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I cried today, pulling the covers up.

lacymenzies
lacymenzies
My son called me from Montana today. I can't take back the past. I can't change it. I hate myself. What do I need to do? Somethings you just can't undo. And you can not help children to understand no matter how old they are. How do I explain I couldn't live with his father anymore...26 years ago! He was a controlling and passive aggressive man. He wouldn't "let me" wear make up. I had a Cosmo magazine one time and he blew a gasket saying it was "changing me." He would flirt with waitresses right in front of me, and to strip bars until midnight instead of coming home at night. I couldn't be happy like that. I left him. He battled me through my children and my four children pay the price. Talk about parental alienation. He screwed with their minds.
No matter how much money I make, no matter how many degrees I have, no matter how good a person I am I can't change the past. My son that called today called to tell me about his depression and how he is coming clean with everyone that hurt him in this arduous process of physical and emotional divorce. My ex married a women that would punish him by telling him he had a bad spirit, that he was possessed, that he had a demon, that he was bad and sinful and put him in his room and make him read Bible versus until he memorized pages and pages. It was abusive. It was abusive. I fought hard against my ex for years. Now that the kids are all over 18 I was hoping it was over with. But still the mental torment for my children and myself. I take the blame because I chose to leave a man that was abusive, controlling and possessive. But because I am a women...and made a choice of my own I am the bad guy. I love my children. I fought against that monster for years...and yet he has called me names and bashed my name all these years. They see who I am and they hear what they have heard. They know me and yet they can't go against their dad. It hurts. IT hurts IT HURTS!!!!!!!! Me and them...I don't want them to hurt. I don't want to hurt.
soulsearcher83
soulsearcher83
I'm sorry you and your children had to endure that. And I'm sorry your son has depression. I hope he's in therapy. I don't understand people who do that to children. Any chance you could visit him, have dinner and just talk?
whatswrong19
whatswrong19
It's horrible to see your children suffer. I believe you did the right thing. It sounds like it was your ex that caused so much pain to you and your children. And if you had stayed in that they would have suffered even more and would have believed that this sort of abuse was acceptable. By leaving you taught them it was not acceptable. I think you have done everything you could to help them and sounds like you still are. Therefore you have nothing to be punishing yourself for. The pain is in watching them suffer, but that doesn't mean you are to blame.
Heidiclark
Heidiclark
First of all this isn't your fault. You did what you had to do for both yourself AND your children. And most kids eventually learn to accept their parent's divorce. You are being made out to be the bad guy which is affecting your relationships with your kids. Hopefully you can talk to your kids and get them to understand what it's like for YOU. They need to understand the dynamics that are in play here and how much damage your ex is doing to all of you.
bridgie101
bridgie101
As a mother, and a wife and a daughter of divorce I'd say let it go.

You have to let this go, and be present with your children. Be now. leave the past behind you all, so that you can focus on now, and what is needed now. If your son' needs to talk to you now, let him. Let it all happen.

But don't think that it means anything about tomorrow.

Your kids will know what they think, even when they haven't the strength to start a war with a parent, they will still hold their own opinions and kids are very sensible. They will have good ideas. You just keep on being sane and rational and logical and reliable, and showing that you love them - and there will be nothing in the world that will be able to take that away.

You are their mother. That creates a bond that only you can break. So don't fear anyone else has broken it: and keep on keeping on. :)
gramybear
gramybear
Your story just tears at my heart. What you had to endure, living with a narcissistic egomaniac would be impossible for any woman. I'm just sorry it had to be you. What saddens me is that you are still apologizing for what HE caused, the pain HE caused, the abuse YOU had to endure and the abuse YOUR children had to endure. And then to be around a step mother that was equally as evil. Have the 3 of you ever gone to therapy together? If not, I would highly recommend you find someone that can relate to your story, and preferably a man. I say man, because it sounds like your sons are still trying to please their dad at all costs and they need to have a man in their life, even once a week, that can show them that ALL Men are not like that and how he has treated them, and you, is not normal. How can you possibly blame yourself for leaving an abusive relationship? It would have been abusive if you and your children had stayed. How were you to know that he was going to marry someone just like himself? A narcissistic abuser? There is no way to change the past but you can start a new book of happy memories with your children and yourself. Don't give up accomplishing that. PLEASE don't let this man destroy you for one more second. Please.... Hugs
billwfriend
billwfriend
yup just hugs from me because I dunno things like this at all....no kids of my own
juanmoreau
juanmoreau
Firstly can I say you sound a strong yet sensitive woman, but there is only so much someone can take on their shoulders. I feel your ex, who possibly has a lot of deep issues has passed his pain onwards, let's hope he finds happiness. Secondly, you need to give yourself a break, cut some slack. This is not your fault. You are not to blame. Your son will heal, with time. And you will too. Get your glad rags on and go out for a meal, by yourself. That way you get to go exactly where you want, eat exactly what you want and talk to whomever. You are a beautiful woman, so let the waiter spoil you. Spoil yourself, just a little. Big hugs
survivor69
survivor69
HOPING THINGS GET BETTER 4 U HUN'....................
GBU
DRENA B
;-O
sedgwick4914
sedgwick4914
When I was a young adult, I once gave my dad a hard time for divorcing my mother when in fact it was my mother had cheated on him. Although he did react angrily towards me, he never did bring up my mother's infidelity although I know that that was the source of his pain and anger. The story of your son sort of blaming you for the divorce reminds me of me talking to my dad that time. Sorry that your son said those things. He is processing his pain and not seeing the whole picture in making you feel bad.
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
Sometimes (and especially with us guys) very short factual statements made without an effort to get 'on-the-spot' resolution is a good way to go.

What you wrote is very compact, very powerful. Normally people advise against trash talking your ex, but in your case it might be necessary to 'fact talk' him. Something like this: (from your words)

"He was a controlling and passive aggressive man. He wouldn't "let me" wear make up. I had a Cosmo magazine one time and he blew a gasket saying it was "changing me." He would flirt with waitresses right in front of me, and go to strip bars until midnight instead of coming home at night."

Then add a simple question: "Do you really think that was a good environment for you children and me to live in?"


Then let them think about it for a while.

But be careful when doing something like this. Once spoken (or written) it is done, no taking it back.
Diane-M
Diane-M
Huge hugs to you.
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