I'm a bad person apparently now because I don't find time to call my mother. Hmmm. What would be the best way of communicating to her that she is not entitled to spend time with me whenever? Honestly social media make it so difficult to avoid some people. I just don't want to feel like shit, that's why I don't talk to her. Sometimes our conversations go well but for the most part I don't feel like I owe it to anybody to to suffer through her nagging and denial in my daily life. Maybe at some point she gave birth to me but that doesn't mean she gets to fuck up my life. I can do that myself. I just want space. I'm working towards good things and I can't have her around me too much because she's toxic too often. I can see her every now and then but even that is exhausting and toxic to my mental health. It's like talking to a wall. 

I just want a break. I have a hard time as it is. I can't deal with everyone's shit and especially not with the shit of people that will deliberately try to tear me down. 

If I didn't occasionally took breaks from my family I probably would have cut ties a long time ago. But I get to take breaks. Sure they'll try to guilt trip me, but generally speaking it's not like they can do much about it. 

The only problem is I never really feel like ending the break. Or maybe I do and I try to make a fresh start leaving all grudges and resentment behind to try and make our relationship work only to be crushed by another storm of headfucking. 

I'm seriously considering to move to the other end of the world just so that I'll have an excuse to not see them again for the next 10 years. But that's a consideration for after I finish my studies. (2 years from now)

It's fucked up because I lie to my mom and tell her she was a good mom. If I didn't she'd just become even worse and hate on herself. She wouldn't change her behavior for the better but she would cry and be negative even more than she does. 

I like to think that in her own way, she was as good as a mom as she could be. I know that she loves my siblings more than me but I don't think it's ill intended. She just believes that men have all control and having sons is more important than having daughters. My brothers do a better job in filling the hole my dad left. So I don't really blame her for not loving me as much. She could have provided me with a home where I didn't get beaten up every day. But hey, that's just parenting. Sometimes you make mistakes like you let your daughter suffer domestic abuse and tell her to shut up about it because it's not real when it comes from her beloved son. 

I'm only halfway kidding. I am not really even mad at her anymore. I just want her to stop pretending she cares because all she wants is affirmation that she is a good loveable person and she really shouldn't come to me with that. She only cares about herself. Any kind of attempt to love me has always been half-assed and at this point I'm just tired of all the lies and bullshit. 

She makes me feel like anything I ever did was nothing. When I was down she used to be the one that pushed me towards all of my suicide attempts. 

But yes. If I don't want to call her that makes me a bad person because obviously my whole identity is determined by how I treat her. I am nothing if I don't act like she wants me to. If I'm not the person she wanted me to be when I was born, then I am not worthy of love and I am not worthy of happiness. It doesn't matter how hard I tried. It never mattered. Fucking hell.