I do not know if anyone will read, respond, or even really cares but if I do not make it to tomorrow then I would like at least one person in the world to understand me. First, I would like to say that I am very grateful, or at least try to be, and that at the very least I aim to earn every day. Since July of 2019 I have not been the same. I did not know it yet but that is where my depression started. From then on, I have grown so much, met many people who have made monumental impacts on me, but it seems that although there have been positive spikes along the road, my general direction has been down. I do not know where else to turn because I do not have the time to go to a counselor.

Above everything, I hate myself. I hate my ugly face, my crooked smile, my skin, my bones, my mental and physical weakness, and my every existence. I hate that I am always tired, I always have a reason to be unhappy, that I cannot keep anyone around, and mostly that I am so ungrateful for all the good that I have in my life. I have so many friends in my life that would give their life for me. At work, I am the pinnacle of success, and my coworkers look up to me constantly looking for moments of mentorship.

My greatest concern is that one day they will see my weakness and the truth will become apparent. I am actually a pathetic excuse for a man. I mask my pain behind false confidence and bravado, my mental state is much weaker than my physical state (which is also weak), and truthfully all I think about is being heartbroken by a girl two months ago. You do not know my name, but I wanted someone to simply understand. I am too much of a coward to kill myself and my commitment to God or getting better is as strong as a trailers defense against a tornado. I am heartbroken, battered, beaten, depressed, and, worst of all, ungrateful. I am simply just existing.

Thanks.