I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone in this. Thousands of people are battling this and thousands of them overcome it. I know this sounds easier said than done but try not to be too hard on yourself. It's not so easy just trying to put on a face and saying to ourselves "be happy" and voila, were happy. It's never that easy. It takes lots of time, self love and self belief. What is it that runs through your mind when you watch your kids play that makes you cry? Is it the actual thought of not feeling happy and you're confused by that? If it is, then that means you're being way too hard on yourself. Don't be mad at yourself. It's not your fault that you can't get this shit out of your head. Just be patient and caring with yourself and say to yourself "It's okay to think these thoughts. I'm just trying to help myself." and try to just focus on the moment. Every time your mind drifts away into negative thinking, regain your focus. Even if you feel light-headed and delirious, keep practicing on regaining focus. That's what meditation helps with. I'm not sure if you're familiar with mediation but it is proven to help people overcome mental illnesses. Let me know if you need any tips or videos on meditation. I'm starting it myself. I also have my first appointment with a therapist next week. Hoping that goes well. Do you take therapy? I have another therapy place as my plan b just incase the first one doesn't work for me! If you don't take therapy I suggest you try a session. Sometimes psychologists help us overcome and tackle the underlying fear that causes our depression. And one thing I've learned about death thoughts, is let go. We become panicky constantly and try to help ourselves all the time but nothing is really happening or ever gonna happen. So let it go. Just accept that anything can happen and you're okay because when the time comes you will handle it. Just keep saying that to yourself. You'll overcome that!

Hope this helps!

thanks for replying..when i look at my kids i cry because i feel they deserve a better happier mother who dosent cry all the time and who can actually smile and laugh with them as they play the sadnes inside is overpowering and yes i have tried therapy tons of different meds and even ect treatments the pain and sadness is still there i have bipolar disorder sever major depressive disorder and anxiety as well as ptsd times are tough and i pray i pray that my faith pulls me through i cant lie my mind goes to bad places as far as thinking of suicide but when i see my kids i can bear to leave them heartbroken as bad as my emotional and physical pain is i love them too much to leave them in this cold world alone it sucks because some days i feel like i might just be able to beat this bullshit sadness then my mind just does a 360 and back where i started i hate myself most days and wish i could think better and be better for my self but most of all for my little loves "( God knows my heart i just dont understand why im always so sad and down i just want to be alone most days and then i get angry then sad then guilty for wanting alone time its jus frustrating id rather sleep to escape from the pain but i have horrible insimnia stemming from childhood and i was on seroquel but it caused me to gain so much weight so i stopped i tried to convince myself i can overcome this without meds .......God knows i dont know anymore...i feel down ..lost...and so over this........

So you have BiPolar Disorder and you're not taking medications currently? Do you realize that BiPolar Disorder is a Mental Illness/Disease that has no cure but requires management 24/7 in the form of the right Medication Cocktail and regular Therapy? BiPolar is a disease that you have to weave together with your daily life, so that they coincide together, and you work towards Stability while managing the Disease with medications and Therapy. This isn't a disease that you can ignore and hope that it will get better, without treatment all the things that you mentioned in your post are just going to continue.

^ @OlderCPer Though I agree with part of the things you've mentioned, I don't totally agree with you. Not all people who have bipolar disorder need to take meds to recover and overcome it. There are many other solutions to tackling this illness. And no offense but what you've stated isn't a fact. Bipolar disorder isn't a disease. It's actually a disorder and illness. Even if its genetic, you only have a percentage of your genetics. It must have been traumatic experiences she's dealt with growing up that's causing her to feel symptoms of bipolar disorder. It doesn't just happen. Sometimes, not taking medication for SOME people is best. When our brains are psychologically confused, taking medication can deepen the illness in the sense that if we got off the medication we would panic and feel afraid of our illness coming back. We become reliant on them. That's why I don't take medication. However if your doctor tells you to take it, then you must listen to him/her. But if you're challenging yourself to recover without medication kudos to you! That's a big step!

@BIP1027 you are a great mother to your kids! Don't doubt that! You are a great mother! You are dealing with issues that aren't easy and you are trying your best. That's what mothers do. They try their best. You're again being too hard on yourself by thinking that and then feeling like it's true. In those moments where you think that, overrule the thoughts with a positive one. A certain one. And say "I am doing the best I can." Youve gotten out and took your kids to the park. Some mothers don't even do that for their kids. I'm proud of you for trying. You need to be too. Because despite the tears, you got up and took them. That's strength. You just need to do more. It's like going to the gym. When you first go it's gonna hurt like hell. And you're not gonna wanna go back. But you know that in order for you to not feel the pain anymore you have to keep going to the gym. The results are gonna start to show and you're gonna be more inspired to go back. And then it becomes a habit and then a lifestyle. You need to take more action and start doing the things that make you uncomfortable because it's gonna make you stronger in this world. Please look at it in this way because that's truly what it is. When you're in your moment of depression it isn't easy but allow your thoughts to roam. Always remind yourself you are trying and you are training yourself to feel better. You will become happy! It's possible!!

P.s. Again if your doctor has recently suggested you take meds, take them. If he says it's okay to not take them because you want to challenge yourself then do that!!

I am constantly judging myself for not being a better mom. It starts the minute I wake up in the morning and goes all day until I fall asleep at night. People tell me I'm a good mom but I don't believe them. Let's hope this gets better for both of us.

And for years I worried myself sick about the safety of my son and myself.

I so understand what you are going through, raising children with depression is absolutely overwhelming. I feel for the both of you!! My God bless us all!

I take your pain seriously. Have you seen a doctor? Have you considered it may be a chemical imbalance?

I take your pain seriously. Have you seen a doctor? Have you considered it may be a chemical imbalance?