Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I came to this site for different reasons, one of which is my depression. I have been depressed since I was a child. My current trigger for this depressive episode, is my marriage. I have been married to my current husband for almost 2 years. It was okay, but it gets progressively worse every day. I have barely spoken to him in a week's time. He suffers from a TBI (traumatic brain injury), which he received in an almost-fatal auto accident (which was his fault). The thing is, one of the effects of his TBI is that he stays angry all the time, he is depressed, and he rages. He is verbally abusive (but he says he's not abusive, because he doesn't hit me); he is critical of everything and everybody; and he is lazy (yet, he calls everyone else lazy). He always finds the bad things to talk about when my child is concerned, or even my family. There's never a compliment. If I drive his car, he fusses about me putting gas in it. Mind you, I'm the one that puts most of the gas in it anyway, even if he's driving it. He does not know how to handle money, and he squanders money and gas by going to his shop (he's a barber), but he doesn't have any customers. If he gets any customers, it's just enough money to put gas in the car to get back home. This cycle repeats every weekend, while I stay struggling with the bills, and my sanity, and maintaining the home. He doesn't pay any bills, and, if he comes up with any money, it's few and far between. I have tried my best to make this marriage work, and I have just now given up (for the last time, this time). I thought some time ago, that I wanted a divorce, but now I am 100% sure. I go to bed early, because I am so depressed, I hate to be woke. It's hard to move my feet. I feel stuck. This leads me back to my depression, and the depression leads back to the migraines, and the rest of the body pains. I am in pain every day of my life. It's just a never-ending cycle. I need to share my story with others, and gain some insight into these issues. Is there anyone out there that is married to a TBI victim, and can relate to what I'm talking about?
There was this worker whose head got penetrated by a metal rod in an accident. By some miracle, he survived, but his entire personality changed from a nice happy guy to someone exceptionally rude and abusive.
For your case, divorce may be the only option since it does not seem like the marriage can be sustained with him like that.
They call them traumatic brain injuries; they are very traumatic on for both the family and for the TBI victim. Please get him some help. Have you heard of neuroplasticity? Look into it. There is a lot of hope for your husband to recover and become a different person again.
My favorite book is The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Dodge. A used paperback is available on Amazon for $6.40+$4 shipping. It might give you some hope and ideas to help your husband.
If you feel that you should divorce him, then leave him.
GBU
D
;-]
There is a group here for Brain Injury Support, but I suspect it is for people with Brain Injuries rather than people living with somebody with TBI. Here is a link:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Brain-Injury/support-group
If you post there I'd suggest a simple post that effectively says: "Hi, I'm new. My husband has TBI. Can anybody offer me suggestions?"
Some boards get a bit upset when a "friend and family of" type person posts, other boards welcome such people with open arms. It is just different for each group.
How old is your child? That may play heavily in your decision as children have needs that may not be possible in your situation.
I can't even come close to being able to understand what you are going through, but I will say that if you make your decision with your heart and your head that you will have nothing to be ashamed of.
Gentle Hugs
There were 6 people living in the house. All of them had personality changes. Only 1 was married and he could no longer live with his family.
I remember taking a walk with a young man with Brain Injuries. He was happy one minute and then instantly didn't know where he was or who I was. It was scary for both of us.
I am sorry that you and your husband are dealing with this. It must be difficult for both of you.
Sometimes divorce is better for both parties - since so much has changed.
Wishing you the best in your decisions.
For better or worse .... you marry someone .... however, to me, that is for better or worse on the basis that there is a loving relationship in the first place.
You see, .. brain injury or not, this is not the man you married and (for WHATEVER reason) and he is not or cannot (doesn't matter which) he is not fulfilling his role.
Based on your post ... you are justified to be OUTTA THERE.
Bursthead, I will read up on that case. It's a relief to know that someone else dealt with this. Divorce does seem like the best option for me, because it does not get any better.
MeggieLizzie, thanks for the extra information. He received care after the injury, when he was in the hospital. I kept after him to go get help, and he finally went. I go with him to the Dr., who also doubles as our Marriage Counselor. He is a great resource, but my husband doesn't tell everything I have to tell it all. He also does not always do what the Dr. suggests. His mind is always on doing something that he thinks makes me feel better, in the hopes that I will have sex with him, but I don't want it at all. I do plan to divorce him. I'm just stuck, and it's hard to move my feet. We have talked about divorce 2 or 3 times, and I told him that I want one, but the next day, he forgets we had the discussion :((
Survivor69, thanks so much for the hugs. I really needed them, and have needed them for so long!
ThePepperMan, thanks for that info. I saw that group yesterday, and I was leery about posting there, because I didn't want to offend anyone there that actually had a TBI. I will use your suggestion there. My daughter is 17 YO, and she has her opinion of him. I can't really blame her, because of the things that go on with him. I have definitely been using both my heart and my head to make this decision. You say you can't come close to understanding what I'm going through, but your words are so heartfelt. Thanks for the hugs!
SingYourGutsOut, I know exactly the fear you had when dealing with the TBI patients. That's my life on a daily basis. I don't know what goes through his brain. It really is hard to deal with. I think too much has changed, and I have given it the best I can give it. Thanks for your kind words.
WanderingVet, I thought the same thing, too. He is definitely not the man I married, and I deserve better in life. As you said, he is not fulfilling his role, and I can't make it work by myself. I thought I was being just plain mean when I posted this discussion, but, hey, it's the truth, and I had to let my feelings out. Thanks for understanding.
I know you've mentioned that your husband is stubborn, but try to get him to exercise. You, your son, and your husband can exercise together. Exercise is the best thing that a person can do to heal their brain. Make sure he eats healthy. He needs a high quality omega 3 supplement. Carlson's is over the counter. Also, you can get lovaza with a prescription and there is a discount coupon online. Get him to eat almonds (in moderation), blueberries, eggs, etc. Does he like video games? Video games will help him heal his brain. Get him a cheap, used nintendo DS and a used brainage game. If he plays it regularly, he will get better.
PepperMan mentioned something about your child being affected if you divorce your husband. Don't worry about that. I don't know your situation, but maybe both you and your child are better off if you leave him. If the only option is to leave him, then go ahead and leave him.
PepperMan said to post in the brain injury group. However, I like to post in the depression group because it is more active, I know the members, and I will receive more replies to my topics.
My daughter is not his child, and he does not claim her as his stepdaughter. He played up to her, buying her and her friends stuff before we married, and then cut them off, after we got married. Not that she should expect anything, but he should not have gone about it that way. And, when I ask him to tell me something good about her (since he criticizes her so much), he says there is nothing good about her. I don't want to keep subjecting her to that. He borrows money to buy Christmas gifts for his daughters, but never buys my daughter anything. Not fair. I don't even do Christmas anymore, because I stay broke because of him.
I was hopeful for some time, but there is no hope with him anymore. It would be best, if he got out of my house, and never looked back.
Well, uh, yes, thanks Doc, many diseases and conditions are very depressing!
People can get very good support here for their depression, but when they have more going on, it is often true that they can get additional support in a disease/condition specific group. So use as many groups as are relevant!
I have been looking around, and finding other, different groups that may support all of my issues. I am still finding my way around, but you are right. There are many groups to which a person can post, and get support. I just got here, and I already love the support that everyone is giving!
Retain a divorce attorney ... a good one ... and eliminate this problem.