Rock bottom is a horrible place to be. It's not so much to ask for a hug, sounds like he is in a bad place though. Hugs are very few & far between in my life, especially from loved ones & even more so when I really need them. Patience & Understanding are the best tools, not that they help me, but I know now it helps them.

Please just know you are not alone, others out here understand those frustrations.

I hope things start to get better for you soon xx

I know when I am depressed it is hard to take criticism, mostly because the depression filter makes it worse. I do not mean to be unkind, but rather than tell him he makes you feel like he does not need you (negative words) give him a hug, tell him you are glad you have him, and that you know you two can get through things.

He may feel like he does not matter, and reaching out to others when one feels low can be a very risky thing. (That is, we risk getting rebuffed, and that may hurt too much.)

Please don't feel guilty. He might be the one with depression, but he is not the only one suffering. Depression affects the entire family, especially a spouse. You need support and love just as much as he does. A hug is not asking for much, but unfortunately when you are depressed it can be hard, even scary, to emotionally connect with others. It's not uncommon for a depressed person to push away their loved ones. It really sucks though and I'm sorry. Everyone needs reassurance and you deserve it. So I will tell you what your husband can't or won't. His depression has nothing to do with you or your value as a wife or mother. And when he pushes you away instead of giving you the comfort you need, it's not your fault. You are an amazing person for sticking by your husband even when it feels impossible.

It sounds like you are really struggling with feeling powerless to help him. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I think it might be a good idea. You need support and guidance on how to deal with your husband's depression, not to mention just someone you can vent to and not feel guilty. They can teach you coping and communication skills that could really help both you and your husband. A support group for family members of depressed people might also be helpful. Is he seeing a therapist? If so, maybe you could request a sit down to discuss some of the issues you are having in your marriage. My therapist has done that with my husband and I (I'm the one with depression), and it was really helpful.

The most important thing is to take care of yourself. It's easy to lose yourself when you are taking care of someone else, but you need to have your needs met as well. The worst thing is to neglect yourself. Make sure you have a strong social support, go out with your friends, call a family member, etc. Carve some time out to nurture yourself. Maybe find a hobby. Write, draw, play music, however you express yourself. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, it will enable you to be able to support him better if you are not stressed out and neglected.

I hope you feel better soon. hugs

My exwife once told me, "It's not what you say, but how you say it!" In other words, if I raise my voice, that promotes a defensive reaction. if I blame my spouse, even indirectly for the way I feel, she will get defensive and be hurt by it. When I learned how to communicate better with my spouse, we got along better. For example, I began starting off sentences with, "I love you very much but, I am concerned about_____. such and such. I tried not to make my wife feel guilty in any way.

Hope that helps

God Bless

You say he has depression but I'm more inclined to say that you do. As to why, perhaps he's emotionally unavailable. He doesn't sound depressed tho. He's 100% in control. He's saying he has depression to control his environment and keep it exactly how he likes it: where all of his needs are being met and you are getting none of yours met.

In short you're being strung along. And YOU are the one with real depression.

Look at who has the power in your relationship. The guy with the power is not depressed.

And you're the one with no power to get your needs addressed.

Now, maybe you have worn him out with neediness and he's learned these methods to shut you down. In which case it's your fault. or you've married a guy who is spoiled and he is the only focus in his life, in which case it's his fault. I can't know this from here. But I do know the two of you need to start with some serious counselling.

Thank you everyone from kind and supportive and informative words. U have no idea how greatly they help.

We both see counsellor individually and as a couple and yes it is good to vent .

TBH sometimes I do think he "plays" on it slot more with me and when we are alone at home- I thought at first it was a bad thing- like it's his way of having control and seeing how far he can push me, but I have since learnt that he is at his worst with me and home alone because this is his safe place . Running our business needs him to have some kind of customer service and don't get me wrong he can't switch in on and off , even the work colleagues have noticed he's not really there much anymore...

So I do feel for him.

I do agree that my neediness has probably worn him down as I have no family members to turn to for even a conversation. I'm so glad I found this site tho because it has given me hope.

I found myself smiling yesterday and actually wanting to be his strength again which I haven't wanted to for awhile now.

I know I am on one extreme with NEEDING emotional connection and he is on the complete opposite side, doesn't need any... so I guess I'm just hoping that eventually we can kinda meet in the middle... together.

sorry for being an old bat. i do seem to be but I don't intend it. I had a husband who was an emotional concrete block, and I was in need of love. It never got off the ground for me, emotionally, in 17 yrs.

I felt obligated, I felt like a failure, I felt I was getting it all wrong. I felt my family judged me. In the end my sister said something to me. She said "everyone has a right to feel loved" and I thought "I haven't felt loved by this guy since 1994."

And I realised I didn't feel loved because I wasn't loved. And that was it.

No matter how depressed this guy is he needs to contribute something to the relationship. A hug now and then really isn't a lot to ask.

I see you both go to a counsellor separately and together-how long has this been for? I wonder if sometimes everyone gets stuck in the same old behaviours cos if the present is not working, a different present could be not working worse....I just dont want a lifetime of this for you-are either of you on any meds? I wish DS was like Facebook where you could give thumbs up to like another reply. Keep it up Thumpa! dinah xxx

Hugs. Not much more to say just now as my marriage is in a similar place but hugs!

Marriage is just tough.

I have had severe depression for 25 years and have never been able to do my share in my marriage.
Still I do as much as I can and always apologize for not being able to do more. You deserve the same at the very least.

wow I must say we have a way lot in common I get no attention it doesnt matter what is wrong with me my husband mike just flat out ignore me makes me feel awful like my feelings are not valiadated and that he just does not care one way orthe other I even asked him why dont you just throw me out then I would have to go to my family for help I truly believe he likes me here for what reason I dont know because when he is home it is like I dont even exist

I could be upset crying etc too and he just walks right by me and he doesnt even have an illness disorder etc maybe he is just sick of me I can tell you he sits there every night i posted a long journal sites there every night watches tv and says absolutely nothing to me I just wanted u to k now u r not alone and I will keep you in my prayers always LOL sis jan

Thank you guys! I'm sorry that a lot of u have either felt these feelings before or are dealing with the same things as what I am.... It's so comforting to know that we are not alone which validates that what we r feeling IS real...