Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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nobody000 05/14/2012

I am feeling so low lately I don't have any purpose in life I disociate all the time and its driving me crazy I am so confused all the time I don't know what the hell I'm doing I feel spaced out a lot of the time I am not living I am going through the motions I just don't know if i can anymore
so i have A PLAN I have an ed I take 12 ex lax everyday I have to drink a lot of water to keep hydrated but I am thinking about stopping drinking all together if i don't eat and don't drink my potassium levels will drop or I will just dehydrate either way if its bad enough chances are it will kill me and nobody will know I wanted to die they will think it was accidental and it was my ed and not suicide I don't think I actually want to do this but I have given it a lot of thought I have started drinking less but I am still drinking it worries me that I'm having these thoughts I don't want to think like this but I feel so useless hopeless and worthless one thing that has helped me in the past is to help someone else I figered if I can't help myself I can help others but I'm not very good at that either I want to help people I'm just not very good with words I joined this site because I wanted to help but I reply ed to like one post because I just don't know what to say to people the one person I did reply to sent me a message to thank me and said I gave her some good advice and she was going to do what I suggested which made me happy for a while because I felt like I helped but every time I read something today I can't seem to take in what I am reading and can't reply and feel shit because I can't help

This post has gone way off what I was posting origanaly that's the weird way in which my head works though if your reading this and managed to get this far I am so sorry if I've confused the hell out of you

crzychik 05/14/2012

you didnt confuse me. my sister went through the same thing just about before she gave up permanently. please keep drinking water and i know its difficult but try to get back to eating, slowly. it does feel good to help others. just try to keep going and are you on any meds?

nobody000 05/14/2012

Hi yes I am on medication for depression and anxiety

deleted_user 05/14/2012

hey girly, please keep drinking water. Discociation is a tough thing. I've been there and I've come out the other side. It took a lot of time and a lot of work, but I did it. If you have come this far, please don't stop now. I know there can be a lot of backslides. Sometimes its three steps backward for every step forward, but eventually you will start gaining ground. Keep reaching out and hang tough girl.
Your in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
babysnuggs

nobody000 05/14/2012

Thank you both so much I am still drinking at the moment not as much but still enough I am worried I might stop but right now I haven't

Empathy66 05/14/2012

I feel so so sad reading your post as it has bought back memories of what i used to do as a teenager, I'm 46 now.
I too took loads of laxatives regularly, and sorry to those reading this..... but it was so bad i was afraid to pass wind it case that wasn't all i passed if you get my drift. It came out of me like muddy water.
I'm guessing you've felt faint at times and thought you would pass out. When you pass out your body relaxes....
They will know and work out the reason if you died.

The long term effects of this is that your bowels will work less efficiently in the future, they become lazy.
I suffer with IBS irritable bowel syndrome and I'm often constipated.
You need to be honest with the doctor who is giving you the tablets for the depression and the anxiety.
I don't know whether you have thought of this, but the medication will not be working properly as its going in one end and coming out the other! Its not having time to be absorbed into your body, which is why your still feeling suicidal.

MeggieLizzie 05/14/2012

Like others have said, please drink plenty of water. Also, taking that many laxatives is probably causing a lot of damage, and you should talk to your doctor about what you're doing. I would think that your doctor would suggest that you cut down on the amount of laxatives you're taking and would probably give you instructions on how to do so.

Physical health often affects mental health. I think that your eating disorder and laxative abuse may be affecting your mental health? Perhaps, your mental health may possibly improve if your physical health improves? Are you receiving treatment for your eating disorder?

I'm sure you have a purpose. Try to find it.
Perhaps, helping people is your purpose?
Lately, I rarely know what to say on here because my medical condition is affecting me so much. It's extremely difficult for me to interpret what I'm reading, but somehow, I'm doing it. Sometimes, I focus on one sentence at a time. I can hardly take it in and will often have to reread what I just read. Maybe you can try this?

You said that you don't want to go through with causing yourself to become dehydrated, but you said that you currently drink less than you used to, which is a behavior I would be concerned about. You need to tell your doctor about wanting to cause yourself to become dehydrated.

The death of a loved one is absolutely overwhelming. I know it's extremely difficult to keep going, but don't give up. There is hope and your life will improve.

I'm not very confused from reading this, but I am a little more confused than usual because of the lack of punctuation.

