Wow, that sounds like a horrible place to be in. I wish I had some answers, do you have medicaid? is it something you can get?

Go To the Hospital! It will not cost you a penny! Every hospital in the USA is subsidized by the federal government and they must provide servises to anyone who is uninsured or underinsured and cannot afford to pay! It is as simple as filling out a simple form from the business office! Do not use inability to pay as an excuse to get medical treatment. It is freely available to all. They just don't want you to know it, that's all!

God Bless!

I remember writing to you before. I don't know if my written words can really convey the strength of emotions behind them but I know what you feel because I experienced the same thing.

Reading your words bring back that same pain I experienced. My pain/depression/suicidal thoughts lasted for a solid year and a half. The thing that compounded my pain was not having someone to hear or understand what I was going through.

I hear you keep asking the question - why?? - That's important because your pain may not be coming from anything external. It may be internal like my pain was. I was searching for an answer and only after I found the answer did my pain release. I was able to use that information to climb out of the pit of despair that I was in. It took another 2 years for me to stabilize. I had to release everything and everybody from my life. It was not easy but it was necessary for my survival.

I say that to say this - the journey is long. You have to realize that relief is not going to come overnight. Only you know how you feel. If you feel you need medical help, please go get it. If you feel something else is needed, don't feel embarrassed to do what you need to do. Yes, your kids need you but what will happen to them if you are not there permanently. Time away from them temporarily is worth it in order to get the help you need. Don't allow yourself to feel that you are not being a good mother or not being a good wife or not being reasonable. A reasonable person takes care of himself/herself. Certainly you have family members and/or friends who can take turns caring for your kids if you need it.

Please take care of yourself first. You can't take care of others until you are well.

How did you make it through without losing everything?

Mom4, are you taking any medicine? The state of mental health facilities is shockingly bad in this country. While there can be subsidized facilities, most are private facilities that are expensive. I do encourage you to seek treatment immediately. I recently had the same feelings and am feeling better with counseling, outpatient treatment, and antidepressants. Also, I encourage you to do a full blood panel that tests thyroid and hormone levels. My tests came back with low testosterone, low Vitamin D, low B12, and thyroid antibodies. Many endocrine problems can look just like depression. I take medicine for low testosterone, thyroid and antidepressants. After 6 months of testosterone treatment I am going to test my behavior without the antidepressants. There is new research in this area and I feel that you should seek all the information that you can. Also, the bed was my friend for 2 months, hiding from everybody (including my kids). I forced myself to seek treatment and found that I had multiple issues. I am slowing addressing these problems and have up and down days but am now out of my bed. Make sure you are getting good sleep. I've noticed that I have a bad day when I don't sleep. I started with Ambien (which I hated) and now take Valerian Root. It works great for me. I also understand that your mind feels broken right now. I also felt about reaching out to a mental health facility because it is immediate help. Today, you have to get a referral to a specialist and wait 3 weeks. It can seem like an eternity. Get through today and reach out for help. Start with a basic blood panel but have them test for everything. Move forward from there. Keep your head up, there is a light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you to feel better. I hope this helps.

Thank you. I am taking Lexapro, 10 mg. Called the doctor today and she recommended raising to 20 mg. I am also on hormone therapy (I am 49). I've never been this badly depressed in my life. The fatigue is overwhelming, I can barely get the minimum of tasks done in a day. I can't bare to socialize outside of my home. I am a shell of my former self of just 6 months ago. It is terrifying.

I am also on 10 mg of Lexapro with good success. I agree with the increase to 20 mg. However, keep in mind that Lexapro should be helping. If it's not, ask for an alternative. I find it interesting that you are on hormone therapy. It is probably one of the hardest things to treat and can be misunderstood from many doctors. Your hormones could be out of whack despite treatment. I don't know if you live in a small town or big city, but it took me three different doctors until I found an endocrinologist that really understood how to treat my issues. It was amazing how different my treatment paths were from each doctor. I am not questioning your doctor but if your treatment plan is not working, you need a new plan. Don't despair, treatment is supposed to have success. Almost all depression problems can be treated successfully. If it is not working, I think your problem could be hormonal. Find the right Doctor, even it means getting on a plane to the best doctor in your field. This is too important. Find a treatment plan that works for you. If the next plan doesn't work, go back and try another one. You'll find what you're looking for. Keep your head up and just keep working on it. I know you'll start feeling better even though it might seem miles away.

Hormone therapy? Are you by chance on the pill? I was on it in my early 50s and it was not good for me at all. I had severe depression and one day a month, the very same day each month, it literally made me crazy. When I talked to my gyn about it, he scoffed and said no way could it be the pill. Well, I took myself off the pill, continue my antidepressants and felt a whole lot happier and sane. Just a thought to consider.