I am so sorry you are in this situation. In another support group here on daily strength I just asked another gal to Google the term "gaslighting". It is a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse. Can you talk about this with your friend? She may have seen it in him before? I hope things get better for you. (((Hugs)))

Please consider talking to somebody at a woman's shelter. I'm not saying he is physically abusive or that you need to seek protection from him. But they are really experienced in these matters and can help you build on your dialog with your friend.

sorry your man is a justifying himself idiot....

I think we shouldn't hurtle into 'abuse' territory without actually thinking for a sec about this guy. if he is insecure I can see him doing this, just as much as if he is a power tripper.

What you guys need is professional counselling from someone qualified to look at all the pieces and find out what is going on. Not a good friend, who is automatically on your side and to whom you give your unbridled 'side of the story'. Not people on the internet either. What I have learned is that you can describe all day and I'll get one picture over here - and if I see you and him together for three minutes I'll come out with that picture, over there.

There's no substitute for actually having the conversation with the counsellor.

So get a counsellor, get relationship therapy. It takes 2 to have a passive/agressive relationship. he has to learn not to wipe his feet on the mat that has to learn to get up off the floor. You both need to learn skills of expressing how you feel. Well: he is expressing how he feels, which is panic and desperation. And you're expressing how that makes you feel, which is panic and desperation... LOL. - but has either of you got a clue that that is what the other is expressing???

Neither of you is making it out of panic/escalation/stabilise/de-escalation/stabilise/panic zone, into looking at the issues and learning about them zone. You need to be growing as you have cycles - not staying on a cycle. Think spring, not keyring.

You both have to grow for this: you have to learn to be more assertive, and he has to learn that it's safe to let you express yourself and he won't immediately lose you. Look at the terms you use.
Are they threatening? When you have an issue is he receiving 'we're breaking up' signals when you are really only intending to give 'hey we have a wobble let's discuss it' signals?

Have you asked him, when he's not in the middle of a reactive cycle, how he sees what is going on?

PS just wanted to add: you don't know how his parents relationship cycles went. And you don't know if your phrases trigger him into fear - or if even he's really only repeating how his father handled his mother without real intent. A lot of men stabilise things in a locked in, rigid way. They want to anchor the ship in rough seas, whereas you might prefer not to anchor it, but furl in the sails. There can be more than one personality style and how they attack issues can be a new language to learn. You have to talk about these things when you are not in the middle of one.

And in the end the question becomes in a relationship; will they let you have this access to their thoughts, or not?

Show him this thread. See what he thinks.

oh dear, one more thought.

Why are you texting your boyfriend's longterm friend? I would expect that to do that would completely undermine the foundation of the relationship. If he gets a whiff that you talk about him behind his back, then all bets are off. No way is a guy going to open himself up to a girlfriend who then talks out of school.

Your personal long term friend - sure, talk. His? Heck no.

Your boyfriend sounds like an abuser and a mind control freak. Abusers little by little take away their victim's free will. They frame everything as the victim's fault, and if they do not get phsyically violent they at least intimate the possibility by yelling, breaking things, etc. I heard a song once called, "Love never broke anyone's heart." The depression and anxiety he causes you isn't really love. You deserve love and happiness. And you can't change another person. IMHO you should tell him to get lost, and join a support group for people who have left abusive relationships. Whatever you decide, I will pray for you.

to the people asking, I texted his long time best friend because she's known him from high school and has stayed friends with him years later. She knows his incredibly well and originally I went to her for advice since I dont get to talk with him or see him that often. My boyfriend already knows I go to her with our problems and he's happy I do from what he tells me. He's apparently never had a girlfriend who wanted to be friends with the people he knows or even his family.

I hear your frustration and confusion. You sound unsure as to next steps. You may want to consider why you are afraid to share your feelings with him; you said you are afraid that he will scream at you. When you share your feelings with someone who loves you, you should expect respect and understanding, even empathy.....but not screaming or put downs. That is a flag that the communication between the two of you is not healthy. You are the only one who knows if there are issues that need to be addressed. It sounds like you are begging for forgiveness just to make it stop and make it better, but since it happens again, you know this never lasts before the cycle repeats. It would be good for you to see a counselor, to be in a safe and impartial place where you can express what you feel and give more details about your relationship. If you decide this is a relationship you want to work on, the counselor may suggest inviting your boyfriend into the sessions so that you can start to explore healthy ways of communicating. No one deserves to be screamed at or put down or made to feel bad for having the feelings they have. Use it as a springboard to move yourself to a better place where you can have some peace and not waiting for things to blow up. If you belong to a church, consider speaking to your pastor as well. You can ask trusted family and friends what they think about your relationship, but limit it to those that you know will be honest because they care deeply for you. Consider what they have shared and bring that to the counselor as well. I wish you healing whatever that may bring.