Isn't it strange how we can miss even the things and people that make us feel bad. There's a quote bu Marianne Willliamson that I love and read sometimes so I remind myself I deserve better: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” I hope you get used to the light real soon. Best wishes

Good for you! I did that with my first husband and I know it is confusing and emotional. A leopard doesn't change its spots my mom would say. She went back with my stepfather after leaving him for the same reason and he just about beat her to death.
I think you need time to sort things out and realize you are stronger than you know. Do you have family you can rely on? Keep us posted and know I am thinking of you. Hugs

Good for you! You are badass for having the courage to do what so many others wish for but are never able to pull off.

You are, presumably, in a safe place I hope?

Are you involved with any counseling or in-person support group to help you through this transition and to allow you to gain perspective? Family and friends who are aware and supportive?

No matter how awful and traumatic it was at its worst, that relationship was (at one time) the most important one in your life. You are grieving that relationship (and need to let that process happen). It is a huge loss and will take time and lots of self care to work through that. I expect your emotions are raw and real and probably very all over the map.

Just like in AA, taking this one day at a time is a good strategy to keep things from getting even more overwhelming than they already are. Find some things that are short but relaxing/enjoyable - read for a little while, make something, write about what your hopes are, and going for a walk outside is almost never a bad idea.

may the force be with you, Wendi

I can relate. I recently did the very same thing. It's very confusing. My advice is trust your gut. Get a workbook that helps build your self esteem by changing your thoughts. I'm working through Ten Days to Self Esteem by David Burns. If you didn't go through a local organization for help, seek help there. The one here offers free counseling and it has been invaluable. I got a job very quickly and that was incredibly helpful. I can't bring myself to take the next steps yet - filing for divorce. I know regardless of my irrational thoughts, I'm not going back but I can't bring myself to go there yet. I still have trouble understanding that I wasn't the problem. I need to work on me and build my confidence. I'd bet you feel the same way. Find a support group. I moved to a new city and stumbled across Celebrate Recovery. It's very different from the group in the big city. They share hope in the midst of their hopelessness. It's been three weeks and I really love it. They have meetings all over the world almost every night of the week. Support group, job and the best advice someone has given me - give yourself space. I find myself constantly working on solving problems, getting better, getting over the humps. I need space. I need to just sit with this and not rush things. We may have very different personality types but those are the things that have helped me. I wish you luck, hope and safey.

Be proud of yourself for working up the courage to leave and actually following through. You deserve better. Stay strong!

Just briefly, I think you are better off without someone who is abusive to you. That took a lot of guts. Are you depressed an anxious because you miss him or because of your new life and how that is working out? financial stuff, loneliness...? I don't know but maybe you could see a counsellor for awhile to work through this time of transition. I'm really glad you left someone who was mean to you.

Thank you, all of you for your advice and support! My son and I are staying at my parents house - I told them everything and they support me. I will definitely try to find support group meetings in my area - I think seeing others in my situation will help me. I also kept a journal of everything he's done so if I need to I have some kind of proof if legal action is ever needed.

I still have to pinpoint where my anxiety is stemming from but its the worst at night, the other night I only got three hours of sleep because of my tossing and turning and waking up from bad dreams. As soon as I find a counselor I can afford I will definitely be setting up appointments. That step will have to wait for now so I can save up some money first.

I think what I miss is the person he was in the beginning - not the person he eventually showed me. There was some happy times and he is the father of my son so that is the part of the relationship I am grieving. I just have to keep in mind that this will be best for my son and myself in the long run.

Wow that is so amazing, good for you. There is hope now. I am still in an abusive relationship. You will have mixed feelings but they will pass. You have done the hard part. Be kind to yourself