I hope something I said was helpful to you, and I hope you'll feel better soon. Hugs

deleted_user 05/14/2012

Not confusing at all. That was totally relateable. I go through the exact same things with wanting to help people, and feeling like my advice is just meaningless guesses. Part of that is due to the emotional numbness that depression causes, which in turn causes you to feel nothing- no CONVICTION- for the things you say and believe, so that your beliefs feel like purely mental, cold, distant theoretical things you only agree with, because you SEE that they're right- rather than FEELING strongly that they're right. It's okay, though. That doesn't make you a bad person. It's not a character defect. It's depression. I'm in a sexual abuse survivor support group and half the time, when I read people's stories, I feel so numb and desensitized that I mentally assent that it's sad and evil what happened to them. If you're like me, though, just occasionally something finally gets through, and the emotions are overwhelming and frightening to the point you choke back the tears and stifle them, because they feel like they're gonna make you lose control. Maybe it's not the same for you, though. You may have a different variation, but basically some of the same problems.

deleted_user 05/14/2012

I was in a really bad state of depression, tried to take my life more than once and im happy i didnt succeed now. I was hospitalized for depression/ptsd and I had this wiered thing where when i looked in the mirror it was as if it was another person....i have bad days now but maybe only once per week. Please see this through, talk on here thats whats its for...dont feel as though youre alone...i felt so alone at the time and felt nobody understood , fact is there are peole who want u to get better and you will. Take a walk, read a book, have a bath...do anything to take your mind of hurting ourself....phone a friend :) hugs

nobody000 05/14/2012

Thank you all so much for all the help and support I have never felt so understood and not judged nobody gets me at all I have always felt so alone

I have thought about going to my doctor but I am to afraid and ashamed to tell her what is going on I have a mental health nurse I have spoke to her a little about it but have not mentioned the ex lax I have told her I have issues with food I will try and talk to her I think there's more chance of me telling her than my doctor but I'm not seeing her again until next month
Maybe my purpose in life is to help people and that's what I really want to do I'm just not very good at it and always think what I say to someone is not good enough advise I feel I'm not good enough to help someone and other people can help more
sorry about the lack of punctuation that's another thing I'm not very good at

Thank you all again x

Empathy66 05/14/2012

I understand your ashamed, i was too, i never told my psychologist about making myself sick either, or physically harming myself.
But i know the other reason you don't want to tell, and that's because if you tell, it will mean you will get help and you will have to stop, and a part of you doesn't want to stop, but you have to because your slowly damaging yourself. You know that deep down.

You come across as a caring person because you want to help others. The world could do with more caring pple in it : ) So go get help ASAP!

deleted_user 05/14/2012

Please talk to a doctor or nurse. Praying for you to gain strength

Summerwind81 05/14/2012

You're not alone in this, there are so many people dealing with an ED combined with depression. Don't feel alone.

I agree that you definitely need to mention this to your doctor.

And in the meantime, keep drinking! If at all possible, at least back off the ex-lax? I have no experience with that particular ED, but I assume it's like any other, you're not going to stop just because we tell you to. But maybe do some research, look at what exactly it's doing to your body. That might be enough to help you at least cut back, you know?

People will know. I've had those thoughts too, but they would all know. But, more importantly, you would be GONE. Never have the chance to help anybody. What if there's a little person out there that you will have the unique opportunity to help down the road? You wouldn't be there to help him/her. They might end up like you...dead.

I don't mean this to sound harsh. I just think it's so much more helpful to focus on what can be done, instead of ending all possibility of ever doing anything. If that makes sense.

We're all here for something. I truly believe that. Sometimes we have to go through shit to figure out what that "something" is. But we all have a purpose, you have a purpose. And it's not to die of potassium-related heart failure in a puddle of poo!!!!!

Sorry to be gross...just trying to elicit a smile or a realization, either would be great.

HUGE hugs to you...I have so been there...but you can come out the other side healthy, confident and strong. I know you can.

Angel105 05/14/2012

A member of my family went through this. She felt her life was so out of control this was the only thing she could control. Please drink. Please talk to someone about this. The good news i can give you with a lot of support and help and her own inner strengh. Which she found deep within her, how i dont know. She started on her road to recovery. She is in a happier place in her life now. Please drink and ask for help from gp, anyone who you can talk to. Stay in contact with us on DS. There is hope for you and i know at the moment it doesnt feel like it. But there is hope. Hang in there. Gentle hugs

nobody000 05/14/2012

Thanks everyone

Empathy you are so right about part of me not wanting help because then I will have to stop part of me really does want to stop and be able to eat normally like everyone else but part of me thinks if I stop I'm going to gain so much weight and I don't think I can do it even though I know how much damage I am doing to myself
summerwind I don't feel so alone anymore since I came here but I did before I don't think what you said was harsh at all I think its what I need to hear and it made perfect sense
Angel thank you for sharing that with me i am so glad she is recovering and happy it shows there is hope
I am going to try and talk to my nurse next month when I see her I know how much damage I am doing to myself but I can't stop I'm so scared of gaining weight its the first thing I think about when i wake up in the morning I know I need help I am going to talk to someone I guess posting here was the first step now I just need to talk to my nurse about it I know I can't talk to the doctor

Thank you so much for your help and understanding x

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