I have suffered with major depression since I was 15, I have tried all types of medication and its not really for me, not saying others shouldnt due it, my belief is what ever works for you, that is what you should do.

Major trauma mixed with different types of abuse is what I suffer from, ptsd, anixety, adhd and major depression, its so difficult because it is this line that I walk daily and I can be fine but one thing can knock me down especially if it is a major trigger such as moving, I have lived in the same house for seven years and I tried to buy it and it fell through a few months ago now I have to leave I have 7 days, today I really thought about suicide but could never due it only because of my cats why really scared me is that I pictured myself giving them to a lady who runs a cat rescue and lying to her saying I just need her to take them until I find a place ( which would be the last time I would ever see them) because right after that I would finally do what I have been thinking about all of these years to finally for once have peace in my life.

I keep telling myself this shall pass ( which I know it will it always does), and try and think of the positive things that can come out of this move, but the only place I have to move into is with a guy who is a friend of mine but have had sketchy things in the past with him and to be quite honest he sometimes creeps me out.

I have noone to talk to about how I am feeling, if I call a hotline I am scared they will send police to my house, if I tell my medical doctor she will definetly commit me ( but I did make a telehealth appointment with her tomorrow thats how bad it got today for me) , my thearpist is on vacation, so I am left to fight this shit on my own, I thank you for having this format to vent and have like minded people, its so good to know that I am not alone because honestly thats all i feel is that I am alone as I have always been my whole life.

Plus I started a new job two weeks ago that is very demanding, and my brother has always had health issues, but he was told last week he now has stage 4 kidney diease, so I dont want to even bother him with any of my problems.

I have to say I really do want to die, but I wont just yet, I pray tomorrow I will feel just a little better enough to be able to funtion, I have been so good lately, but like I said when we suffer with depression its always that fine line that at any giving minute you can cross and completely lose everything.