when there is quite an emotional charge.

whatswrong, you are not displaying anything that is small, you are expressing some very hurt feelings, toward not only your daughter but a very selfish ex husband. Men that don't pay child support just irritate the crap out of me. My ex husband never paid a dime and he always lived close by to us. He only had to pay $150 a month for two boys! I am trying to understand why she wants to see her dad and the only reason I can come up with, is that she is crying out for him to love her. She already knows you love her, but I'm sure she feels rejected and unloved by this man, which is going to affect how she feels about men as she gets older. It really makes me sad. Please know it is not you but emotions she is feeling. And I don't mean to sound anything but giving you constructive criticism and that is to say, don't do to her what she is doing to you as far as not wrapping the presents. Remember, you are the parent. Love and hugs GB

Whatever she wants to do...is what she wants..you can't control it;
It doesn't matter if you got child support or not...she wants her Dad..support her.

I have a very good friend on the board who has a father who has been terrible to her. But still she wants a relationship with her father. The best I have been able to understand it is that she (and girls in general???) want to have a good relationship with their father, and they will never have one if they cut their father out of their life.

No matter how bad he has treated her.

I'm sure that there is more to this emotion than I am understanding, but this is as far as I've been able to get to understanding it.

You have to be a grown up when it comes to kids of a divorce. Your the adult. It will turn on you if you put her father down no matter how sorry he is to her. It's her father, she loves him! Been on both sides of that. I also have an x that just really pisses me off. One thing I can't stand to hear him say to people is that he paid child support. He never paid on penny. But, like I said, she loves her father too.

I grew up in a divorced family before it was common. You just didn't see that many divorced families in the early 60's. Anyway, even then my parents knew how to act. No matter how bad it hurt my Mom, she put the best interest of us first. Of course, my Dad never missed a child support payment either.

Sounds like your daughter may be in for a heartache. Don't make her feel bad or like she can't come to you for support when she does come home. Do Christmas with her tonight. Let her know you love her and are not the bad guy. It's hard, believe me, I know.

Thanks for all the support here, THANKS so much.

We did celebrate Christmas yesterday before she had to go to work, and her dad did call her back finally yesterday and it made her feel better.

She's going to her dad's and I hope she has a good time.

I've always encouraged her to have a relationship with him if she can. I just felt really upset this year because,well she's growing up and I have felt really greedy about our time together sometimes and I guess when I posted this, it was one of those times. But it all worked out.

Thanks again for the very good advice given here. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas.