Whew, I haven’t been in the groups for a while, but I thought it was time to come out of my private journalling shell because I feel truly conflicted.

My dad has narc tendencies, and for a lot of my life I have been resentful of him. Resentment builds up over the years into something very strong. I have felt for years as if I am tiptoeing around, attacked, discouraged, just all around unloved. No physical abuse, but I suppose it counts as emotional. Constant criticism, withholding affection and praise, put-downs, all that. He also can have explosive meltdowns that have left me utterly terrified of him (he screams and throws stuff, usually doesn’t actually do anything drastic. But he once badly bruised my mom, and I have been deathly afraid of him hurting us ever since.) 

All my life, I have felt as if I am always defending myself against him. To this end I acted like a stubborn little shit, getting provoked easily and throwing back defensive retorts. But he feels as if he is being targeted, hurt. 

It’s the first time I truly realized it, but he ironically feels the same way I do. 

My mother and his wife is abusive towards him, he is socially awkward, and has a tendency to internalize, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he were emotionally unbalanced as I hypothesize.   

He is a genuine person, but his methods are completely wrong. He does actually try, but he goes about it wrong. He does actually love me, but feels anxious and hurt. We have tried for years to get him to change his ways, but he doesn’t listen and continues to act this way towards me. 

I don’t know how I know, but he strongly reminds me of an abusee that grew up into an abuser, and isn’t aware that what he’s doing is wrong. 

And here is where I have trouble. The other day he was acting aggressively and erratically towards me because I was expressing annoyance. I felt incredibly anxious and all the resentment from the years blew up, I went through a depressive and angry phase, was crying, and a few hours later I ended up publicly shouting at him in a restaurant. When we got home he shouted at me back. Since then family life has been incredibly awkward, and whatever it is, it’s driving me insane. He is incredibly hurt by what I did and went through his own depressive phase, which made me feel bad. He legitimately does not understand why I act the way I do towards him. I myself am going through depression worse than I’ve had in ages.

The situation worsened when two days ago I left the stove on by accident for about three hours, and upon discovering it he had one of those meltdowns that completely terrifies me. I locked myself in my bathroom for four hours because I felt so afraid and unsafe. Because of that incident I have even more resentment towards him, and I know it must be twisting my judgement. 

I do not want to apologize, though I know I have things to apologize for, simply because he would think apologizing is submission. The last time I did it, he got even angrier at me. But I also know apologizing would probably absolve the situation- I’m just scared that it would be me backing down again, accepting the bullshit that is his parenting methods. I think I am justified in believing his methods are wrong, and rejecting them. I think I am justified in wanting him to do what we’ve been asking him to do for years- leave me the hell alone. And in some twisted way, this-not apologizing or acknowledging anything- is my way of standing my ground.

But I’m also realizing it’s wrong. It’s just damaging me, and everybody. But I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid of getting judged for what I did wrong (yelling at him in public). I don’t know what to do about this situation. I just wish I’d had a mature and normal dad. I wish I didn’t have to step up and be mature about this. 

I just want this crisis to end, I want me feeling bad constantly to end, but I also don’t want to go back to the way things used to be, which I know has a 99% chance of happening as my dad has never been one to change his ways. And I’m not sure what to do. I have not had support in my life from people around me, so it has been disproportionately difficult 

I kind of just want to put everything out there... and figure out what it all is outside my narrow and twisted perception.