find some support groups in Ocala ....

I believe that is the source of your morbid thoughts. It makes sense to me no apologies! Big Hugs! I think it might be a good idea to see a therapist about this or find a support group like mycroftt suggested. If you ever want to talk to anyone feel free to send me a message. I am on here a lot and love talking.

Honey, you were much to young to see something like death. It is a horrible thing to watch. Right before my father passed he held his hands to hevan too and called for his parents. I was out of the room when he actually passed, but felt his soul rip right out of my chest when it happened. I have no others words to describe it. I knew he was dead before I was told.

As for your reaction to it, and I can understand how it affected you, you may need to see a thearipist or a pdoc. I am not doctor, and take this as a grain of salt, but sounds to me like you disassociate when you are sick or think you are sick. And, depression is causing all these thoughts of illness and/or panic attacks. Like I said, I am not a doctor but have had similar experiences. Please go see a professional about this, it just may help.

Knowing what is wrong with you takes the fear out of the situation. Or it does for me. I use to run myself to the e.r. thinking I was having a heart attack or stroke until I found out it was panic attacks. After that, I could remind myself slowly, "you are not dying, it is a panic attack", over and over until it went away. Also breathe deep and slowly.

There's a saying, Fear of death doesn't stop death, it stops life. Hugs

I so related to your post because I lost my grandfather when I was 14 and then my dad when I was 15. For the next several years it seemed like every year I knew someone who died. I thought I was cursed because so many people I knew died during that time. In retrospect, I wish I had got a lot of therapy during that time, but I didn't. Instead I stuffed my emotions and the pain and recovery process took way longer than it would have if I had got some counseling. I hope you can find a local support group or counselor to help you with all of this. There are also a lot of great books on grieving if books help you - for me, they are a big help. I remember too fearing death then - not just people I knew, but my own - big time. Not like I'm still not afraid of it, but the fears could overwhelm me like sounds like what happens to you. Not sure if I helped, but know I get where you're coming from and have been there. Counseling, books, anti-depressants, exercise, and talking to others who had dealt with death at a young age all helped me.

My dad died when I was six. I used to think my obsession (also in my 20's) of thinking all the time (worrying!) about death was because I lost my dad and became aware of death so little. But now I have enough 20 something friends to know it's a common thing in your 20's. I think it's in your 20's when you start realizing you're not invincible, or immortal--you too will age and eventually die. That's when it seems like people go through the worrying about death stage.

I did. For years I did. Then one day I realized something. Life is amazingly short. I am 49 and honestly, I have a hard time believing I graduated HS 30 years ago. I mean...30 years!!! The early 80's don't feel that long ago to me. But they were 30 years ago. That's a long time.

Anyway. My point is, life is short. One day I realized I was letting my fear of death prevent me from fully enjoying my life. And what a waste of time it was--precious time that we'll never get back.

All the worrying in the world doesn't stop death. All the fretting and getting scared inside and getting that terrified feeling...doesn't stop death. We are born--we are going to die. It's that simple.

But why do we fear death? Do we fear birth? Before we were born, where were we? Do we recall? Was it horrible, wherever we were? No...I don't think so. Either we didn't exist, which is what I think, and honestly, I didn't mind not existing the millions of years before I was born, so why fear not existing? Or we were in some place spirits go when they're not occupying a body. Was it a terrible place? Probably not or we'd probably remember.

You look at animals, other animals, because we are also animals, and do you see fear of death? Yes, when a deer is being run down by wolves or a gazelle by lions, you see terror. But is it of death, or of being torn apart by predators? My guess is it's the being torn apart that those animals fear. I have sat and watched several cats die and two horses. Have I seen fear in their eyes? No. Not at all. There is peace, there is acceptance. There is no fear.

When I was four years old I almost died. I had kidney failure and they tell me I almost died. I was so far gone they were letting me eat whatever I wanted at the hospital. Every night I would lay in my crib and wonder if I'd wake up again. It wasn't a scary thought. I was four years old and didn't understand death yet. It was just a hmmm, wonder if, kind of feeling. I was very calm and at peace inside thinking it. That's what I think death itself is.

It's fear of dying...getting old and sick and suffering. I would prefer to die on my motorcycle. Wham and black out! I think it's getting older that I fear, and possibly getting some horrible painful illness. But even that...we can't stop it by worrying about it. All we can do is enjoy every moment we can while we have our health and live like it might be our last day. Because it just might.

Death itself is as natural as birth. It is the natural conclusion of life. It is only feared because we have put such a stigma of fear on it. The fear of what comes after. Which I think is stupid. It gets in the way of enjoying life. When death comes...it comes like a blink, hopefully. If we're lucky it comes in our sleep. And then it's done. That big bad scary thing is behind us. Either we walk forward into some other existence or we aren't around any more to care that we're all done.

If I were you I wouldn't waste my time thinking about death. I don't think your grandpa would approve that his death is keeping you from totally living your life. So when you catch yourself obsessing, ask yourself...is this worrying going to change one thing? No! So why worry? Just...put that aside, take a deep breath, and LIVE.