Hello,

I hope this is the right place for this post-I think it may be in some respects-it is in regards to a relationship, a friendship specifically.

I don't know if other people who have issues with depression have had problems with others' emotions really affecting them, especially people you know well, such as close friends.  I have been having increasing problems lately with this.  It just seems to be getting worse over time.

I feel like, and I have said this to my therapist, that some of my friends are impacting and worsening my own mental health.  To be clear, I know that I am not perfect and that I am playing a role in the enmeshment/dependency that is occurring.  I am guilty of some of the very things that I am complaining about.  Still, the situation poses a significant problem for me.  I think, to some extent, I am overly dependent on some of my friends because they have taken on the role of family, as mine is very dysfunctional. So, I will ask these friends for favors, such as to pick me up at the hospital in the past when I have needed it, or to crash a their place for a few days after surgery.  Not often, but on of a couple of occasions this one friend in particular has done this for me. It's much safer than going to my parents' house, as there is a lot of domestic violence and drinking over there, so it's just safer.

Anyway, I think that I am starting to digress.  The problem is, that for this particular friend and her cousin (I am friends with both her and her cousin and a friend of the family) I feel like the situation is really unbalanced. I know that I need to find other friends and activity partners outside of these friends, and I have been meeting some people and doing some hangouts, but nothing has stuck. It's imbalanced, because I feel like I am in the role of 'unpaid psychiatrist.'

Both of these friends, and especially one that I am close to, seem to have unrelenting, overwhelming psychological problems that I just can't handle anymore. I didn't realize that my friend was this unhealthy when I met her. She has incredible anger issues, hates men with a passion, and is a victim. When I started getting help and got to therapy, I had some of these traits in myself and had to own them and try to get past them. The more I've owned my negative attitudes and tried to work past them, the further and further away I feel from her.

I feel like I am at my wits' end.  I had called her last week, and for some reason we wind up in very long phone conversations. Like two hours. I'm not sure how this happens. She's been out of town for a month, and was on the road, but was home for the evening. I had called her back because I said I would.  She had gone to Europe and then came back to the states for a road trip. There are things that I like about her, as that's why I'm her friend. I was enjoying listening about the adventures and travels, and then it started up:  "God hates me, he is laughing at me. I haven't been able to find another boyfriend since I was 22. (she's 55).  There is something wrong with men. They are all liars. I just don't understand men. This man was hitting on me and I didn't like him...it's because God is laughing at me, that's why he's sending me the wrong men...none of my prayers are answered...I've been celibate for years....I'm so angry...my life is a sad state of affairs...etc.." The endless loop.

As I was sitting there listening to this, the thought entered my mind: "I can't do this anymore, I just can't do it anymore."

I feel guilty and ashamed if I tell her  that I meet any men or go out on a date, like I am betraying her, and that if one of my relationships work out, she will be left alone to herself and her rage. My bigger fear is that I continue to date and break up as I have throughout my life. I do date here and there, but the relationships don't seem to stick. But, I just feel like I am breaking some 'code' or something, if I ever talk about the men or relationships in my life. I never admit to her if I am sexually active, it's like I feel like somehow it's going to upset her because she has a terrible relationship with men.  The monologues go on for hours. My head hurts and my stomach hurts when I get off the phone, and I start to wonder that if one of my dating relationships IS successful and does stick, in some perverse way she will be enraged and furious because hers never do. Lately, she's started to turn her complaint marathons to "things don't ever work out for me," to "things don't ever work out for us." It's started to turn into "the world against us."

Her cousin, who is also a friend of mine, is the same. There are nights when I've come home from therapy, to pick up the phone for her cousin, to listen to ranting and screaming. I've literally heard ranting and screaming down the phone line from both of them.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Whether I continue to be single, or not, I don't think I can handle it anymore. To be fair, she does listen when I need someone to listen-when it comes to work issues-or if I just need to have someone to bounce things off of to make a decision-but I can't handle the repetitive nature of the woe is me and it's the same problem over and over and over, the entire ten twelve years I've known her.  Over the years, I've invited her to go out, to meet new men, to go to social events, have ALL been categorically shot down-one by one-with "God doesn't want this." I'm starting to think she's crazy.  She will only hang out alone and refuses to socialize together, which makes me super uncomfortable. She wants to go to other activities, however, "to meet and make friends with more women."  I'm not understanding the enforced isolation. She seems to hate people in general. If I talk about parties I've been to or other friends homes, she says, "Ew, parties, I hate parties."  To be honest, it makes me feel panicked and suffocated that she will only hang out alone but won't go out to events with me.  It makes me feel like she wants me to sit in isolation with her and that she really doesn't want me meeting anyone. In some ways I feel like hanging out with her or her cousin is like being with a child. 

I know I need to branch out and make new friends, not to abandon her, just to have more connections, but it's really hard. Some women who have expressed interest in friendship have turned out to want to date me. I'm not a lesbian, so that does not work out if they are looking for a relationship.  Friendship is fine though, I don't discriminate.  Or, the new person flakes out, and after a few hangouts just sort of falls off.

I don't know what to do. I think my social life is a little limited and could be best helped/served by adding in some new acquaintances as I feel depressed and isolated some of the times we hang out and talk.  She refuses to join me in other activities that could God forbid involved other people or something that doesn't suit her.  And I don't want to cut her off as she's helped me a lot and we have mutual friends, but this is too much.  She also talks a lot about the se*ual abuse that's gone on in her family, the inappropriate relationship between her step-sister and brother, and I just can't handle the details.  It makes me sick to my stomach. And then calls me to complain about why she can't get them in the same room together. Or if we just go see a movie, I know the question, "How are you?" afterward will bring on an onslaught of what is going wrong in her family of origin. It's like the price to pay just to hang out or see a movie, or whatever.  She then complains that her life sucks and that she needs to move because friends in her life just "don't respond to her," and "never get together." 

I don't know what to do and I feel sort of trapped.