Yesterday I talked to my mother on skype and she asked me how I'm doing. It's interesting because it was one of the few times where she apparently wanted an honest answer. So I said I'm lucky because I have everything I could wish for at the moment but I'm not that happy. So she asked why. So I said "well, I don't know. I always have to get up so early in the morning."
A lie, I know. But she believed it. The truth would be that I have chronic depression. That I might always feel this way. Or perhaps even better, my ex boyfriend threatened to kill me and I still worry about ever seeing him because we live in the same city.
There was a time when I wanted her to know how I felt but her reactions were quite off-putting. I'm young so I can not know what is real, I can't have any real problems because of my seemingly sheltered existence and my "loving" family. Depression isn't real. It's all in your head. Yk what else is in your head? Your brain through which you perceive every aspect of the reality surrounding you. The only reality anyone ever gets is a subjective one. (Which hopefully to big parts includes objective reality). Your whole fucking reality is in your head, mom. <- that was what I said as a teenager. According to my mom, a very difficult child, very irrational. Funny she put it that way.
My point is that she insulted me for being who I am and then ignored my reactions to that and now she feels I'm unfair to her for not wanting too much intimacy.
She can't take the blame. Did the best she could she says. It may just be not knowing what is healthy for a child or teenager or how to raise kids. Maybe it's just the casual abuse that happens when you're unhappy and stressed. Whatever it is, I feel it is less powerful after I name it. (And then never say it to her because communication is not how this "relationship" is going to work)
Is my sexual abuser ( my father) capable of loving me in your opinion? I used to think as a kid my dad buying me sweets everyday after school was a treat, him treating me, showing he liked to treat me but now i realise looking back it was used to shut me up and keep me buttered up. I look back at small things he used to do for me that i considered him showing me fatberly love were all now just...
I have made friends online recently with a police officer. She used to be diagnosed with bpd like me but is now slot more stsble abd is a police officer. I have always wanted to work in emergancy services as it looks goid fun and keeps u on ur toes. She has inspired me to get stable and train as a paramedic. Now this may take a few years before i can apply to do the training but its my new focus....