Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hello, I was referred here to see if maybe this will help... So I'm going to give it a shot.
I guess I don't know what to say so I'll just say my entire story. Minus some details for time.
I've always been quiet... And had a difficult time meeting people and making friends. Likely due to having social anxiety disorder. Never had many friends my entire life.
Anyways, joined the Marines right after high School. Met a girl... Got married too early. She ended up cheating on me, so I left her and went back home. (I had left the Marines at this point).
After that, I guess I just sorta shut myself off from the world. Everyone I had known no longer lived there, so I was alone. But I also didn't have any interest in even trying to meet anyone.
I secluded myself, for years. I would go to work come home and stay inside all night until work the next day.
I eventually became depressed... But I didn't realize it at the time. About 7 years passed... And I had no friends, knew nobody, and would avoid family at all costs if possible. Eventually I got to where I didn't even care about work. Which ended up costing me my job.
For the next 2 years I fell even further. Would socialize even less. Became more and more depressed, couldn't get a job... And felt hopeless.
I finally gave in, and wanted to kill myself.
Thankfully someone I knew from the Marines offered me a place to stay... So I moved that night about 1500 miles away to try and start over.
Things didn't get better. I got a decent job, but every day I just kept realizing how alone I was, and how few people I knew and could talk to... And it totaled 1 person.
So... I tried killing myself one day. Failed miserably. I am pretty sure I knew I would, and didn't want to go through with it, but I don't know. I had talked to a crisis line... They called someone and I was taken to the hospital.
I got put on antidepressants and started seeing a therapist.
It hasn't helped.
I've been alone basically my entire life. I've tried to not be... Time and time again... And always failed. I shut down for a while, but since then I've tried so hard... Talked to so many people for advice and help. But nothing ever changes.
I always end up alone. And every time I fail, it hurts worse than the previous time.
I've been told how "nice" or "sweet" or "caring" I am... By I think literally everyone. But yet they never seem to care about me. No matter what I do. And it just ends up with me being alone again with nobody to talk to.
I guess I just feel like it's not worth trying anymore.
I just keep hurting myself with all the failures.
It feels like I'm slowly drowning in the ocean. And whenever I try to swim to shore, I get pulled back by the tide... Only to find myself further from shore than I was before.
It feels like I don't have the energy to do it anymore.
I feel like my only hope is for someone to throw me a rope and pull me in.
But I can't find that person.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. My heart feels so broken that it can't be fixed.
I don't want to be alone anymore... I try so hard... But I can never be happy.
I'm the type of person that cares about others... I don't like myself... But I can't stand seeing others unhappy. I do anything to help someone, or to make them happy. But I can't make myself happy.
More than anything in life... I just want someone who cares about me... Someone I can lay my head in their lap, and just cry.
But every single night, I lay in bed alone and think about how I just can't ever have it.
I hurt so bad... And it scares me more every night. I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't know what to do. I hear the same thing from everyone I talk to... And I try so hard.
But it only makes me feel worse...
I want to give up. It would hurt so much less... I know it's selfish... But nobody has ever shown me they care about me... So why shouldn't I be selfish...
I can't keep going alone.
You've been beaten down often? I can see that and I can see how you keep on going after the beat down. It's perspective. How many people would have already given up and not seek help? Too many. You still have hope that things will change. You are still searching but are overwhelmed with feelings of despair? You do not have those feelings all the time right? There were moments of satisfaction and happiness that we all forget about when the despair is knocking on our doors.
Pick up those moments of satisfaction like a pebble and carry them (figuratively) in your pocket. Pull them out when despair comes knocking. Let the feelings from those pebbles fill you. Pretty soon you will be weighted down by the feelings of happiness and not despair.
I feel what your saying. And know lonliness and the depressions that we speak of on here. I hope you can find a small bit of solace and on here , and maybe an unseen friend, even if its just a few encouraging words.
I am not online here much but i do know that there are some caring people on here. One thing that we still have is hope. And yes we do matter.
I am so confused though when I hear, medication, therapy....I have tried it all. Why continue doing the same thing over and over when it doesn't work? Is that what they say is the definition of stupidity?
To me, all doctors go by the same book. If you are lucky enough for it to work for you, great. If not, are we to spend our whole lives like this?
The one hope I see, is that if there are so many of us feeling this way, can't we get together and be our own group of friends? Isn't there something like AA for us?
I send you a big hug, I am in unity with your pain.
After lot of research, I'm thoroughly convinced antidepressants are not the way to go. They're more likely to INCREASE your suicidal feelings than help you at all. All that medication can really do for depression is mute your emotions; make them flat, instead of up and down. This is not healthy or helpful at all if you ask me. However, I understand why you and others in your situation feel the need to take them: because there is no one person there to help them.
Redhen16 is absolutely right on this one. You need the joy of God in your life. This cures depression, anxiety, loneliness, suicidal thoughts, and all of the above! Do you know why? Because it clarifies our PURPOSE in this life. If you're not aware of your true purpose here on earth, how are you going to feel wanted and needed?
"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you..."
~1 Peter 5:7
Tim if you would like to message me, I would be more than happy to talk to you some more :)
I need to know
I matter...
And in turn I feel I will pass it on to you...
Because You Matter!
Even if you don't feel like it ....
From everything I see around me...it doesn't look like I matter...but I still tell myself.... I do.
At this moment I am trying to find out "to whom" I matter to.... because it will be Mother's Day & it will come & go with no cards, flowers or calls.....
But even though it looks as if I don't matter....
I still tell myself.... I do.