Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hello, I was referred here to see if maybe this will help... So I'm going to give it a shot.
I guess I don't know what to say so I'll just say my entire story. Minus some details for time.
I've always been quiet... And had a difficult time meeting people and making friends. Likely due to having social anxiety disorder. Never had many friends my entire life.
Anyways, joined the Marines right after high School. Met a girl... Got married too early. She ended up cheating on me, so I left her and went back home. (I had left the Marines at this point).
After that, I guess I just sorta shut myself off from the world. Everyone I had known no longer lived there, so I was alone. But I also didn't have any interest in even trying to meet anyone.
I secluded myself, for years. I would go to work come home and stay inside all night until work the next day.
I eventually became depressed... But I didn't realize it at the time. About 7 years passed... And I had no friends, knew nobody, and would avoid family at all costs if possible. Eventually I got to where I didn't even care about work. Which ended up costing me my job.
For the next 2 years I fell even further. Would socialize even less. Became more and more depressed, couldn't get a job... And felt hopeless.
I finally gave in, and wanted to kill myself.
Thankfully someone I knew from the Marines offered me a place to stay... So I moved that night about 1500 miles away to try and start over.
Things didn't get better. I got a decent job, but every day I just kept realizing how alone I was, and how few people I knew and could talk to... And it totaled 1 person.
So... I tried killing myself one day. Failed miserably. I am pretty sure I knew I would, and didn't want to go through with it, but I don't know. I had talked to a crisis line... They called someone and I was taken to the hospital.
I got put on antidepressants and started seeing a therapist.
It hasn't helped.
I've been alone basically my entire life. I've tried to not be... Time and time again... And always failed. I shut down for a while, but since then I've tried so hard... Talked to so many people for advice and help. But nothing ever changes.
I always end up alone. And every time I fail, it hurts worse than the previous time.
I've been told how "nice" or "sweet" or "caring" I am... By I think literally everyone. But yet they never seem to care about me. No matter what I do. And it just ends up with me being alone again with nobody to talk to.
I guess I just feel like it's not worth trying anymore.
I just keep hurting myself with all the failures.
It feels like I'm slowly drowning in the ocean. And whenever I try to swim to shore, I get pulled back by the tide... Only to find myself further from shore than I was before.
It feels like I don't have the energy to do it anymore.
I feel like my only hope is for someone to throw me a rope and pull me in.
But I can't find that person.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. My heart feels so broken that it can't be fixed.
I don't want to be alone anymore... I try so hard... But I can never be happy.
I'm the type of person that cares about others... I don't like myself... But I can't stand seeing others unhappy. I do anything to help someone, or to make them happy. But I can't make myself happy.
More than anything in life... I just want someone who cares about me... Someone I can lay my head in their lap, and just cry.
But every single night, I lay in bed alone and think about how I just can't ever have it.
I hurt so bad... And it scares me more every night. I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't know what to do. I hear the same thing from everyone I talk to... And I try so hard.
But it only makes me feel worse...
I want to give up. It would hurt so much less... I know it's selfish... But nobody has ever shown me they care about me... So why shouldn't I be selfish...
I can't keep going alone.
I've hurt for too long.
Even today... I've been trying to talk to somebody, anybody. But nobody is willing to even listen to me, let alone try to help.
I shut myself off from the world... And that affected me a lot.
I'm beginning to think doing so has made it impossible for me to be myself ever again.
I'm here :)
"I shut myself off from the world... And that affected me a lot"
How so?
Also just a heads up you've come to the right but wrong place, right it says this is the depression group but no one comments ever.
I'm definitely here to help I've had my share of cut communications. Just message me any questions or concerns you have I might have an answer or support to help you.
It affected me because now I feel too lost. I don't think I can pull myself together on my own anymore.
I'm just so alone... I travel for work, which involves me staying in hotels all over the country every week.
I spend every single night alone, in a new place.
When I go home, I still don't know anyone. And I spend every night home alone as well.
It's been like this for so long, and the pain I feel is just too much now. It's built up for the past 10 years.
