This message is incredibly long, but I pray that a few of you readers will review it all the way through and offer some help. I am almost 23 years old and I have struggled with depression on and off since I was 15 years old. At 15 I went through a critically traumatic experience which resulted in severe self harm and inpatient rehab. There was one counselor at the rehab center whom helped me immensely through the struggles I was dealing with at the time but a requirement of the facility was also to begin a medication regimen. I was put on several medications for depression, anxiety, and sleep assistance. Once I returned home, I was still required to take these medications per medical advice and my mother. After a short period of time of being on all of these medications, I became an empty shell of a human being. I literally did nothing all day except sit on the couch, rock back and fourth, and stare off into space. It was a horrible way of life, and eventually I made the decision to stop taking the medication altogether despite my diagnosis. For an incredibly long time, I did very well. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, soon after became a (happy) single mother, and right after my son turned one I met the man I am still in a relationship with today. Then over the past few years my life started spiraling out of control... Soon after I entered my new relationship, we moved into together. Shortly after that, I learned my partner was a severe alcoholic. It slowly ruined our relationship financially, emotionally, sexually, and ruined us both as individuals. He became abusive in almost every way but physically (with the exception of two episodes), and I lost all sense of self confidence and self worth. I went from being a size 2 to a size 10 in a matter of a few months because I did nothing but work, eat, and sleep. I stopped talking with all of my friends, regardless of how close. We were together (for the first time) for almost 3 years. During which time, I suffered two incredibly significant losses. The first was a wonderful friend of mine, whom lost his battle to cancer at the age of 22. The second loss was severely more significant.... My very first love, my very first true best friend, committed suicide shortly before he turned 23. My partner did not allow me to grieve at all for my losses, in fact he even became outraged when I tried to talk to him about them. After I found out my friend had passed from cancer, I started crying uncontrollably in bed one night. My partner started to comfort me and asked me what was wrong. When I told him I was grieving for my friend his response was "Really? You're crying over another man? Then go out to the living room. I don't want to have to listen to this s**t." When I heard the news about my first love, I was absolutely devastated.. I had uncontrollable crying outbursts, horrific nightmares of witnessing the suicide where I would wake up screaming in a cold sweat and practically jumping out of bed. When I tried to speak with my significant other about this loss, he became even more outraged. When I told him I wanted to attend the funeral he absolutely lost his mind. He even offered me an ultimatum. He told me if I attended the funeral, he would kick me out of our home and my son and I would be homeless. So I didn't go.... Eventually, our relationship came to an end and we were separated for a little over a year. During that year, I enrolled in college which my partner never "allowed" me to do, I lost all of the weight I had gained from depression, I made a lot of new friends (when my partner never allowed me to go out or see friends), and I was doing well. Then my partner contacted me again.. At this time my living circumstances were not ideal to say the least. My partner had promised me he had stopped drinking completely on weekdays and said he barely drank on weekends. He promised he would let me see my friends and spend time with them and he promised we could have a baby soon. In a moment of weakness I agreed and moved back in with him. We have now been back together almost 7 months... At first he wasn't drinking and doing well. Gradually however he continues to drink daily, granted not nearly as much as he used to. He said it was ok ONE time to go spend time with some friends, and after that we were in a vicious fight which lasted over a week. I have since went from a size 0 back to a size 8 in the last 3 months as a result of binge eating due to my depression. Also, I am not pregnant and he has since told me he doesn't want a baby in the near future. My hours were cut at work to top it off and now I work only about 5 hours a week. I've been trying for months now to find a new job with no results.. And a few weeks ago, my car was repossessed.... I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do.. I continue to push forward with the job search but I am becoming hopeless.