Anna - supportive hugs. I hear you in your struggle and pain. You are not alone in the darkness. You have all of us from DS there to support you. Your job sounds toxic and unbearable. Retiring soon sounds like a great option. What else is bothering you? You say your job but that is the only stressor you mention. You will feel better talking about what is making you hate your life. Do you have a therapist?

I hear you.

Anna, I am sorry you are having a bad time. I retired from a hostile work environment. I am fighting to hold them responsible for their actions. I endured 5 years of abuse. There is a book you might find helpful: Mobbing-Emotional Abuse in the American Workplace. This is not someone’s story. It is based on a study done by a medical team. It’s the one book that I found that describes what I went through and has helpful information.

I agree with Thor, talking to a therapist can help you understand your feelings. Ending your life is not the answer. You matter and life can get better. I hope you can find the help that you need. Please feel free to message me if you need to talk. Hugs.

Thank you Thor and Secouya. I can tell you both understand what I am going through and that helps a lot. I do have a therapist who I talked to a few days ago. We talked about work and she gave me some ideas but I know that they won't work although I will try them. Yes, there are other things bothering me. My lack of support in my life, caring for a very elderly cat who I love dearly and am worried about and worrying about my elderly mom. My financial situation is not good and will get worse if I retire next month and my living situation is not stable. I also am struggling with my health and am worried about getting coronavirus at work esp. because the workplace is so unsafe. So, yea, I guess it's a lot.
That book you recommended, Secouya, sounds amazing. I am going to get it. It might help me understand what is going on at my job. I'm sorry you went through a hostile work environment also. It's awful because work is usually challenging enough and then you have people who you work with and spend much of the day attacking you in various ways. It's simply awful.
thank you again so much. I feel better than I did when I posted here.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can relate in every way to what you said, especially about the toxic job. I think if you can afford to retire early, go for it. Just be sure you have fulfilling things to spend your time doing afterwards. My thoughts and hopes are with you.

HI Anna, I've responded elsewhere to your journal posts. I understand the stress you are under now, caring for an elderly Mom and worrying about the future finances, as I too care for my elderly Mom and having to plan my budgets.

I am thinking that as you are working for the public service, can you ask to transfer elsewhere to another department within the public service where you can have less stress in a changed atmosphere.

Alternatively, there are lots of jobs in the transportation/postal delivery sector because people are shopping online now to avoid COVID exposure, so there would be many positions opened in the parcel delivery private sector. I think you would be suitable for these positions in the private sector given your wealth of experience.

Or you can ask your supervisor to allow you to take a little bit of your long service leave or sick leave to get treatment because you are unwell. Your supervisor would not have reason to deny you of leave given that so many people are unwell during this COVID season, that an employer would not want to be exposed to a sick worker at work. Perhaps a long rest would allow you time to think things over and plan your next move.

Hoping that you will feel better soon Anna.

Marie

Someone posted on one of these threads about this therapy site www.7cups.com Looks interesting. And since you mentioned books (I love books) have you searched Amzn for books on depression? Some of them get very good reviews. Lots to choose from.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know how unbearable the pain can be. And yes, it sucks when you call a crisis hotline and get someone who doesn't know how to handle the situation well. I once called in tears and the person wouldn't respond as I sobbed out what was going on; I asked him why and all he said was, "I'm not comfortable talking with emotional people." "Why are you in this field then?" I asked him. No response. Things are very uncertain right now with the pandemic, which adds a whole new layer of anxiety and depression for a lot of us. Please stay strong and feel free to message me if you need. You are an incredibly kind and compassionate person, and I hope things get better for you.

Hi Anna, i know what it’s like to feel such unbearable emotional pain. And I can relate to not being able to do basic day to day things. I haven’t showered in two weeks. That’s not an exaggeration. Often I don’t even brush my hair or change my clothes everyday. I know how hard it must be for you to stay at your toxic job. And worry about finances if you retire. Whatever you decide about retiring is the right choice for you. Trust your gut.
I’ve had similar experiences with the suicide hotline (and suicide text line). I’m glad too that this group of survivors and thrivers are here to support each other especially when we’re in the deepest depression. When I’m really in the depths of it, I try to do what I can to soothe or pamper myself. One of those things today was visiting this group. I needed support, and your post reassured me that I’m not alone. Thank you for that.