I try... I really do... But I fail... I know failure is normal... But I've failed my entire life.
It's just become obvious I can't do it alone, and simply talking to someone doesn't help me.
I cry myself to sleep nearly every night...
I don't care how it happens... I just want to somehow be happy... I don't think I can.
I get more terrified every day that I'm getting closer and closer to ending it.
And after failing last time... I know if I try again, I'll make sure I don't fail. And that scares me too.
I can relate to a lot of the things you are saying, I have trouble opening up to people because I'm afraid of losing some of the small menial friendships I have.
If you ever want to just talk to someone you can message me. I am a great listener...
I also try my hardest to try and make people happier ...especially when I am failing at helping myself...it's actually part of my job...
I have an open inbox if you'd like to open up to a person who is willing to listen and understand.
It makes me feel good in the moment...
But then I just end up at home alone anyways, and nothing else changes
Tim: you have major depressive disorder. You are alone BECAUSE of the disorder. You are not depressed because you are alone: you are alone because you are depressed. I am NOT fucking kidding you.
Every time you think it's the chicken and not the egg you fail to see the cause and you fail to see the cure. And that will go on till the day you die if you don't slap it around and get it together. ok?
Now: go to the doctor, get an antidepressant. You just don't have time to waste on this. Then, get a counsellor. And get a good one, and start going, and keep going.
You have been shy all your life. I was bullied all my life. Shy, lonely, isolated, good, caring, kind to animals. alone. alone, alone. Laughed at, bullied, teased.
it's a thing we bring on ourselves till we suddenly wake up and the light dawns and we think oooooh! We do it to ourselves. We have targets on our foreheads. We HAVE to deal with those targets.
Antidepressants meant that when i talked to people, I was unselfconscious. I didn' thave a massive anxiety attack that made me clam up like a weirdo. I just yabbered and didn't care if they were fascinated or excited or profoundly entranced n shit. I talked about what I was raised probably to consider as non things. Things only superficial nobodys thought about (mum was mentally ill and of course we didn't know it.) So I consider it outrageous luxury to talk about stuff like money, or farting. OMG. okay not farting. But money, or what I had for dinner. Or a movie I saw that didn't have Helen Mirren in it. Or beer I like. Or how much stockings cost. oh god. I no longer follow my rearing at all and I no longer care.
Talking isn't about educating or being interesting. it's just about interacting and being together. Doesn't matter what you say. Get some pills to take care of the incredible judged feeling you get. To take care of the waking up at 3am cringeing for the terrible crime of what you said, feeling. :)
You have to find your own you. You haven't. You haven't invested in you. Because you've had severe, ongoing depression possibly from very young. But when you get some pills in you (and I don't always tell people to get pills but I am pretty sure you're on your last legs) - just some mild pills, just an ssri or something - you'll change inside yourself. The sense of loneliness, of terror, of failure won't be there. They're chemical reactions to your depression.
You take the depression away and you just don't feel the bad stuff.
Anyway I'm yabbering, but DO AS YOU'RE TOLD YOUNG MAN or I'll ... i dunno. take away your pokemon. You're important. You're the only you there is. so get it sorted. :) and keep on talking on here. It's a wonderful place. We're all in the same boat.
I do talk to a therapist...
I understand that going out and fixing it would be a solution.
I've tried... Over and over...
But I can only fail so many times before I don't want to try anymore
I try to talk to people, I know what I want to say, but I can't say it.
I tell myself it's simple... Just say hello to begin with...
But I can't even do that.
Unless someone approaches me, and talks to me, I can't do it.
And even then, I'm incredibly awkward, and never have anything to say. I want to... But I don't. In my head it is simple, but it doesn't translate to my mouth.
So I try, and fail... Every time
When attention is brought to me, it gets even worse... If someone brings up that I'm not saying anything, and tells me to, it makes me immediately want nothing more than to be gone. I get embarrassed, scared, nervous...
It's so difficult because I want nothing more than to be with people and not be alone... But that is the one situation my body doesn't allow me to be in
I am here
I am your friend
I am listening
To whom?